Second Chances
by Katnz17
Summary: Five years after leaving, Tommy receives a surprise phone call from Jude. As their lives once again collide, will things ever be ok again? Takes place after the season 2 finale.
1. Chapter 1: Why you calling me so late?

So, I'm finally getting around to posting a new story. This is a continuation of a one shot I wrote a couple of years ago called 'Lips of an Angel'. I got a few requests for a continuation then and eventually came up with this. I've actually been working on it here and there for a couple of years.

I've reposted the one shot below as well as the first chapter. Please comment and let me know what you think and if you want to read more.

Story takes off in the future from the season two finale (Tommy never came back.)

_____________________________________________

**Prologue****  
**_**"Honey, why you calling me so late?" **_

_Her hair floated around her face as if suspended by invisible strings, not the blonde hair she'd had the last time I'd seen her but the vibrant traffic stopping red that still defined her to me._

A brilliant smile washed over her face as she impatiently attempted to brush the hair from her face, rolling her eyes with frustration as the combination of movement and wind refused to co-operate with her.

I felt myself reach out to gently brush the hair away from her face but as my finger softly and accidentally brushed her cheek, her expression changed from happiness to sadness and then she was gone. In front of my horrified face she faded away till I was left, a hand extended to nothing. 

**Honey why you calling me so late?**

The shrill sound of the telephone woke me and with a start I leapt to a sitting position in bed, brushing away beads of perspiration and willing my heart to stop beating so madly. I gently picked up the receiver, trying my hardest not to make a sound.

"Tommy?"

It was her. Oh, God, it was her.

**It's kinda hard to talk right now**

I glanced down at the sleeping brunette in the bed next to me and gulped nervously, "Just a second."

I stood up slowly, trying not to make the bed creak. I was grateful for wearing socks to bed as they muffled my footsteps as I stepped out into the hallway.

"I'm here," I said quietly as I glanced over my shoulder to see if she was following me. The room was still dark.

**Honey why you crying is everything okay?**

"I'm sorry to call so late," Her voice broke.

"Jude, is everything okay?" I whispered, feeling my heartbeat slow as a chill of concern spread through me.

**I gotta whisper 'cause I can't be too loud **

"I'm fine," She responded unconvincingly.

She sighed. At the soft sound I closed my eyes and slid down the wall till I was sitting on the floor.  
Well, my girl's in the next room

**I stared at the wall in front of me, at the collection of family portrait's that papered it like a time line of my life, of her life, of our lives.**

She was asleep in the next room, content in thinking I was beside her, but I wasn't.

What did that mean?

What did this mean?

**Sometimes I wish she was you**

I continued to stare at a picture directly in front of me; Jessica and I smiling as we had a picnic at the beach. I scrunched my eyes shut and imagined Jude in Jessica's place.

But that was wrong.

I'd made my vow a long time ago and it wasn't to Jude.

**I guess we never really moved on**

"It's been a while," Jude said softly.

"Yeah," I whispered.

I remember her face so clearly, the night I told her I was leaving and never coming back. I remember the confusion and the horror then the overwhelming sadness as she stood on the street and watched me drive away.

We hadn't spoken since that day; five years ago.

**It's really good to hear your voice saying my name**

"Tommy," She whispered softly. I'd never heard one word say so much. The way she said it, the way it trailed away into tragic silence. The longing and regret that laced the two small syllables.

**It sounds so sweet **

Her voice, Oh, how I've missed her voice.

**Coming from the lips of an angel**

I pictured her in my mind then. The sparkle in her eyes, the way lyrics and words effortlessly rolled over her tongue. Those beautiful lips…

**Hearing those words it makes me weak**

I leaned my head back against the wall and closed my eyes. I was trying so desperately to block out the emotions that were washing over me; the things I shouldn't be feeling.

**And I, never wanna say goodbye**

"I should go," She said softly.

"No!" I spoke too quickly. I gave myself away. I should have acted cool and nonchalant but I'm sick of stupid games, of stupid gambles on which you place everything you want and love – then lose it, "Please, don't."

**But girl you make it hard to be faithful**

I considered getting in my car and driving to Toronto. It would take days but I didn't care. Anything to see Jude again, just to see her. Oh, I'd love to hold her, I'd love so many things but I'd take just the vision of her again.

**With the lips of an angel**

I remembered our last kiss; passionate and happy and totally forbidden in Darius' office. I realized then that I was in over my head, that this wasn't just my attempt to relive my teenage years with a girl far too young for me.

It was real.

It was dangerous.

It could never be.

But I kept lying to myself…

**It's funny that you're calling me tonight**

"So, why did you call?" I asked it slowly, not wanting her to change her mind and hang up the phone. I was desperate to hold on to her for as long as possible.

"I… I was thinking about you, remembering you and… I just felt like I needed to talk to you."

**And yes I dreamt of you too**

I remembered the dream - her being so close yet so far away.

**And does he know you're talking to me will it start a fight?**

"What about…" I trailed off, unable to say his name, to acknowledge his part in her life. The part I'd once wished I could play.

"He's out with some friends," The way she said it so sadly made me wonder if it really was a friend he was with and if she knew. I wondered why he could be anywhere but with her.

"What about-" She paused and I heard her take a deep breath, "Your wife" I imagined her wincing as she said the word. I heard the tremble in her words.

**No, I don't think she has a clue**

"She's asleep." I answered simply.

"Oh."

"I saw your wedding picture in the paper," I said quietly, "You looked beautiful."

"Thanks."

"He's a lucky guy."

"I don't think he thinks so…"

"Jude." Her name was a sigh, a plea, a wish, a whisper.

**Honey why you calling me so late**

"I have to go." Her answer was a denial, a door closing, my just desserts for what I'd done, for lying to her throughout our entire relationship, for leaving. "Good-bye Tommy."

Clutching the phone to my ear as the dial tone rang loudly; I felt a tear run down my cheek.

_____________________________________________

**Part 1****  
**_**"It's kinda hard to talk right now..." **_

Jude rubbed her eyes blearily as she crossed the G-Major lobby in the general direction of one of the studios. She'd had a sleepless night, worrying about her husband's absence and waiting for him to return home. Eventually he had and the disappointment of his alcohol stained breath and staggering steps certainly hadn't been worth the wait.

She paused at the door to Studio B and shuffled the musical sheets in her hands, eyeing with contempt the new song she'd written the night before. She was starting work on her fifth studio recording. Her third in the five years since her first producer Tommy Quincy had departed her life and her sophomore album had hit number one. She'd taken nearly a year off to get in touch with her musical side after her recent marriage but now the honeymoon stage had worn thin she was glad to escape the house and once again return to the musical comfort of the studio.

She glanced up at a sudden commotion at the front door just in time to see a couple walk inside. She glanced at them with mild interest then returned her eyes to her music only to do a double take. She eyed the man and as he turned slightly she was able to make out his profile. It was Tommy Quincy.

Her mouth fell open in a silent O as she stepped back down the hallway until she was hidden in the shadows.

He was accompanied by a beautiful tall woman with a perfect chocolate complexion and dark ringlets. She held onto his hand nervously, leaning against him a little as her eyes scanned the building. Jude had seen her on occasion but only in the occasional picture in a tabloid. She knew she was Tommy's wife Jessica.

Mason unwittingly strolled through the G-Major doors at that moment and virtually bumped into Tommy. His eyes widened and a lazy grin spread across his face. "Tommy Q," He remarked, "Well look whose back." He extended a hand which Tommy shook grimly then his eyes fell on the woman beside him, "And who is this stunning lady?" He took her hand and kissed it, always the natural charmer.

Tommy's eyes had been scanning the G-Major lobby and just as Mason uttered the question his eyes fell on Jude, almost hidden in the shadows. "Mason, this is my wife Jessica." He responded as he tore his away from Jude and back to Mason.

"It's a pleasure to meet you, Jessica," Mason remarked. "That's such a pretty name. I have an Aunt named Jessica." He continued to babble on, comfortably and Jessica nodded her head politely, smiling charmingly as the two began to discuss the history of her name.

Tommy leaned close to whisper in her ear, "I'll be right back."

He started walking toward Jude and as a result she didn't notice the doors open once again as an eight year old girl, the spitting image of Jessica walked in. Jude turned and started walking down the hallway, away from Tommy.

"Jude," His voice interrupted her and she paused in place without turning. She heard his footsteps approaching and soon felt a tentative hand on her shoulder. Finally she turned to face him.

She forced a calm smile, "Hi."

His face softened, "Hi," Awkwardly he raised his arms and equally awkwardly she accepted the hug, gently patting his back before pulling away as soon as was politely possible.

She glanced about her nervously, "So you're visiting Toronto?"

He nodded. "Yeah, for awhile…" He trailed off.

The young girl walked over to them and wrapped on arm around Tommy's legs as she leaned against him, "Dad," She whined, "Can we go to McDonalds after this?"

Tommy knelt down beside her, "Kara. I want you to meet an old friend of mine." He motioned to Jude, "This is Jude; we used to work together."

Kara gazed up at Jude skeptically, eyeing her up before she smiled in approval, "I've heard you on the radio. You sing that song 'You walked away' right?" When Jude nodded she continued, "It's my favorite song." She glanced at her father condemningly, "Daddy doesn't like listening to it though." She rolled her eyes, "He's got bad taste."

Tommy looked away awkwardly and Jude was amused. 'You walked away' had been the only angry song she'd allowed herself to write about Tommy after he'd done just that; walked away. Always one to read and understand her music he'd easily guessed the story behind the song.

"Honey," Tommy spoke in a gentle, young voice, "Why don't you go look in the sound booth over there." He motioned with his hands and Kara scampered off. Jude was intrigued watching him interact with his daughter; it was a whole new side of him she'd never seen before.

They were both lost in an awkward silence when a tall dark haired man walked up behind Jude silently and wrapped his arms around her waist. He leaned down to kiss her neck lingeringly and Tommy's eyes darkened slightly as he took a few steps back, allowing them their space. He looked away.

"Hi honey," Jude smiled, "I thought you weren't recording today?"

"John and I are just meeting up to discuss this new song we're working on." Mark explained. He was the lead singer of a hit rock band currently signed to G-Major. They were just starting work on their sophomore album.

"Well good luck. Please don't try to kill each other this time." She smiled ruefully, knowing her husband's artistic temper.

"I'll try," He flashed her a dazzling smile before walking away down the hallway.

Tommy turned back to her as he walked away, his hands shoved into his pockets as he nudged a dent in the wall with one foot. "So that's your husband?" He asked, though he recognized the face from the wedding portrait he'd seen in the paper.

Jude nodded. Noticing the expression in his eyes she shook her head, "Don't think of him like that. That phone call the other day… I'm sorry; I shouldn't have called you like I did. I was just upset. Everything's fine though. Okay?"

He nodded, "Whatever you say."

"Tom?" Jessica was standing in the middle of the lobby looking up at them. She seemed tentative, not sure if she should come any closer. She motioned behind her. "We should probably be going."

He motioned to her with his hand and she walked over slowly, her wide eyes, barely landing on Jude as she glanced about her. "Honey, this is Jude. Jude, this is my wife Jessica."

Jessica smiled. "I can't believe it's actually you. I'm a big fan of your work. Tommy's told me so many stories of the days when you worked together."

"Has he?" Jude's eyebrows rose in a brief flicker and she forced her lips to move in something somewhat resembling a smile. "It's nice to meet you too, Jessica."

There was a blur of motion as Kara scampered back over. She caught the hem of her mother's shirt and gave it a soft tug. "Mom, Dad said we could go to McDonalds to celebrate!" She winked at her father with a cheeky grin.

Tommy spoke up, "Actually…"

Jessica laughed and hugged her daughter to her, "Honey, we talked about this…" She smiled at Jude, "It was great meeting you." With Kara still tugging on her shirt, she turned and walked toward the door.

Tommy watched the two leave, one hand absentmindedly rising to rub the back of his neck. "It's our ten year anniversary," He explained. She nodded wordlessly. "I guess I'll see you around."

She nodded again then departed into the studio as he walked back over to her wife. She leaned against the wall and dropped her music down on a nearby chair. It had been ten years since Tommy married Jessica. Ten years ago Jude had been twelve years old. Ten years ago was three years before she'd even met Tommy Quincy but then this fact that her producer, mentor and crush had been married the entire time she knew him was no longer new to her. It was one of many facts she'd learnt in the months following Tommy's abrupt departure the day before the release of her sophomore album.

____________________________________________

**Teasers for Part 2****  
**_**"I guess we never really moved on" **_

_"I shouldn't have run off like I did," he said, when coherent thought had returned. "I was rude and selfish and cruel. I'd just gotten news that Jessica was really sick and it kind of overwhelmed me." _


	2. Chapter 2: We never really moved on

_____________________________________________

**Chapter 2****  
**_**"I guess we never really moved on..."**_

Tommy yawned and stretched her arms above his hand as he walked into the lounge. The light was set at it's brightest and he squinted in pain. Lights were always dimmed at G-Major in the evenings and since he was catching up on paperwork in his office he'd opened for only the light from the computer screen and a small desktop lamp.

Jessica was sitting cross legged on the floor with her back to the sofa. She had the coffee table pulled up in front of her and over it's surface was strewn brightly colored beads, ribbons and wire. She glanced up at him briefly, smiled, then returned her attention to the necklace was holding in her hands. She painstakingly threaded a tiny crimping bead in place then flattened it with a tool, imprisoning the beads she'd already strung, in their assigned position.

"Long day?" she asked.

Tommy sat down on the sofa behind her then slowly slid back until he was lying stretched out on it's surface. "Too long. Is Kara in bed?"

"She fell asleep watching the news. I carried her all the way upstairs and she didn't so much as bat an eyelash." She smiled to herself.

"You carried her? Honey you should have waited for me to do it." He frowned in concern.

"I know," she attached a piece of tape to the end of the wire to stop the beads from falling loose and set it down on the table. She stretched her legs out then shifted to the side so she could see him better. "But the sofa is bad for her back and I didn't know how long you'd be gone. You know how cranky she gets when she doesn't get a good night sleep and tomorrow is her first day of school."

He smiled sadly and reached out to run a hand through her hair. "I'm sorry."

She rolled her eyes and made a face. "It's no big deal."

He motioned to the table. "I haven't seen you do this in a while."

"I know," she shrugged. "I missed it and sorting out the house was too overwhelming so I figured it would be a good distraction." She laughed.

"Are you going to give this one away too?"

Since taking up casual beading a few years earlier, Jessica had made a rule that she would give away everything she'd made. Within the exception of one piece she'd been especially fond of and Tommy had insisted she'd keep, and a few put away for when Kara was older, she'd kept to that rule.

"Yes, and I have just the person in mind."

His eyebrows rose. "Well are you gonna tell me?"

A Cheshire-cat-like smile spread across her lips and she shook her head playfully. "Nope."

"You are just a woman of mystery," Tommy teased.

Her eyes lifted to his and he saw sadness hiding in their dark depths. "Am I? After all this time?" She slid up until she was sitting on the sofa beside him, smiling down at him.

"You always surprise me and never cease to amaze me." He tenderly stroked her cheek then slid his hand behind her head to pull her down for a sweet, lingering kiss.

-=|=-

Jude took a sip of her coffee and smiled nervously at Tommy. They'd seen each other at work a couple of times, though she tended to work in the evenings, while he would leave before Kara got home from school whenever possible. They'd said a polite hello on occasion, or nodded to each other through studio glass walls, but they hadn't spoken. She'd called him earlier that morning, with a story about a song and an invitation to dinner. It had seemed a good idea at the time, something that was necessary to clear the air and make any future run ins easier. But the truth always was that avoidance was easier.

"Nice weather we're having," she remarked, than cringed at the cliché small talk.

He nodded. Truth was he felt as awkward and out of place as she looked. "So let's take a look at that song."  
She reached for her bag then paused. "Look, the real reason I called is... well, we're going to be working in the same building and seeing each other regularly and I just wanted to clear the air, so to speak, between us."

"So there's no song?" he teased, "sneaky Harrison, very sneaky."

She frowned at him, obviously not in the mood to play along or play friends. "No, there is. I just don't actually want to show it to you, which is in fact the whole point."

He was stung at her words and an uncomfortable silence settled between them as the waitress brought over their meals.

Tommy was stabbing his burger with his fork, with more for then was necessary as he divided up the oversized meal, when Jude spoke up.

"About the call the other night," her eyes were on her plate as she shifted the lettuce and tomato of her salad nervously, without actually eating any.

His eyes lingered on the meal in surprise. Jude wasn't the rabbit food type. She had nothing against healthy food and salads but they were generally a side with her meal, not the _entire_ meal.

"I'd really appreciate if we could forget it ever happened," she continued, "I'd had a little much to drink and I was upset over a fight with Tony. I was sleep deprived from my tour and I guess I had some juvenile flash back or something and for some reason, I don't even know why, I called you."

"Jude-"

"It meant nothing. I'm sorry I bothered you but I'm fine. My marriage, my career, _everything_ is fine."

"I don't know - the lettuce seems a little distressed." He motioned to the lettuce leaf she'd been stabbing repeatedly, trying to make light of her words and ease the tension.

She glanced down, sighed and set the knife and fork down on the plate.

"Look, if you don't want to talk about it, then we won't talk about it. We can pretend it never happened." He thought she muttered something that sounded a lot like, 'You're good at that' under her breath but he let it go.

"While we're clearing the air I guess we should discuss my departure."

She cringed. "Let's not."

He watched silently as she sipped her green tea and pointedly gazed out the window. "I'm sorry if I hurt you."

"Don't flatter yourself Quincy-" she remarked bitterly.

"Hurting people is never something I'm proud of."

She turned her gaze back to him and their eyes met momentarily. There was an unfamiliar icy and electric quality to her eyes and he found himself temporarily at a loss for words.

"I shouldn't have run off like I did," he said, when coherent thought had returned. "I was rude and selfish and cruel. I'd just gotten news that Jessica was really sick and it kind of overwhelmed me."

"What was wrong with her?" Her eyes seemed to have softened slightly but he didn't allow himself relief.

"Leukemia. We hadn't spoken in a long time and she didn't tell me when she got sick. The first I heard she was in the hospital with complications from the chemo and pneumonia."

"But she got better?"

His eyes were on the tablecloth as he answered. "She went into remission a year later."

"And you stayed," Jude finished softly.

He nodded. "I stayed."

They were silent for awhile, during which time she ate a few half hearted mouthfuls of her salad.

"It wasn't the way you left or the fact that you did it at all, that really got me Tommy. It was the fact that you never once mentioned that you were married. I mean, with all the things that happened or didn't," she drew quotation marks in the air, "happen between us, you never once thought to mention it? You dated my sister for goodness sake. You left and six months later I see this tabloid cover of you and your _wife_ and your _daughter_. 'Perfect life family for little Tommy Q', I think the headline was."

"Jessica and I were separated. We were going to get a divorce but we couldn't even speak to each other without getting in a screaming match so loud the neighbors would call the police. So we just kept putting off the arrangements to end things for good. We were so young when we got married, far too young.

"When she got sick I had to go home. I couldn't ignore the fact that I had a daughter any longer and if I had any respect for what Jess and I had once had... I had to help her. We... we found each other again during that time. We'd both changed and grown up during our time apart and things were different. For Kara's sake we decided to give it another try. I'm sorry I never told you about them but I was selfish and stupid and I pretended the whole thing never happened. "

"It's all water under the bridge now anyway," Jude shrugged. "It doesn't even matter to me anymore."

"No," he said softly.

She continued to eat her salad. He ran a hand through his hair and leaned forward a little. "So, will you show me that song?"

She glanced up briefly. "I'll think about it."

____________________________________________

**Teasers for Part 3****  
**_**"No, I don't think she has a clue…" **_

"Oh leave the ego with the Mistress, Mark! I'm supposed to believe you were working on a song without your band. You're not exactly an independent creative." [/i]


	3. Chapter 3: don’t think she has a clue

Chapters will get longer with the next one.

_____________________________________________

**Chapter 3****  
**_**"No I don't think she has a clue..."**_

Jessica nervously wound the bright pink ribbon around her fingers, twirling it tightly, releasing it then repeating the process as she walked into the G-Major building and glanced around nervously. This place was entirely new to her, though she'd heard enough stories from Tommy that it had achieved an infamous quality in her mind. After all this time he'd fit back in seamlessly. He belonged. She was positive... she didn't.

She smiled at a stylist as they wheeled a rack of clothes past her and headed for the studios. The gift in her hand was getting heavier with every passing second, as if it were made of lead rather than just glass, wire, hope and terrible dread. Studio A contained a rocker who's Gender she couldn't identify. Their figure was beyond skinny and shapeless and their waist long hair shielded their face as they moved their head with the music. She noticed that, while the sound proof walls blocked out the sound from the mixing booth, they didn't block the vibrations through the floor. It felt like a small earthquake.

In Studio B she found what she sought. The recording booth was empty but a lone blond head sat at the sound board, madly messing with dials and switches. Jessica paused at the door, not sure if this was somehow like a photography dark room. Was there some light that needed to turn off before she entered? Her dilemma was solved when Jude lifted her head from the sound board and caught sight of her standing there. Her expression was blank but Rachel noticed the brief second when recognition flooded her features, closely followed by a frown, then a forced smile. She waved and Jessica motioned to the door handle. Jude nodded and motioned her in.

"Hi, uh, if you're looking for Tommy I don't think he's working today," she explained, twisting her chair slowly from left to right.

"Oh, no, I know. He's at the park with our daughter. I came to see you, actually."

Jude's eyebrows rose. "Me?"

"Yes." She was feeling far more nervous then she'd expected and without it being offered she'd pulled up a chair and sat down across from her. "I wanted to give you this." She held out the bright pink parcel and insisted to herself that Jude wasn't eying it like it was on fire.

"Oh." Jude took the parcel from her, "that's really nice of you." She glanced up at Jessica then carefully began to peel off the paper, taking care not to tear it.

"It's nothing really. Just a little something I made the other day. It's a hobby of mine."

Jude took out the soft blue necklace and watched as it shone and sparkled in the light. "It's beautiful."

"I thought the color would suit you."

Jude shook her head. "I don't know what to say. I mean, this is..." she faltered for a word.

"Strange?" Jessica cringed, "I know."

"No, it's just-"

"I know you and Tommy used to work together and, well... I loved the albums you made together. Your second is still the highest selling record he's ever produced. I know he didn't handle things well when he left and I wouldn't blame you for resenting him or me for everything that happened." Jude's eyes had fallen to her lap. Jessica continued. "I just want things to be okay with all of us. I was hoping we could be," though she wanted to say it, in the tense atmosphere she fell shy of the word 'friends', "friendly."  
Jude nodded. "I get it but it was entirely unnecessary. My music faltered a little after Tommy left. I mean, he was my first producer and we worked well together but it was good for me to stretch my wings and work with someone new. There's no hard feelings, really."

Jessica smiled, "I'm glad."

Jude offered her necklace. "You should keep this. It's beautiful but it's too much. I can't-"

"No," Jessica stood quickly and started for the door. "It's yours. It wouldn't look right on anyone else." She paused at the open doorway and turned to see Jude smiling down at the necklace. "I guess I'll... see you around sometime?"

Jude looked up and smiled. This time it was less forced and appeared genuine. "Yeah, I'd like that."

-=|=-

Tommy arrived at G-Major early the next morning, expecting to have an empty building to himself for a couple of hours but instead found himself the unwitting witness to an argument between Jude and her husband. The two were in the recording booth of Studio A and thanks to the wide open door: the sound proof walls weren't doing their thing. Neither noticed Tommy walk by the glass wall, though he made no effort to be stealthy.

Tears were streaming down Jude's face, even as her eyes sparkled with rage and she put her vocal training to good use. Mark was angrily striding across the room. He kicked at a drum set in the corner of the room and a cymbal crashed to the ground.

"You were checking up on me!" he yelled accusingly.

"Oh my God! You didn't come home last night. You didn't call, you didn't even text. You know by the time I'd been waiting up for five hours I couldn't care less where you were! I came here to work and take my mind off things. What the hell is your excuse?"

"I was working."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "On your own?"

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Oh leave the ego with the Mistress, Mark! I'm supposed to believe you were working on a song without your band. You're not exactly an independent creative."

"They were here. Then they left." He ignored the obvious insult, knowing one battle with Jude was more than enough.

"Right," she fished her cell phone out of her purse and held it up. "So if I were to call John right now, he'd tell me that?"

He nodded.

Jude nodded and slapped her head. "Stupid me, of course he'd lie for you. What about Adam, huh? He's a terrible liar and he actually likes me."

"Just give me that," Mark pried the phone from her fingers. "I'm sorry I didn't call, okay?" He tried to intertwine his fingers with hers but she wrenched her hand away, "I just got so wrapped up in the song that I lost track of time…"

"Right. I'm sure you got so caught up in the _song_." She snatched her cell phone from him and turned away.

Jude started for the door of the studio then froze momentarily when she caught sight of Tommy standing in the shadows. She shook her head and angrily swiped at the tears on her cheeks. With her head held high she walked passed him and out of the building.

Mark had picked up a drumstick and was angrily hitting random drums with it, in a rhythmless, chaotic manner. He was still oblivious to Tommy's presence, even as he pulled the studio door shut to silence the noise.

Tommy didn't bother to turn on any lights as he made his way down the familiar hallway to his office. Once inside he flicked on the light switch and caught sight of movement from the corner of his eye. He swung around to see a wide eyed woman hiding behind his tall desk chair.

"What the-"

"Is she gone?" she hissed.

"Who?"

"Mark's wife; is she gone?" She was moving toward the door, obviously embarrassed to be caught hiding in his office. She was wearing a man's jacket and her hair was a mess.

"Get out of my office right now," he growled.

She didn't need to be told twice. She fled down the hallway, leaving Tommy to his dark office and heavy heart.

-=|=-

Jude stepped out into the brisk afternoon air and shivered as the cold washed over her. She drew her gloved hands to her lips, blowing on them in an effort to ward off the chill that was already spreading. Her footsteps were quick as she turned left and headed toward her car but an unexpected voice stopped her.

"Jude!"

She turned to see Tommy leaning against the G-Major building. The reflection of the sun on the snow was glaring and he was wearing a pair of dark sunglasses. Had she been in a better mood she may have been more amused by the familiar stick of red licorice in his hand but instead she shook her head and turned away.

"Would you wait?" he called, jogging to catch up with her.

"I'm sorry. I don't have time to talk." She explained, weaving through pedestrians.

"It's important," he insisted, reaching out to put an arm on her shoulder.

"Look," she sighed, pausing on the street to offer her attention and hopefully divert him. "If this is about yesterday, can we just not go there?"

He looked down at his feet, hooking his thumbs in the pocket of his jacket as he contemplated the best approach. "I know you don't want to discuss it but there's something I need to tell you."

"No," she shook her head. "This has nothing to do with you. It's not your problem and you don't need to do anything. Whatever you saw, or _thought_ you saw, you don't need to worry about it," she shrugged, "I'm a big girl." She turned away again but he reached out and caught her elbow, holding her back.

"Is it always like that?" he asked softly.

She cast her eyes skyward as she turned back to him. She gazed at the storefronts, the passing pedestrians, the snow melting on the sidewalk, the glistening of melting ice on the street, anything but him.

"Why do you let him treat you like that?" He continued. His voice was angry, accusing and she felt her blood boil at the tone.

"This is _none_ of your business Tom." Her tone was cold, her use of his more formal name even colder. "You don't know Mark, you don't know me so don't stand there and think you have any right to judge me."

"Jude," he shook his head, "I'm not. Look, I'm sorry. I'm just worried about you."

"Well don't be. I can look after myself." She wrenched her arm away, the violence of the action indicating she'd merely been humoring him before and now there would be no more discussion.

He shivered in the afternoon air as he watched her disappear on the crowded footpath. He'd meant to say so much more, he'd meant to tell her what he'd seen but he didn't know how.

____________________________________________

**Teasers for Part 4****  
**_**"Honey, why you crying is everything okay?" **_

Kara shrugged. "He'll find me. He always does. He could use the excitement anyway, his life is so dull."

Jude was struggling to hide her amusement when Tommy burst through a swooning crowd of woman, oblivious to their bats of eyes and hair tosses. His eyes were wide and wild, his jacket only on one shoulder, the rest billowing behind him, as if he'd been mid way through putting it on when his attention was drawn elsewhere.

"You okay there?" Jude's tone was warm and teasing, despite her determination to keep distance between herself and the man who had broken her heart. "Should I call an ambulance?"


	4. Chapter 4: Honey, why you crying?

I'm not a fan of this chapter...

_____________________________________________

**Chapter 4****  
**_**"Honey, why you crying is everything okay?" **_

It was like the doorway to Auschwitz, or Guantanamo, or High School on your very first day in a new town – an alarming unknown that could so easily lead to such disaster.

Jessica turned, framed by the open doorway between them. She put a hand on her hip and smiled at Jude, "You okay?"

Jude had been on gone on an impromptu shopping trip after her run in with Tommy. There was nothing like a handing over a silly piece of plastic and walking away with pretty things to distract herself from any sense of reality. She'd been a little startled when she ran into Jessica in a small boutique a few blocks from G-Major. She'd tried to politely refuse when the slightly older woman had invited her back to her place for a visit but then she'd noticed something in Jessica's eyes: she'd shrugged; the action still strangely nervous and explained how she hadn't really met any woman since moving back and would love some female, adult company. And now, here they were: Jessica waiting inside and Jude frozen on the doorstop to she… and Tommy's apartment like some ridiculous store mannequin.

She forced a smile and a shrug. "I was just admiring your, uh," she fumbled for a word, one wavering finger pointing uncertainly to the flower bush beside the door.

"Daises," Jessica supplied. Jude inwardly kicked herself. "But I can't take the credit; they were here when we arrived. I'm more of a rose girl myself." She turned back to the house and Jude was forced to quickly follow, or set in concrete her status as the crazy girl Jessica's husband used to work with.

"I don't know anything about flowers myself, or gardening," Jude admitted, "though I supposed I just made that obvious…"

Jessica laughed with her, "And I don't know a chord from a clarinet. Don't worry. Would you like something to drink?"

"Oh, yes, a juice would be lovely."

"Apple, black current or orange?"

She shrugged, "Uh, surprise me?"

Jessica smiled, "Sure, I'll be right back. Make yourself at home."

The homely sound of cupboard doors and glass tinkling drifted through the walls as Jude glanced around the large living room. One wall was a floor to ceiling bookshelf, covered in books, ornaments and photographs. Most of the images were of Kara; standing in front of a school bus, in a swimming pool, sitting on Tommy's shoulder and laughing in the sunshine. A smile tickled at the edge of Jude's lips, one so tempted to give into gravity and sink into a frown.

"Here you go," she spun around to see Jessica weave between the couch and lazyboy and set two glasses down on the coffee table. "Have a seat."

Jude sunk down on the leather sofa and busied herself with straightening her skirt. "You have a lovely home. Did you decorate it yourself?"

"I did. Thanks." She nodded. "I always wanted to be an Interior Decorate growing up. I used to redecorate my bedroom every mother. I planned to pursue it as a career but then Kara came along and my time was taken up trying to figure out to be a mother," her face saddened, "then later, adjusting to Tommy being gone. You probably know I was sick for awhile?"

Jude nodded.

"Yes, that really set things back too…"

"Have you considered pursuing it again? I mean, Kara is so happy, you seem to be on top of things now."

She nodded, her eyes drifting to a family portrait behind Jude's head. "I have, actually. I've thought about it a lot."

There was a moment of silence. Jessica seemed lost in her thoughts. "You have some gorgeous family pictures," Jude offered.

Jessica nodded, "Kara and Tommy are ridiculously photogenic."

"Kara must be at school now?" Jude glanced at her watch, "how is she doing?"

"Really well, actually. She's settling in well. I'd been worried the move would be hard but kids adapt so easily."

"Does she get the bus home?" No sooner had the words escaped than Jude regretted them. She was certain Jessica would see through her attempt to feel out the situation, or more accurately: figure out when Tommy would get home and when she should flee an awkward situation.

"No, Tommy picks her up on his way home. They often stop for a treat on the way so I'm not expecting them home for a few more hours."

Perfect.

"How about you?" Jessica asked, "Are you and your husband planning to have any children?"

"Oh," Jude laughed, the sound harsh and bitter, "no, we're not. We've never talked about it. We don't really…" she sighed, "talk."

Jessica's eyes softened, "Oh, I'm sorry."

Jude shook her head, brushing at her eyes with the back of her hand as the sting of tears threatened. "Gosh, I'm sorry."

"No." Jessica reached forward to place a hand on her shoulder, "don't be. I've been there myself. Do you want to talk about it?"

There was no warding them off now, the tears were pooling in her eyes as Jude looked up at the ceiling above her, willing them not to spill over so quickly. "Um, I don't really know what to say. Things aren't very good. I think he might be having an affair but I have no proof. We've been married for such a short time. I just never thought it could all fall apart quickly. I mean, maybe I'm doing something wrong. Maybe I should try harder?"

Jessica shook her head. "No, if he is having an affair, there's no excuse for that. It's not your fault."

A tear spilled down Jude's cheek and splashed onto her denim clad knee, staining the fabric a dark blue. "What should I do?"

"I don't know," Jessica sighed. "There's so many suggestions running through my mind but they all seem empty. You should talk about it but men rarely admit these things, there's therapy but that's just embarrassing and he probably won't agree to it." She chuckled softly, "I'd suggest hiring a private detective but that just seems like a bad plot from a film."

Jude laughed, "But tempting, very tempting."  
Serious once again, Jessica spoke sincerely, "I do know you should stop blaming yourself, and stop punishing yourself."

"Thanks," Jude nodded, "I think I've really needed someone to say that to me for a long time."

-=|=-

"I think I'm running a temperature," Jude muttered as she clambered down out of Mark's ridiculously tall SUV and out into the hot summer heat.

"You and me both, babe." Mark slammed his door and walked around to join her. "At least we only have to perform two songs and then we can bolt."

She nodded and pulled her hair into a ponytail, up and away from her neck. A crowd was already gathering for the third annual G-Major Day Out. Held in mid-summer, the event was a showcase for the twenty or so artists now signed to the label. Each would perform a collection of new work. All the major media outlets were invited and the event would create a lot of buzz. While originally having begun at an intimate club setting with media and a few distinguished guests, the event had grown to epic proportions, like most things to do with Darius Mills were forced to do. A crowd of thousands was expected today.

It wasn't long before Mark had disappeared into the crowd, the whispered giggles and more distant female squeals an indication of his path. Jude sighed.

"Jude!" A young voice called. She turned to see Tommy's daughter Kara running through the crowd to her. "Are you performing today too?" At Jude's nod the young girl jumped up and down excitedly. "I'm glad."

"Kara!" Tommy's voice drifted through the crowd. Jude was struck by just how familiar and yet unfamiliar it sounded. There was a slight hint of panic, of something that could quickly turn to hysteria and there was warmth of affection, like that she'd known and experienced from him in the past, only a hundred times more protective.

"Did you tell your Dad where you were going?" She asked Kara sternly.

The girl shrugged. "He'll find me. He always does. He could use the excitement anyway, his life is so dull."

Jude was struggling to hide her amusement when Tommy burst through a swooning crowd of woman, oblivious to their bats of eyes and hair tosses. His eyes were wide and wild, his jacket only on one shoulder, the rest billowing behind him, as if he'd been mid way through putting it on when his attention was drawn elsewhere.

"You okay there?" Jude's tone was warm and teasing, despite her determination to keep distance between herself and the man who had broken her heart. "Should I call an ambulance?"

He was panting slightly as he eyed Kara. She smiled sweetly then slightly ducked behind Jude. Remembering the location, he ran a hand through his hair, quickly righting the wayward strands then finished shrugging on his jacket. "I see she found you. Kara, you should have waited for me."

"But you didn't want me to see Jude, I know, you'd just have kept stalling and I'd never had gotten to talk to her." She pouted.

'_Okay_,' Jude allowed the thought, '_that stung._'

Tommy's eyes flickered from Kara to Jude and back quickly. "That's not true and even if it were, it was still no reason to run off."

"I should go," Jude interrupted, "I need to set up."

"Wait!" Kara grabbed her hand and clutched it plaintively. "Could you please, please perform 'You walked away'?"

Tommy sighed. "Kara, this is a showcase."

"So? She can showcase 'You walked away'. It's her most popular song."

"It's a new work showcase, honey," Jude explained.

Still clutching Jude's hand, Kara's eyes grew wider, their dark brown depths resembling a puppy's. "Please, for me?"

There was a crackle of static from a microphone, then Darius booming voice echoed through the parking lot, welcoming people to the event and encouraging everyone to get to their seats.

"I really have to go. I'll see what I can do, okay?"

Kara nodded and released her hand. Her expression was confident, as if she knew she'd gotten what she wanted. "Thanks."

-=|=-

The thudding base from Mark's bands performance pounded through the thin walls of Jude's makeshift dressing room. The first she saw of Mark since his disappearance in the crowd was him strutting out onto the stage to perform. Those girls in the audience who glared whenever they saw her would be surprised at how little difference there was between Jude's relationship with Mark and theirs.

She ran a comb through her hair one last time then set it down on the dresser. Her attention briefly passed over the bouquet of flowers Mark had sent, his assistant had such good taste, and fell on the tattered notebook she'd deposited there when she entered the room. She ran her fingers over the cover then flipped it open and paged through to the most recent entry. Her fingers traced the lyrics as she silently mouthed them. A hurried knock on the door drew her attention away and the book was left forgotten as she hurried on stage.

It was almost instant – that rush of exhileration, of adrenaline, of feeling invisible and a thousand feet tall. The voices of the crowd, the very vibrations from the music, were seeping into her bones, taking her over. There truly was nothing like being on stage. On stage she wasn't Jude Harrison, the glamorous rock star with the crappy personal life no fan would envy.

She began her first number, a dance number for the clubs. The lyrics were upbeat, the music fast, everything casual, not challenging. The crowd were into it, swaying along to the beat and her confidence soared. She spun to the left, strutting across the stage and then spiraling to her right. She caught sight of Kara at the edge of the stage. She was grinning like a fan at a Hannah Montana concert and for a brief second, Jude forgot the lyrics. All she could hear, feel and think was 'You Walked Away'.

The drummer shot her a look as she spun away from the crowd. She shrugged her shoulders in response and shoved a strand of hair away from her face. She sung a few notes, the few lines she could remember from the chorus and allowed the song to fade out, earlier than originally planned. She motioned to her band to fill in as she strode to the front of the stage.

"How are you all doing today?" she called. A responding cheer echoed. "You know what? I'm feeling a little retro today. How would you guys feel about a little old school Jude? I've got a few new lyrics running around in my head and I wanted to try something a little different. This next number is called, 'You Walked Away'." As a cheer ran out from the audience, she spun around to walk to the back of the stage. She winked at Kara, ignored the figure next to her which was undoubtedly Tommy and swayed her hips as the opening notes of the song began. She paused just in front of the drum set, with one hand on her hip and the other raised above her head as she began the song. She spun back to the audience on the second line then let the song take over.

_It started out just like any other day;  
That smile, a joke, you know it's all the same.  
Invisible storm clouds brewed but I never knew,  
Thought nothing would ever change without you.  
Impossible to see it from a distance,  
Impossible to escape once it's in existence.  
I saw something changing in your eyes,  
or maybe I didn't,  
Since when I have I been so damn blind?_

You walked away.  
Couldn't talk the strain today.  
You walked away.  
What I have I don't wrong anyway?  
You walked away.  
Oh, you walked away.

Now the storm clouds overhead,  
Stinging rain and lightning are abusing me,  
I guess it's fair to say we're over now.  
Or should I say the we that never, ever will be.  
All the things you didn't tell me,  
dare not tell me,  
what a coward you turned out to be.  
All the pages in that songbook you tore out  
and threw away,  
Just fragments are left of you and me.  
I'm never going to, ever going to be so blind again.

You walked away.  
Couldn't talk the strain today.  
You walked away.  
What I have I don't wrong anyway?  
You walked away.  
Oh, you walked away.

Jude paused at the end of the chorus, motioning to her band to kick in another voice. "Let's shake it up guys," she called. Closing her eyes, she conjured up the lyrics from her notebook. The words she'd poured onto paper late one night while waiting up for Mark to return.

_They say ignorance is bliss  
but I think it's killing me.  
They say forget about it,  
think about it,  
Look at what you've got to lose.  
Hate to say it, got to say it,  
I think I've been blind again._

She took a deep breath and opened her eyes. The final note was long, sweet and strong. The music faded out, as did the cheers of the crowd and eventually her own heartbeat as every emotion she'd been holding in for the last three months was channeled into those five words.

_So who's going to walk away?_

**Teasers for Part 5****  
**_**"And I, never wanna say goodbye…" **_

She was trying to figure out what side of the hospital housed the ER when a familiar set of curls caught her attention.

"Jessica?"

Surprise and dread marred Jessica's pretty face as she turned to face her. "Jude? Hi, what are you doing here?" She righted her purse on her shoulder as she walked over.


	5. Chapter 5: I never wanna say goodbye

I'm not a fan of this chapter...

_____________________________________________

**Chapter 5****  
**_**"And I, never wanna say goodbye…" **_

"Mark?" Jude set her bag down on the hall table and shrugged off her jacket. Generally she'd return from a day at G-Major to a dark and cold house. Her routine these last couple of months had been a TV Dinner and a movie. But tonight the house was lit and warm and inviting. She blew on her hands to warm them as she walked down the hallway toward the kitchen. Already the chill that had settled into her bones on the drive home was dissipating. "Honey?" She called again.

"In here." His responding voice was light and happy. He sounded like the old Mark, the one she'd almost forgotten.

"Am I in the wrong house?" she joked as she pushed open the kitchen door and stepped inside.

Mark, who was wearing a dark blue apron, was busy at work at the kitchen island. Vegetables were strewn over the surface, while behind him pots brewed and delicious aromas filled the air.

"Are you my husband's culinary twin brother?" she continued.

He glanced up at her, a gorgeous grin spreading across his features. "I thought it was about time I treated you to dinner. We haven't spent any quality time together lately," he set down his chopping knife and walked around the island to her, "I missed you honey."

She frowned slightly, so thrown off by his behaviour. She was frozen in place as his arm slid around her waist and pulled her too him. Her lips responded, more by habit, as he kissed her gently and brushed a strand of hair behind her ear.

"I'm sorry," he said softly.

She nodded lightly, lost for words and he released her. "Uh, can I help with anything?"

He was behind the island again, deftly slicing up a tomato. He lifted the knife and pointed it at her. "You are forbidden to help. This is me treating you."

"Okay," she walked around behind the island and hopped up onto a clear patch of the counter, beside the fridge. "This is all very... strange."

"How was your day?" He asked.

She shrugged, "productive, I guess. There's a verse in my new song I'm not sure about."

"That new version of 'You walked away' is really something." He was facing away from her so she couldn't see his face as he spoke. "The crowd really loved it yesterday."

"You heard that?" She asked, "I thought you left early with Tom"

He shook his head and turned, his hands full of sliced tomato, "no, we were still there," he dropped the tomato into a fry pin and smiled at her. "What made you think to perform it?"

She picked up a celery stick and nibbled on the end nervously. "A friend requested it. I'd been thinking about adding a new verse for awhile and it seemed a good time to test the reaction. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with it now. That's probably the end of it, really."

"You could make it a bonus track on your new album," he suggested. "There, that's the last of it." He set a lid down on one of the pans and walked over to her. She watched him silently as he stood in front of her and rested his hands on her hips. "I'm proud of you."

Her head fell forward as she fiddled with a loose thread on her jeans. For the first time he seemed to notice her demeanour.

"Hey, honey," he lifted her chin gently with a finger, "what's wrong?"

She sighed. "This," she shrugged her shoulders.

He frowned. "I don't understand."

"Mark, why are you doing this? We've barely spoken in weeks. The last time we said more than a few sentences to one another, we were screaming. Why are you suddenly being so charming?"

"Because I realize what a jerk I've been being. That song," he laughed, "it made me angry, thinking of someone hurting you like that, and then I realized the only person I should be angry with is myself. I really am sorry."

"I wish we were the way we used to be," Jude admitted, tears pooling in her eyes. "I don't know what's happened to us."

He leaned forward and pressed his lips to hers, gentle at first but then more passionate as she responded to the kiss. His hand slid around to the back of her neck, then up to cradle the back of her head. Her arms settled around her neck and he picked her up, off the counter.

"We can be the way we were again," he insisted, when they parted for breath.

She nodded. "I hope so."

She was able to catch her breath again when he set her down to check on the stir fry a couple of moments later. She watched silently as he stabbed a piece of broccoli with a fork and offered it to her.

"Mark, I need to ask you something," she said when she'd finished chewing. He'd crossed to the other side of the room to change the CD and the light the candles on the dinner table. He glanced up when she spoke.

"What is it?"

She closed her eyes for a second, took a fortifying breath then spoke: "have you been having an affair?"

Anger flickered across his features and then it was if he remembered himself and quickly wiped it away. "Honey, we talked about this."

"Fought about it, more like it," she muttered.

"I told you I wasn't."

"No, you didn't. You called me paranoid and gave an alibi I didn't believe, for right then. But you _never_ said you weren't cheating on me."

"It should mean the same thing."

"True," she paused. An ache had climbed from her stomach, to her chest and now resided in her throat and tears were prickling at the back of her eyelids. The world had never felt so big and dark and, as she stared down the barrel of a metaphorical gun, she'd never felt so alone. "But that doesn't mean it does."

He walked back over to her, slowly, his eyes meeting hers and never looking away as he did. Mark had that talent. When he performed he could pick out a member of the audience and pull them in to the degree that they felt as if they were the only person in the room and he was singing just to them. He'd done it to Jude that first night she met him at the club, and he'd done it to Darius when his band first auditioned at G-Major. D could see a star in the making, the raw magnetism and sex appeal. Jude had always seen potential for a second career for him in acting and she pushed that thought aside now.

"Jude," he cupped her cheek with his hand as he spoke, eyes still on hers, "you are the person I want to grow old with. You're the girl I love, you're my one. There's no other woman that could be that for me, there's no one but you."

-=|=-

Jude always felt nervous around hospitals. Whether she was just passing by on the street, visiting sick children or an actual patient, it was always the same; that dull aching dread, like something bad was about to happen and she'd be helpless to stop it.

Once again she replayed the message she'd received from John, ten minutes earlier. "Jude, it's John. Look we've had an accident. Don't worry, Mark's okay but he's busted his leg and they think he might have a concussion. We're on our way to the hospital now. Oh, wait, I've gotta go. Get here when you can, okay?"

The automatic doors opened before her and she stashed her cell phone into her pocket and took one last gulp of fresh air before walking in.

Hospital lobbies are so confusing, all serious people who don't make eye contact, coughing patients and confusing signs with long and scary medical names next to floor numbers. Who would truly want to visit a contagious disease or radiation ward?

She was trying to figure out what side of the hospital housed the ER when a familiar set of curls caught her attention.

"Jessica?"

Surprise and dread marred Jessica's pretty face as she turned to face her. "Jude? Hi, what are you doing here?" She righted her purse on her shoulder as she walked over.

"Oh, Mark had an accident."

"Is he okay?" Jessica's eyes widened.

"I think so. His band mate said not to worry but it's hard not to. I can't," she sighed and motioned to the floor map on the wall beside them, "I can't find emergency."

"Oh, it's over here," Jessica pointed to a red square on the map. "You go down that hallway, take your first left then go down one floor. Would you like me to come with you?"

"Oh, no, that's okay. I'm sure you've got better things to do then listen to my husband complain. He's a real baby when it comes to pain," she smiled and started down the hallway then stopped.

"Wait, why are you here? Is everyone okay?"

Jessica shrugged. "It's fine. I just-" she paused, one hand tugging on a strand of her hair. "I was just visiting a friend."

"Oh," Jude smiled, "You had me worried there for a second. I better go but we should get together sometime. Maybe go out for coffee?"

"Yeah, I'd like that." Jessica smiled, "I'll see you around."

Jude paused to watch her go. Jessica strode through the crowd comfortably, not shying away from patients in the way Jude did. A blur of motion caught Jude's eye, ahead of Jude at the Hospital doors. Tommy was racing up the front steps. When he caught side of Jessica the urgency departed his motions but he still moved to her quickly. She raised her hands and shook her head, laughing, as he put a hand on her shoulder. She said something and motioned behind her. Tommy's eyes drifted to Jude and feeling uncertain and out of place, she raced one hand in a lifeless wave. He nodded in response as he guided Jessica to the doors and out into the bright mid-day sunshine.

-=|=-

"I can't believe you did this to yourself," Jude remarked. Mark had one arm over her shoulder, the other around John's as the two of them guided him up the front stairs of he and Jude's home.

"I guess I had a few too many glasses of wine at dinner last night," he joked, "maybe the alcohol hadn't completely left my system. It turns out crowd surfing doesn't work without a crowd."

"Oh, is that what that was supposed to be?" John laughed. "I thought you just tripped over your own foot and fell of the stage."

"Oh, come on now." Mark shifted his weight to lean more heavily on John as Jude opened the front door. "No one's going to buy that. I'm far to graceful to do something like that."

"Actually, I was just thinking how much it sounded like you," Jude teased.

"Honey, I love you but you are crazy." Mark shook his head at her. His eyes were still slightly glazed from the pain medicine.

The three of them hobbled into the living room and Mark was lowered down onto the sofa.

"I think you're going to be sleeping her for the next couple of weeks mate," John pointed out, eyeing the cast on Mark's ankle. "I don't fancy the stairs with that thing."

"Hmm." Mark glanced around him. "But there's no room for Jude. We'll have to get the bed brought down."

Jude laughed. "Thanks so much for your help John." She walked with him to the door.

"No problem. I'm heading to G-Major to talk with Darius about delaying the tour. We're still in the planning stages so it should be that big of a deal. The Doctor did say it was only a hairline fracture and should heal quickly."

"Mark's always said he heals quickly but I haven't seen much evidence of that yet."

"We've known each other since High School. He heals quickly but loudly. I don't envy you him these next few weeks." He laughed.

"Great," Jude sighed as the door closed behind him.

"Well, it's just the two of us then." Mark had settled himself in the middle of the sofa, his arms propped up on the cushions around him. He patted the space beside him. "How about you take a couple of weeks off and we locks ourselves away from the world for awhile?"

"Uh, yeah, that's happening," Jude rolled her eyes. "I think we should hire a nurse."

"Oh, we will have to go out tomorrow. So much for the isolated love nest," Mark explained, "that new guy from work, the one you used to work with, Quincy something? He and his wife invited us over to dinner tomorrow night."

**Teasers for Part 6****  
**_**"Will it start a fight?…" **_

"If I recall correctly, you thought he was having an affair. That must have been a lot of talking."

"I didn't have any proof. It was just insecurity and paranoia."

"No," he sighed. "It wasn't. I tried to tell you but you didn't want to hear."


	6. Chapter 6: Will it start a fight?

I'm not a fan of this chapter...  
Been kind of down so I haven't been writing for this much. Though there are some scenes coming up with Jude and Tommy forced to spent time together (alone) that have been kind of fun to write. Hopefully that will be in the next chapter but I've skipped ahead and have to fill in between first.

_____________________________________________

**Chapter 6****  
**_**"And I, never wanna say goodbye…" **_

"I've discovered something about myself," Mark declared. They were standing on the doorstep of Tommy and Jessica's, beside the infamous flower bush. Jude had just knocked and she could already hear approaching footsteps and Kara's excited voice.

"That isn't always a good thing."

"I hate stairs."

She laughed as she glanced back at the tricky concrete stairs they'd only successfully climbed through a great joint effort. "Okay, yes, I'm with you on that one."

The door swung open and she had to fight to keep the smile from dying on her lips. Oh, to be anywhere else on earth at this moment.

Tommy was wearing a black button up shirt, with jeans, casual but tidy. For a second she was a teenage girl again, mesmerized by his charm. His eyes danced over hers briefly then landed on Mark and instantly her stomach dropped. She'd seen that look in his eyes before, that self-righteous determination; he'd worn it the night of her school dance when he'd attempted to ruin her evening with Shay. Tommy was up to something.

"Mark, right?" Tommy extended his hand and Mark shook it. Jude observed the way he placed his arm on Mark's shoulder as he did it and she remembered a passage she'd read on body language in a magazine somewhere. It had pointed out that placing a hand on someone's shoulder during a hand shake was an act of dominance, of taking (or, more precisely: executing) the upper hand. Considering how wobbly Mark was on his crutches it could also have been construed as an offer of support but she wasn't convinced. "Can I help you there?"

"No, I'm fine. I'm starting to get the hang of these things." Tommy stepped aside and Marked hopped through the front door.

"Come through this way," Tommy motioned to their left, "Jessica's just setting the table." Mark did as he was told and Tommy turned to Jude as he walked away. "Can I take your coat?"

Jude sighed as she shrugged it off, shying away from his helping hands, than handed it to him. "It was very friendly of you to invite us to dinner tonight," she observed.

"It was Jessica's idea."

"Right. Look, could you do me a favour and not mention what you saw at the studio the other day?"

Tommy smiled, his eyes searching hers. "You both seemed a lot chummier just now."

"We are. Not that it's any of your business but we've talked and worked out a few things. We're in a good place."

"If I recall correctly, you thought he was having an affair. That must have been a lot of talking."

"I didn't have any proof. It was just insecurity and paranoia."

"No," he sighed. "It wasn't. I tried to tell you but you didn't want to hear."

Her eyes scanned his and she shook her head, her jaw setting into a grim line. "I still don't. Tommy, please stay out of it."

-=|=-

Jessica was showing Mark to his seat when Jude and Tommy walked into the room. Her gaze shot up, drifting from one, to the other and then vying away before she made anyone uncomfortable.

"Jude, honey, you look adorable." She waved in greeting though her attention was quickly diverted by Kara who was about to jump out of her chair and take the tablecloth with her. "Honey, focus," she pointed out gently. Kara had been playing with the corner of the tablecloth, threading it through a ring she was wearing, and in her excitement over seeing Jude had completely forgotten it was still attached to her finger.

Tommy pulled out a chair for Jude, beside Mark. "Can I get you anything?" he asked politely, his smile strangely sardonic. Jessica patted Kara's head as she watched.

"I'm fine, thanks."

Interesting, Jude was definitely cool with him. Cool to the point of being downright rude.

After the usual awkward beginnings, the dinner got underway. Jessica sat at the head of the table with Kara across from her and Jude to her left with Mark beside her. Tommy was on Jessica's left.

"How did you hurt your leg, Mr.-" Kara paused, unsure of Mark's surname, "Mr. Jude's husband," she finally supplied, smiling her sweetest smile to offset any potential insult. She was busy trying to figure out a way to pick up both a piece of meat and peas with her fork. The meat was too big to stab clear through and any attempt to impale the peas just left them mushed on her plate. A frown creased her forehead as she continued to try in vain. Normally she ate peas with a spoon but she was determined to be a grown up for tonight's dinner.

"You can call me Mark, kiddo," he offered, "and actually, it's a long story."

Jude put down her fork to cover her smile with her hand. Mark glanced at her, feigning offence.

"See that?" he motioned to Kara, "I have a really insensitive wife, don't I? You know, I don't think she loves me at all…"

Kara glanced at Jude with wide-eyed adoration. "I think she does," she said, very seriously.

"You still haven't said you how you broke your leg," Tommy pointed out. He'd put down both his knife and fork and had his elbows propped up on the table, hands folded over one another above his plate. Jude glanced up at him, then dropped her eyes back to her plate when he caught her gaze and smiled sweetly.

"Well, you see, the drummer didn't like the change I'd made to the lyrics," he rolled his eyes at Kara and she giggled, "and, well, he got a little hissy. He says the drumstick 'just slipped out of his hand' but I'm not buying it. What do you think?"

Kara shook her head.

"You're such a liar," Jude slapped him on the arm playfully; "it was nothing dramatic like that, Kara. He pretty much tripped over his own feet and fell off the stage."

Mark shrugged and nodded. "I'm sorry Kara, truth is I'm exaggerating. But John has been known to get hissy over lyric changes. That much is true."

"Being a good liar can come in handy in the music business," Tommy observed, picking up his utensils once again.

"Very true," Mark agreed.

"I remember you saying music was all about honesty," Jude accused.

"Music, yes; when you're writing a song, recording in a studio," his gaze drifted from her to Mark, "then it's all about being honest. Who you're with, what you're doing, it should all come out into the light then."

Mark looked up from his plate of food and met Tommy's gaze then, and for a moment the room seemed very quiet. Jessica watched Mark's brows furrow, his eyes sparkling with something akin to anger. Tommy's expression was calm but almost threatening and Jude just looked a little annoyed.

She spoke up, eager to break the tension. "I know I'm terribly outnumbered but please keep in mind there is a music illiterate here and you've completely lost me."

Mark laughed, "Sorry about that. I guess we're always so immersed in it that we barely notice when we bring it up. We're all so used to seeing each other in the studio that we forget we're not there. Right, Tommy?"

"Right." Tommy nodded. "We see each other in the studio _all the time_."

Mark lifted his chin, gritted his teeth and nodded in response. Tommy smiled briefly and returned his attention to his plate. Jessica only just heard Jude's soft sigh before she turned to her.

"So how's the new house? Are you settled in yet?"

"Yes, it's great."

She had to focus on keeping her attention on Jude. Her eyes kept drifting to Tommy and the way he looked at Mark… and the way he looked at Jude.

-=|=-

Jessica leaned against Tommy, welcoming his warmth as he wrapped one arm around her and waved to Mark and Jude as they drove away, with the other.

"That was quite a night," she remarked as they turned to go back inside.

"Sorry it got a little tense." He closed and locked the door behind them.

She walked ahead and began to collect plates from the table. He followed, took them from her and steered her to a chair as he began to collect the dinner dishes himself.

"You're pretty protective when it comes to Jude, huh?" she asked. "The two of you have a lot of history, I guess."

"I've never liked seeing her with jerks. She's like a little sister to me when it comes to things like that." He stacked a pile of plates on top of one another and glanced over at her.

Jessica gazed into his eyes and shook her head. "No, she's not like a little sister. Not then," she paused, "not now."

His eyes softened. "Jess-"

She interrupted, "it's okay." She moved to stand by him and held her palm against his cheek. "I understand."

____________________________________________

**Teasers for Part 7****  
**_**"And does he know you're talking to me?" **_

_"I might be being completely paranoid here but the other night, I got the feeling that you had a problem with me." Mark threw his hands into the air as he slowly paced in a circle around Tommy. He smiled, laughing slightly as if the idea were silly._

"I don't really know you Mark, so I couldn't really have a problem with you. However, I do care about Jude and I do have a problem with the fact that her husband is cheating on her." 


	7. Chapter 7: Sometimes I wish

Sorry about the delay in posting. This is one of those frustrating filler chapters but the next one is fun (to me at least)

_____________________________________________

**Chapter 7****  
**_**"Sometimes I wish she was you"**_

Tommy was flipping through a folder of paperwork as he crossed the G-Major lobby on the way back to his office. It had been a couple of days since the dinner with Jude and her husband and it he hadn't seen either of them at G-Major until today. Mark had been making a ruckus in the kitchen with his band when Tommy arrived.

"I'd like to have a word with you."

Tommy stopped walking and glanced up just in time to keep from crashing into Mark's chest. The intimidating fact the guy was just a little taller than him hadn't lost his attention. In comparison, Mark positively towered over Jude.

"Oh really?" He raised his eyebrows and shrugged flippantly. "What about?"

"Let's step into my office."

"I wasn't aware you had an office."

Mark motioned to Studio B.

Tommy chuckled. "Right, your _office_."

Mark closed the door behind him and pulled up a stool for Tommy. Tommy merely glanced at it then back at him. He wasn't falling for this kid's stand over tactics.

"I might be being completely paranoid here but the other night, I got the feeling that you had a problem with me." Mark threw his hands into the air as he slowly paced in a circle around Tommy. He smiled, laughing slightly as if the idea were silly.

"I don't really know you Mark, so I couldn't really have a problem with you. However, I do care about Jude and I do have a problem with the fact that her husband is cheating on her."

"That is tabloid trash. Don't go believing what you read in the tabloids, Tommy Q." he smirked, though a little of the confidence had left his eyes.

"I really don't. I believe what I see with my eyes, especially when she's hiding out in _my_ office, in your jacket."

Mark sighed. "The brunette a couple of weeks ago? She was some crazy fan who snuck in here. She tried to seduce me but-"

"Save it kid. I've been where you are and I know all the lines, all the tricks. It might feel good now but you'll only end up hurting yourself and the people you love."

Mark gritted his teeth. "Jude and I are in a good place right now and if you go telling her your hair brained theories, I swear I'll…"

Tommy smiled."You'll what?"

Mark sighed and raised his hands in surrender. "Look, I appreciate you looking out for my wife but it seems to me you have a few women in your life already. How about you stick to yours and I'll stick to mine. I love Jude, I'm committed to her and I'm not cheating on her. " He shook his head. "Not now."

-=|=-

"What about this one?"

Tommy gingerly held up a sparkly pink T-Shirt for inspection. An afternoon with Kara had seemed like a great idea when Jessica suggested it but the fact was that he really wasn't fluent in little girl and all the fascinating, pretty and downright perplexing things their world contained. Kara turned from the rack she'd been halfheartedly flipping through and made a face.

"Dad," she whined, "I'm not a little girl."

He stuck his tongue out at her and placed the shirt back on the pile. "I'm sorry Madame. My mistake. I must have missed it all. Have you thought about retirement plans yet? Gosh, I must have missed your graduation! Honey, I'm so sorry yet."

Kara rolled her eyes. "You know what I mean," she insisted. "I'm not into pink anymore. It's too… girly."

"Though he was reluctant, he didn't let it show. "It's your mother's favorite color."

She tilted her head to the side as she considered. "That's true." She picked up the T-shirt and held it up for further inspection.

Regretting his manipulation, Tommy placed a hand on her shoulder. "Come on," he angled his head to the door. "I need a break."

Kara laughed. "You can only stand shopping for so long huh? You've done well today Dad, I'm proud of you." She wrapped an arm around her father's wrist and leaned against him affectionately as they strode to the food court.

"How are things at school?" Tommy asked when they were seated at a table with their food.

"It's okay." Kara shrugged as she tore the paper wrapping off a straw. She twirled the straw between her fingers for a moment before dropping it into her thick shake and taking a big sip. "I mean, there are a couple of girls who're mean to me but they're not important. I've got a few good friends now, which reminds me. I was hoping to invite some of them over for a sleepover. Can I?"

"I don't know honey, maybe you should ask your Mom."

"If she says it's okay, is it okay with you?"

"Of course."

"Hey Dad?" Kara asked after a few minutes of silent eating.

"Yeah?"

"Can we do this again sometime? You know, just the two of us?"

She was smiling happily as she took a far too large bite of her burger and giggled. Tommy watched, temporarily dazed. She'd grown so much. Every so often it caught him, the daily differences. Before he knew it she'd be in high school and he had absolutely no idea how he was going to deal with it all.

"Dad?" Kara waved her hand in front of his face. "We don't have to if it makes you sad."

He forced a smile. "It makes me happy Kara, very happy and I definitely think we should make it a regular thing. There's nothing I like more then a day with my favorite girl."

"I thought Mom was your favorite girl."

"She's my favorite woman. You're my favorite tyke."

"Daaaad," Kara rolled her eyes as she whined.

"I know, I know, you're not a little kid anymore." He smiled as he leaned across the table to tussle her hair.

-=|=-

Tommy felt old and out of place in his tuxedo and tie in a room full of models, musicians and actors. Each one with outwardly picture perfect and carefree lives, he couldn't relate to this world of glamour and vanity any longer. Didn't they realize people were suffering, dying, losing everything and all the pretty music and touching films in the world could never truly change that?

"Why the long face Quincy?"

Tommy lifted his eyes from the napkin he'd been tearing with his hands and met Mark's somewhat taunting gaze. He'd almost forgotten he wasn't the island he felt in this room. He was seated at a G-Major table that included Darius, Jude and Mark, and a couple of other musicians he didn't know. Even Kara had joined them. She was thrilled to be at the Chorus Music Awards and certain her father would win both of the awards he was nominated for.

"I mean, it's the Chorus Music awards, the biggest night in the entertainment industry," Mark continued, "and aren't you up for a little award or something?"

Beside Mark, Jude took a sip of her champagne and kept her eyes on the band performing on stage.

"Little?" Darius chuckled, "My man's up for Producer of the year!" He ruffled Kara's hair. "Aren't you proud of your old man?"

She nodded as enthusiastically as she could but Tommy could see the exhaustion in her eyes. See, that was just it, he didn't want to sit in a room full of people patting themselves on the back when he could be reading his daughter a bedtime story and tucking her into that bad.

Darius and Mark began to discuss Mark's upcoming tour while Jessica busied herself adjusting the napkin spread over Kara's lap. Out of boredom, and in an attempt to break the ice wall between them, Tommy mimicked Jude's action across the table as she took another sip of champagne and nibbled on a breadstick. Around the time he twirled an imaginary strand of hair, she noticed what he was doing and offered a rare, if grudging smile.

The room was dark, except for the blinding lights on stage and the flickering candles at the center of each table, which bathed the occupants in romantic light. Jude's hair was sparkling golden in the light, her eyes sparkling either from the alcohol or excitement and he was taken back to the night of her seventeenth birthday.

Jessica spoke, unwittingly shattering the strange, euphoric moment he and Jude had been temporarily lost in. Jude looked away, back to the stage and Tommy turned to his wife.

"You seem a million miles away," Jessica was saying. "What are you thinking about?"

"Just reminiscing."

"Good memories?"

He nodded, "mostly."

-=|=-

Jude excused herself from the table as Tommy was making his way back through the crowd after his acceptance speech for Producer of the year. She wove through the tables full of boisterous musicians and industry people, aware of Tommy watching her from across the room. The lights above them were dimmed to allow for the focus on the stage but somehow they seemed too bright. She felt so auspicious in her sparkling silver dress. She felt as if the thousands of sequins covering her body were drawing to them every fragment of light and casting it back out into the room like a giant sign screaming 'Look at me! I don't know what the hell I'm doing here!'

She made it to the bathrooms and pushed the door open with a sigh of relief. The room was empty, it's marbled walls blocking out all but the softest sound from the room next door. She slowly walked over to the washbasins and braced her arms against them. She gazed into a sink, watching drops of water gripping the side, too small and insignificant to cave to gravity and pool at the bottom but unable to travel elsewhere. They clung there, imprisoned.

Jude was tired, so tired of the way her life had turned out, of the person she'd become. It had been one thing, dealing with this day to day existence a month ago when she would pour all of her hurt and frustrating into her music. It had become her drug. She'd stop only to eat, shower on occasion and to sleep the bare minimum. When she was pouring her heard onto paper as she wrote down a lyric, or singing out all the cobwebs that were clouding her mind, it was like reality took a step back, like everything came to her through a filter that diluted and made things manageable.

But now that had changed. Tommy's return brought everything back. Just seeing his back as he made coffee in the break room, his profile as he walked past the glass doors of the recording booth, it reminded her so painfully of who she had become. A polite hello in that husky tone and a vivid flash back of her first day of recording would come back; the hope, the excitement mixed with the stoic determination to be her and not what they wanted her to be. Tommy brought back memories of Shay and private vows to never let a guy walk over her again. He reminded her of her passion for life. He was Tommy and more and more every day… she felt she wasn't Jude.

____________________________________________

**Teasers for Part 8****  
**_**"Sometimes I wish she was you" **_

_"Was she mad?" Jude asked. Strands of hair had fallen free from her elaborate up do and she brushed them out of her face quickly._

"No," he appeared confused by her question, "it's a storm. No ones to blame."

"No, about this," Jude motioned around them. "Us alone in a single unit together." 


	8. Chapter 8: Wish she was you

Oh gosh. I think this is my longest lapse in updates yet. *cringe*

**Chapter 8  
_"Sometimes I wish she was you..._**

**__**When Jude returned the table she found an intense conversation taking place. Jessica had Kara on her lap and was stroking her hair comfortingly. Mark was standing beside her, an arm on the back of her chair. Tommy was glaring up at him as he spoke to Jessica.

"Look, if she's not feeling well I don't want to stay here anyway. I'll just take you home."

"No, this is your night and you deserve to stay here with your friends. I can take care of Kara. We'll be fine."

"Mommy, I feel fine," Kara insisted, craning her head up to see her mother's face.  
Tommy's expression was pained as he glanced down at his daughter and then back at his wife. A silent conversation passed between them as Jude paused at her chair. She shot a questioning look at Mark who shrugged then explained, "John got arrested again. The other guys aren't answering their cells and he needs me to go and bail him out. Kara wasn't feeling well so I offered to give her and Jess a ride home."

"Only it isn't needed," Tommy's words were directed to Jude, though his eyes were still on Jessica. "Because I'm taking them home myself."

"Tom," Darius spoke up for the first time, "I really would appreciate you staying. I wanted you up there with me when I go up for the label award."

Tommy closed his eyes tightly and sighed.  
"See, honey, it's decided." Jessica rose to her feet. "I'll text you if anything happens but we're going to be fine." She lowered Kara to the floor and took her hand. She pressed a quick kiss to Tommy's forehead then nodded to Mark. He smiled at Jude and waved a hand lightly before following Jessica out of the room.  
Jude sat down. Darius was already lost in the award show again, clapping and cheering for one of the musicians onstage. Tommy sat, his shoulders slumped.

"Are you okay?" Jude asked softly. She wanted to reach across the table and touch his arm but something stopped her.

He nodded. "I'm fine."

"Oh, Tom," Darius spoke up again. "Could you give Jude a ride home tonight? Mark just took their car and flying to New York after this so I can't offer her transport.

Tommy nodded. "Yeah, fine."

Tommy turned the head lights down to dim. The falling snow was like a reflective blanket, bouncing back every shred of light to blind him.

"Congratulations on your award," Jude spoke to fill the silence.

"Thanks," he changed down a gear and neither acknowledged the fact that they were now barely moving and the snow was only getting heavier.

"How long did you and Chord work together?"

"A couple of years. He had other producers too. I recorded maybe five tracks per album."

"Are you going to collaborate again in the future?"

"Probably not. He likes to stick to home during the recording process."

"Yeah, I heard he's pretty reclusive."

"I could probably travel to him but I think Darius is going to be keeping me pretty busy."

"An award winning collaboration," she smiled, "you must miss it, that kind of musical connection."

He glanced over at her, "not as much as I miss ours."

Her eyes remained on the road ahead of them.

"You probably won't believe me but I've thought about you every day I've been gone."

She muttered under her breath, "No, I probably wouldn't," her attention on the scenery passing by her window.

He sighed and turned his attention back to the road. Seconds lapsed into minutes and the minutes dragged out as an awkward silence settled around them.

Jude leaned forward in her seats as flashing lights up ahead began to penetrate the snowfall. "Is that an accident?" she asked nervously.

"I hope not."

As they slowly approached, they soon made out a road works vehicle, it's roof lights flashing shocking orange against the sea of white, parked by the side of the road. A snow plough was starting up in the opposite lane, leading back into town. A man climbed out of the car as they came to a stop beside the snow plow. He tipped his billed hat down to keep the falling snow out of his face as he walked to Jude's window.

"Good evening folks," he smiled, his lips turning slightly blue with the cold. "I'm afraid we've had to close down the road up ahead. The snows getting pretty heavy and it brought down a tree a few miles along. It's not safe."

"Of course," Tommy leaned across Jude to be able to see the man's face and she leaned back in her chair as far as possible, a little uncomfortable with his proximity. "Do you know if there's any accommodation left back in town?"

"It's going quickly. It's a small town and we don't get many tourists. We only have two motels, you know. I can radio through and ask them to hold a room for you."

"That would be great. Thanks."

The road worker motioned to the snow plow which was now slowly moving up the road in the opposite direction. "You can follow Larry here back into town. Avoid using your breaks and keep your speed at a minimum. Remember if you lose control, the speed you're traveling is the speed you'll be skidding."

Jude gulped.

"Thanks for your help."

The man turned and hurried back to his car as Jude pressed the button to close the window.

"I can't believe this came on so quickly," she murmured.

"Remember that horror movie Sadie and I took you to see, about the group of kids caught out in the blizzard?"

Jude rolled her eyes, "you're not helping."

"You got in just in time," the motel receptionist smiled as she handed over the keys, "you got the last room. We've had to turn away another three people since Bill radioed in your booking."

"We appreciate it." Tommy smiled.

She tilted her head to the side and frowned as she stared at him. "You're familiar."

"Am I?" he glanced sideways at Jude who smiled. "You know; so are you. Doesn't she remind you of that actress in that movie we saw last night?" he asked Jude.

Jude shook her head, confused. "Movie?"

"Yeah, that French one. There was this really attractive female lead. I can't remember her name."

"Oh." The receptionist patted her hair and blushed. "A movie star, fancy that."

"Well, you have a good night. Thanks again for holding the room." He smiled, his teeth sparkling, and started for the door.

"You've still got it," Jude remarked, her tone both admiring and annoyed, as they stepped out into the brisk night air once again.

"Got what?" he spoke louder to be heard above the howl of the storm.

"The charm," her tone was definitely annoyed now. "I thought those things waned when you got old. You know? Like, 30."

He smirked at her as he opened their unit door. "I'm not thirty yet."

"No, when's the big day, a couple of months now?"

He held the door open for her as she entered. "Jude," he mimicked her earlier tone, "you're not helping."

"Honey, everything's fine. I promise. They closed the road as a precaution. Jude and I managed to get the last room at the local motel." Tommy's tone was smoothing as he explained the situation to Jessica on the phone. Behind him Jude was pulling cushions off the two-seater sofa and spreading them out on the floor. "I believe Jude is making a bed for me on the floor now," he remarked, glancing over his shoulder. "I'm impressed; I figured she'd make me sleep in the car. Wow, look at that, she's even giving me a blanket." He laughed, than paused, a frown taking over his features. "Honey, can you hear me?"

Jude stopped what she was doing and glanced up. "If the phones dying tell her to call Mark for me."

"Honey, the phone's dying. I don't know how much longer I've got. Could you call Mark for Jude and explained what happened?" he paused, "thanks. Tell Kara I love her." He held the phone for a second longer then lowered it into the cradle. "It's out," he explained to Jude, "she's going to call Mark."

"Was she mad?" Jude asked. Strands of hair had fallen free from her elaborate up do and she brushed them out of her face quickly.

"No," he appeared confused by her question, "it's a storm. No ones to blame."

"No, about this," Jude motioned around them. "Us alone in a single unit together."

"That's an oxymoron Harrison." She glared at him and he dropped the teasing act. "Jessica's fine. She understands the situation. We know where we stand with one another. She trusts me."

"Is that an unsubtle dig at my marriage?" Jude punched a cushion into place then stood up.

"I don't know. Would you be comfortable with Mark alone with a woman in a single unit, you now, together?"

She rolled her eyes and brushed past him. She'd put a kettle on to boil and it was whistling insistently on the stove. "That's none of your business."

"You brought it up."

She retriever two mugs from the cupboard and crashed them down on the bench angrily. She poured the boiling water into the first mug and began filling the second when the lights flickered and went out.

There was a crash and the sound of liquid spilling. "Ow, dammit."

"Jude? Are you okay?" Tommy groped in the darkness and followed a wall to the kitchen area. His foot hit a puddle of water and his hand found Jude's shoulder in the darkness. She was crouching on the kitchen floor clutching her hand to her chest. "Come on, get it under some cold water."

"I'm fine," she insisted. Her voice was tired, all the fighting gone. She didn't resist as he pulled her to her feet and ran the cold tap, one hand stroking her back soothingly. The water was icy as it ran over her burnt palm and she hissed in pain. "Must we continue the water torture?"

"You can stop when it stops hurting." He'd moved.

"Give it an hour and this water will have turned to solid ice in the pipes," Jude argued, "it's never going to stop hurting."

She turned to watch his vague silhouette in the darkness. He was searching through the cupboards, searching out a flashlight or candle.

"You know, you're a hard person to help," he remarked wryly.

Sighing, she turned back to the sink. Through the above window she could see nothing but white outside, a white horizon, a white ground and a constantly cascading sheet of falling white.

The candle's flame flickered, thrown about by the unwelcome breeze drifting in through the crack under the door. The heating had gone out with the power and the room was freezing. Jude had spent a good ten minutes with her hands cupped around the candle's flame, attempting to warm them after her soaking session under the icy tap. Eventually the cold had sent her crawling under the bed sheets where she was left fighting her guilt at banishing Tommy to the chilly floor. Truth be told she couldn't allow him any closer than that. Sure, Jessica would understand if he slept on the bed too. After all, they could top and tale or sleep under different layers of covers but she didn't feel comfortable with the thought. Perhaps she just didn't trust herself. She didn't want to be close to Tommy ever again…

"Do you think it will stop snowing before dawn?" she asked, her voice echoing in the tiny room.

"Hopefully it will have moved on by then. I don't fancy a day stuck in this town." Tommy shifted on the floor, groaning slightly as he rolled over then was forced to right the pillows that had strayed in the motion.

"I'm sorry."

"About what?"

"For making you sleep on the floor."

"It's fine, Jude. It's the appropriate thing for the situation."

She smiled to herself. "I bet Mark is fuming about now. He always gets jealous if I'm alone with another man. This would be beyond him."

"Interesting." She could tell he was trying to keep his tone indifferent and not accusing.

"Yes." She sighed and rolled to face away from him.

"How did the two of you meet?"

She let her eyes drift to the ceiling and shook her head slightly. "You're not really interested Tommy."

"No, I am. I seem to have arrived in the story during the conflict portion. I guess I'd like to know a little about the beginning. Maybe it would help me not hate him."

Silence settled around them as she closed her eyes and conjured up the memories. "I met him on tour. I'd just finished a big arena show and was too hyped to just go back to my Hotel and sleep. I found my way to a small club just down the street and ordered a drink. Mark's band began to perform and I stayed to listen. The way he drew in the crowd was inspiring. I'd been so detached that tour, disillusioned with my music and the new scale of everything in my career. But there in that small room, Mark made us all feel as if he were singing to each of us alone, as if there was no one else in the room. I drifted to the front of the room and during a break he came over to speak with me. He'd recognized me and after some typical flirting, he invited me to perform with them." She rolled onto her back and watched the light of the candle flickering on the ceiling. "I hadn't felt so alive performing, in a long time."

"How did he end up at G-Major?"

"It wasn't through me, if that's what you're thinking. I left the club that night without any exchange of numbers. I went back to my tour, a little more inspired and he went back to the life of a struggling musician. It was another six months, when I'd just returned to Toronto at the end of the tour, when I literally crashed into him in the G-Major lobby. One of G-Major's A&R reps had seen him at a showcase a couple of days earlier and they'd invited him in for a meeting. Just him," she pointed out, "they weren't interested in the band. They offered him a solo gig but he refused. He'd been with his band since High School and he wasn't going to walk away from them. They bartered for awhile and eventually Darius offered the entire group a record deal. We became friends over the next couple of months and eventually began dating. It was a smooth transition," she frowned, "I don't really remember the change. One minute we were friends and then… more."

She rolled onto her side again, this time facing where Tommy lay. In the soft light she saw him roll to face her. He rolled his eyes, turned to right the pillows once again, and then pulled the blanket up around his shoulders. "What made you realize you loved him?"

Her eyes met his for a second, before she looked away. "This is a really strange conversation to be having with you."

He ignored the comment. "I realized I still loved Jessica when I heard she was sick. When my heart literally stopped at the realization that she could be gone and I might never get the chance to apologize, to make up for all the ways I'd wronged her."

"How do you know that wasn't just guilt?"

"It was, mostly. But I didn't get guilty often. I let most things just roll off my shoulders unless it was someone that really mattered to me. And then I got home and began to spend time with her. I realized I didn't want her to die because I didn't want to live life without her, because I couldn't bear the thought of her life being snuffed out when she had so much to offer the world and so much right to exist…" his voice trailed off, shaking slightly.

"So when did you know," he asked, after a few minutes of uncomfortable silence, "when did you know you loved Mark?"

Jude thought for a moment. "It was after Sadie left. She got a job in New York City and she and Kwest moved away. It was a few months after SME disbanded and Kyle and Wally went to college. Spied had just started his first solo tour and Jamie was busy with school too. It was like my old support system had completely disintegrated. Everyone was gone. Every time I started to feel like it was too much, I'd never reach the final conclusion because Mark would appear, with a bouquet of flowers or a dorky B-Grade movie. One day he surprised me in the studio with a mix tape, an actual cassette tape and a couple of glow sticks. He turned out the lights and put the music on. He handed me a glow stick then began waving his around and dancing. I kept calling him a dork and refusing to co-operate but then I got pulled into it. He had this innate ability to make me get over myself and just live in the moment, no matter how cheesy or ridiculous it was."

Tommy snickered. "That is cheesy."

She shook her head. "I shouldn't have told you this."

He laughed to himself. "No, I'm sorry. Go on."

She folded her arms across her chest. "That's it, that's the answer to your question."

"You loved him because of glow sticks and B-Grade movies…"

"I loved him because he was there for me," she blurted out the words angrily then paused. "He was there for me when a lot of other people weren't."

He exhaled slowly. "Ouch."

"This isn't about you, Tommy. It _wasn't_ about you."

"If I'd been there you would never have married him."

She sat up suddenly, fighting the urge to hurl her pillow at him. "That is the most arrogant, egotistical thing I've ever heard."

His eyes met hers in the darkness. "I wouldn't have let you Jude."

She scoffed. "All this power and influence you think you had over me."

"I _know_ how much power I have over you."

"_Had_"

"Have."

Ignoring the growing argument, she closed her eyes and lay down again. "It wouldn't have been your decision."

**Teasers for Part 9  
**_  
Jude glanced sideways at her. "There's a lot of memories throughout this building."_

Jessica nodded. "But I think this fire escape tops the list of regrets for things handled badly."

-

Mark spoke firmly, "You weren't the first but you've got one defining feature honey, you're the last."


	9. Chapter 9: Everything Ends

**Chapter 9****  
**_**is everything okay? **_

Jessica sidestepped a puddle as she took a shortcut from a nearby parking garage to G-Major, via the alley alongside the building.

Alleyways always creeped her out, even in the middle of the day with people everywhere, she still expected a masked killer to leap out of the shadows at her.

Something caught her attention and she shaded her eyes to look up to the second floor. Jude was sitting on the fire escape, notebook in hand.

"Jude?" she called, waving a hand above her head.

Jude glanced down and smiled when she recognized her.

"Ugh, I don't see how you sit her so calmly," Jessica exclaimed as he clung to the railing and climbed the wobbly ladder to the landing. She paused halfway up to catch her breath then continued.

Jude smiled. "I like it here. It's peaceful."

Jessica gazed out over the alleyway, facing out to the street. She leaned her arms on the railing and closed her eyes, imagining rain falling on a dark night.

"You okay?" Jude asked.

Jessica opened her eyes and shook her head to clear the mental image. "Just daydreaming." She motioned to the notebook in Jude's hand. "Am I interrupting?""

Jude shook her head and rolled her eyes. "No, I'm totally blocked anyway. Don't worry about it. Come sit and chat with me, maybe you'll give me some ideas for a song." Here," she shrugged off her jacket and spread it over the metal floor of the fire escape beside her. "Thanks for dinner the other night, by the way, it was a delicious meal."

Jessica laughed, "but a very tense night. I don't know what was with Tommy."

Jude had moved to the edge of the fire escape and was dangling her legs over the side. Jessica had to look away to suppress the nausea that sprung up at the sight of Jude's feet just dangling above nothing. Jude didn't speak.

"You and Mark seemed really happy. Have you worked things out?"

Jude nodded. "We're starting afresh. I'm still not entirely sure nothing happened but at this point I don't want to know. Nothing good would come from that information and the past is in the past."

Jessica didn't answer. She wanted to agree, to say she was sure everything would be fine but she knew better. She'd had the young rock star husband and she knew the wandering ways. She also knew bad habits die hard and not generally without a major catalyst pushing in the right direction.

Jude leaned back, propping herself back on her elbows as she gazed up into the early afternoon sky.

"You could have some fun from up here," Jessica remarked. "I'd be tempted to water bomb people. If only I had some on me right now. All I'd need is Tommy to come out that door right there and I'm sure I could get him."

Jude laughed. She'd sat upright again and crossed her arms over one another on the lower bar of the railing. "I used to mix chocolate sauce, water and corn flour together. You know, to look like bird poop. Then I'd drop it on my band members heads. They _loved_ that."

Jessica laughed.

"We'd have to lure Tommy out if you wanted to prank him. I never see him back here anymore." Jude frowned.

"A lot of memories I guess."

Jude glanced sideways at her. "There's a lot of memories throughout this building."

Jessica nodded. "But I think this fire escape tops the list of regrets for things handled badly."

Jude inhaled sharply. Jessica noticed she couldn't meet her eye.

"He… he told me, Jude, about the two of you, about everything that did and didn't happen. When we were trying to get our relationship back on track, we realized we needed complete honesty or it would never work. He told me about the numerous women in his life after he left me, and the one night stands," she cringed at the memory. "But the one that stood out to me the most, even when I didn't have a face to put to the name, was you. He felt so bad about the way he treated you and at first I was jealous…"

"I'm sorry," Jude whispered.

"You didn't do a single thing wrong." Jessica patted her arm and smiled a genuine, if not shaky, smile. "After awhile I actually started to feel bad too. I'm sorry you were hurt because of us. I'm sorry he left you the way he did, because of me."

"It was always about you, wasn't it?" Jude remarked, her eyes on the wall across from her. She hoped there wasn't any bitterness in her tone but it was hard. "There were so many girls but he never truly committed to a relationship or even the idea of a relationship with any of them. His mind was in it but never his heart. I think that always belonged to you."

Jessica shook her head slightly, "Maybe a very confused chunk of it but he did care about you Jude. That was real."

"Good to see you back man," John declared, slapping Mark on the back as he walked up to the makeshift stage that had been set up in a hired Warehouse for their band rehearsal. "Promise me you won't go falling off this one too, okay?"

"I still maintain that I was pushed," Mark insisted with a grin.

"Right, by the ghost of that imaginary fan girl who died at that concert last year, right?"

"Right, only it was a guy. No imaginary female ghost would be strong enough to push me off a stage." Mark slowly climbed the stairs to the stage, wincing slightly. His leg ached and he still felt a little strange on his feet but he was determined to get back to band rehearsals. The tour had already been delayed by a month and he wasn't going to allow for another week.

"Right," John laughed. "The other guys just texted to say they're pulling up outside. I'm gonna go help them with their equipment. You stay and reacquaint yourself with the theory of gravity."

Mark waved him off with a laugh. He could already feel the rush of adrenaline beginning to pump through his veins as he walked to the front of the stage and wrapped one hand around the microphone stand. He could hear the roar of the crowd, feel the blinding effect of the spotlight, the vibrations from the amps pumping around the stage. He closed his eyes, letting it all soak in, leaving behind Mark, the stay at home dweeb with the bum leg and becoming Mark, the rockstar.

He was so caught up in the feel of it, in the new song beginning to run through his head that he didn't hear the tapping sound of approaching stiletto heels. He opened his eyes and half turned to check the drum set when he caught sight of a figure out of the corner of his eyes, a very pleasing feminine figure. He jumped, let out a curse and knocked over the microphone stand, all in one split second.

"Wow, Marky. I don't remember so jumpy," the blonde chuckled to herself and twirled a strand of hair around her finger. There was a glitter in her eyes, a confidence to the slow seductive smile that graced her lips and it was all far, far too familiar.

"Brittany," he sighed and leaned down to pick up the microphone stand. "What are you doing here?"

I came to see you silly." She started up the stairs, each step slow and seductive, allowing him to focus on each mini skirt clad, tanned leg as she moved. "You're leaving in a couple of days and I couldn't go three months without seeing you once more time."

"Brit, it was a one time thing. Been there, done that."

She barely let on that the words had registered. Her smile faded to a pout and the glitter in her eyes darkened to a determined glint. "You must let me know where you're staying," she continued as if she hadn't heard him. Closing the distance between them she placed a finger on his shoulder and slowly ran it down his arm as she slowly circled him. "So I can come visit you."

He remained stoic as she circled him like a python poised to attack. "It's over."

"It didn't feel over." Anger was creeping into her voice. "Especially consider your bimbo wife and that self-righteous producer turned up and interrupted."

Mark gritted his teeth as she insulted Jude. Calmly, he reached out and with gentle but firm movements, pushed her away. She took a step back, glowering in surprise.

"I. Love. My. wife." He paused between each word, enunciating clearly. "I'm not cheating on her. "

She lifted her chin. "Not anymore you mean?"

"Go away Brittany."

She took a few more steps back then stopped. She was jumpy, anger coursing through her. She flipped around, her hair circling around her like a dislodged golden halo. "I could go see her, you know. I _should_ see her, tell her all about our little meeting."

A muscle twitching in his jaw was the only betrayal of how much the threat scared him. "Go ahead," he bluffed, "I told her all about you, and all the others. You weren't the only one Brittany. You weren't special. You weren't anything."

As quickly as it had arisen, the fire left her eyes, replaced with true hurt. For a second he felt a twinge of guilt for using her and caring nothing for how she might feel.

"You weren't the first but you've got one defining feature honey, you're the last."

Jude hugged her arms around herself tightly as she watched Mark shake hands with numerous staff members in the G-Major lobby. She could have sworn she actually heard the bus engine start up outside, and she could almost see the electrical thrill running through Mark at the prospect of the tour, of the escape.

She averted her eyes to the carpet, to the meandering blur stripes against the black. The room was abuzz with conversation and she knew she should be a conscientious wife and smile and be excited for the band but she couldn't.

A door opened behind her and she glanced over her shoulder to see Tommy coming out of one of the studios. He closed the door quietly behind him then paused in the hall. His eyes met hers for a moment and she glanced away. Mark was walking over to her, his eyes on Tommy.

"Well, this is it," he said, "I should be going. You're going to be okay without me right?"

She rolled her eyes, "of course."

"You know, you could come with me. I know you need to finish up everything back her but you could join me in a few weeks." There was urgency in his voice, almost a tone of desperation.

"Maybe," she shrugged. "I've just got my tour coming up next year and I feel like some time at home."

"Yeah," he pulled her into his arms and she pressed her face into the side of his neck, inhaling the scent of him and feeling the warmth of his body spread to hers. "I'm going to miss you."

"Me too."

He pulled back, his hands on his shoulders. She smiled a wobbly smile as a tear spilled from her cheek. He kissed it a way and smoothed a hand through her hair, than he turned and was gone.

She took a deep breath. Everyone was flocking outside to wave off the bus but she'd had enough good-byes. She brushed past Tommy and headed down the corridor to her favorite studio.

Jessica had been chatting with the G-Major receptionist when she spotted Jessica on the street outside. She was locking her car and repeatedly tossing the shoulder strap of her purse over her shoulder as it insisted on sliding down to her elbow. The bright midday sun caught her dark hair, making it shine but there was a definite strain showing on her normally pretty face.

"Jessica," Jude moved toward her as she stepped through the automatic doors. "Are you okay?"

Jessica's eyes flittered to her face and a small frown peppered her forehead. She shook her head softly, slowly, as if the motion made it ache, and smiled. "It's fine. Is Tommy here?"

Jude shook her head. "He's out supervising the purchase of new studio equipment. He probably won't be back until later this afternoon. Are you sure you're okay?"

"Mhmm," she sighed. "I think I just need to sit down for awhile."

Jude led her to one of the sofas and shifted cushions as Jessica slowly lowered herself onto the seat. "Can I get you something to drink? Maybe some sugar will help?"

Jessica nodded faintly. "Green tea?"

Jude flipped open her cell phone as she boiled water in the kitchen. She didn't have Tommy's number in her address book. It was one of those things she'd been avoiding to protect herself but he'd called a week ago when he was trying to locate a guitar she'd been using at G-Major. She scrolled through her received calls until she found the number and pressed call.

"You've reached Tommy Quincy. Please leave a message."

She sighed. "Tommy, it's Jude. Jessica just arrived looking for you. She doesn't seem well, she's really pale and acting dizzy. I just wanted to let you know." She hung up the phone and tucked it into her pocket as she picked up Jessica's drink.

A blur of movement surrounded the sofa she'd left Jessica at. People knelt in front and leaved over the back as hushed voices whispered things like, 'is she breathing?', 'someone called an ambulance right?' and 'what happened?'

The mug fell unnoticed from Jude's hand, shattering against the wooden floor and sending hot liquid spilling everywhere. She pushed her way through the crowd and fell to her knees in front of Jessica.

She looked peaceful, her body slumped sideways on the sofa as if she were sleeping, her hair spilling around her.

"She just collapsed," the receptionist explained. "I don't know what happened. I've called an ambulance."

"She is breathing," one of the older studio musicians reported. He held her wrist between his thumb and index finger and nodded. "Her pulse is a little weak but okay."

"So she just fainted?" someone asked.

"But why?" anther echoed. "Shouldn't she have woken up already?"

Jude smoothed Jessica's hair away from her face. Her skin was flushed and warm to the touch. "Jessica? Honey, can you hear me?"

**Teasers for Part 10****  
**

She could tell her presence was making Tommy uncomfortable but then she'd long since reconciled the fact that they did that to one another and it would probably never change.


	10. Chapter 10: I saw the sign

I've set myself a goal to complete writing this story by the 27th of this month (my birthday). Wish me luck and please comment and let me know if you're out there and reading. I could do with the encouragement. It's a pretty big task and I'm so out of practice with writing that I'm ridiculously nervous.

**Chapter 9: **

_I saw the sign from the distant short, that I couldn't ignore…_

"Jude?" Jessica blinked wearily as she slowly came to. She was strapped onto a gurney in the back of the ambulance as it sped through downtown Toronto. "What's going on?"

Jude had Jessica's limp hand clutched in both of hers. "You passed out honey." She shifted to the side as a paramedic checked Jessica's blood pressure. "We're going to the hospital. I already called Tommy and he's going to meet us there."

Jessica closed her eyes tightly. Her body was shaking slightlt, the hand in Jude's trembling.

"Ma'am, do you have any medical conditions we should know about?" the paramedic asked.

Jessica nodded, her eyes fluttering open. "They know me in the hospital. I have end stage Leukemia." Her eyes met Jude's as she spoke the last words.

It took a moment for the word's and their meanings to register. A ripple of shock ran through Jude's entire body as everything suddenly clicked into place. She sat back against the ambulance wall, not noticing as Jessica's hand fell from hers.

"Tommy knows?" she knew the answer to the question even as the words fell from her lips.

Jessica nodded.

"And Kara?"

"Maybe not every detail. We're trying to ease her into it gradually. She knows I'm very sick."

"Why…" Jude floundered for words to express the jumble of questions running through her mind. "Why did you come to Toronto?"

"So Tommy could be with his friends and family. So he'd have support after I went."

"You're not fighting it?"

"The chances of survival were virtually nil when I was diagnosed. I wanted quality of life over quantity."

"How long do you have?"

She shrugged, tears welling in her eyes. "Not long. It's hard to say… months, maybe."

-=|=-

The automatic doors of the emergency room whooshed open and the sound startled Jude. It reminded her of an exhaling monster in some childhood dream and every experience she's ever had in a hospital; the fear, the helplessness, the unknown was all hidden beneath, lurking inside the sound.

She didn't really notice the approaching footsteps until they broke into her consciousness just long enough for her to realize they were approaching her.

"Jude?" Tommy's tone was pensive. His gait strangely slowed, as if he were unconsciously trying to delay some dark inevitable truth. "Where is she?"

Jude motioned down a nearby corridor vaguely. "The doctor's took her down there."

He slowly lowered himself into the seat next to hers. "Have they said anything?"

She shook her head. "I'm not family. All they would say is she's stable."

They both looked up to see a Doctor approaching, a clipboard in hand. "You came with Jessica Quincy?" he asked.

Jude nodded and pointed to Tommy, "this is her husband." The word still felt so strange on her lips.

The Doctor ushered Tommy aside. Their words drifted to Jude, hushed tones but indistinguishable. Occasionally Tommy would glance in her direction, his shoulders slumped, hands locked into his pockets.

She felt out of place and useless, an intruder in a place and time meant only for family. Should she stay and try to help or should she leave them? She could tell her presence was making Tommy uncomfortable but then she'd long since reconciled the fact that they did that to one another and it would probably never change.

An idea occurred to her and she glanced down at her watch. School would be letting out soon. She rose to her feet as Tommy approached, his eyes on his feet.

"Is she okay?" she asked, "for now."

His eyes shot up to hers and she could see the suspicions her words had ignited. She didn't want to get into what she did and didn't know. She just wanted to escape, escape and help.

He nodded. "Everything's under control. They discharge her in the morning."

"Did you make arrangements for Kara?"

His eyes widened in horror and she raised a hand. "It's okay. I can pick her up. Just give me directions and call the school to let them know I'm coming."

Tommy did as instructed, moments later Jude was rushing to the door.

"Hey, Jude!" He called. She spun around to see a sheepish smile on his face as he realized the cliché song title use, "sorry, just slipped out."

She shook her head with a roll of her eyes. "It's okay."

He ran a hand through his hair, a sure sign of nervousness. "Kara knows Jess has been ill but she doesn't know much more then that…"

Jude nodded. "I understand."

Kara watched the buses leave and car after car of perfect parents come and collect their child. She tapped her foot and sighed impatiently. She could have sworn she could see the sun beginning to set as the last child was collected. She dropped her bag on the concrete step where it landed with an angry thud then sank down beside it.

Dad had forgotten her. Again. This was happening quite a bit lately and she suspected it had something to do with 'it'.

'It', the thing that made them move here, that made Mommy fawn over her far more then usual and Daddy comply to her every request. The thing they discussed in hushed tones but fell silent over when she entered the room. If only she could figure out what 'it' was.

She rested her chin on her hands and gazed out onto the empty street. 'Is this what it's like to be an orphan?' she wondered.

She was contemplating tossing her bag over her shoulder and walking home, or running away, she hadn't decided which, when a car turned onto the street. Squinting, she shaded her eyes and tried to make out the driver.

Jude!

The car pulled up to the curb and she studied Jude's face as she grabbed her bag and clambered to her feet. 'It' had gotten to her too. The fluttering smile that didn't reach her eyes, the frown line creasing her forehead, Kara had seen it all before.

[-=|=-

"So how was school?" Jude asked. She flicked on her indicator and changed lanes, briefly glancing at Kara before returning her eyes to the road.

"Oh, you know. It was school." She shrugged her shoulders. "One of the boys pulled my hair in math. I dropped my sandwich in a puddle at lunch then Billy Thomas ate it." She scrunched up her nose in disgust and Jude laughed. "I got a 95 on an English test. You know, school." She summarized.

"So if Billy ate your sandwich you must be feeling pretty hungry by now, huh?"

Kara shrugged, "I'm okay."

"Too okay for McDonalds?"

A grin spread across Kara's face. "Never too okay."

-=|=-

Mark threw his hands into the air, letting the guitar swung loosely in front of him. "Thank-you!" He screamed. His voice echoed throughout the stadium, blending with the cheers of the crowd. He high fived John as they strode backstage. A nervous young roadie held up two white towels and he took one and kept walking without acknowledging him. Behind him he heard John stop to chat, asking the kid what he thought of the show. Mark rolled his eyes. Like it mattered.

A black sedan was waiting for him outside. A cheer erupted from the group of girls barricaded at the end of the alley when he stepped outside. He gave a casual wave and slid inside the car. Someone shut the door behind him and the car purred into life. He leaned his head against the headrest and closed his eyes. As much as he loved the attention and people's eyes on him, there was nothing quite like being alone at the end of a show. No one watching, judging, adoring or tempting.

There was a sudden movement beside him and he jumped in surprise as a dainty feminine hand slid over his knee.

"What the-"

Two fingers covered his mouth, silencing him before he could finish.

"Don't swear," a female voice said smoothly, "far too ugly words to come from such beautiful lips."

He swung his arms, dislodging her hands where they'd taken hold. "How the hell did you get in here?"

"I told you. You shouldn't swe-"

"Stop the car!" He yelled.

"Oh come on," a note of desperation had found a place in her words and her expression was pleading.

"Have a little dignity," he snapped. "And GET OUT!"

She tossed her hair and opened the door. "Hey, it's your loss."

He got out too, slamming the door behind him as he growled to himself and pulled open the driver door.

"Get out!" He snapped to the surprised man. "You're fired."

-=|=-

Jude shifted uncomfortably on the sofa, clutching a cushion to her stomach then tucking it behind her. On the wall above her a happy picture of Jessica smiled down and she felt her insides twinge with pity and fear. Tommy was upstairs reading Kara a bedtime story. Every so often their voices would drift down the stairs and through the open door behind Jude. At first there had been Kara's small, timid voice and Tommy's hushed and reassuring tones as he helped pull her out of her world of boogie monsters and Dickens orphanages into a reality where her father was by her side, no matter what was happening to her mother. After awhile she'd returned to herself, though somewhat more reserved.

They'd chosen out a story, one a little young for Kara that Jude guessed was a lifelong favorite, considering the girl's ability to recite sentences before Tommy had even read them. Good-nights were whispered and Jude tried to tune it all out. She felt wrong eavesdropping on a special moment while the only woman who had the right to be here, to be hearing it, lay sick in a hospital bed on the other side of town.

Tommy descended the stairs slowly and walked into the room without looking at her. She wished again that she'd ignored his insistence and left after dropping Kara home a half hour ago. She didn't want to be here. She didn't know what to do or say.

He crossed the room to a bookshelf and straightened a couple of titles, then turned on the three lamps placed sporadically around the room and turned off the main light. "It's too bright," he muttered, more to himself then her, "it's like the wards…"

He left the room for a second, then remembering himself, stepped back to ask, "Can I get you anything? Something to drink?"

Without even thinking she went for the easy option, the polite option, though her mouth was dry. "I'm fine."

He nodded, "Green tea then."

Despite herself she smiled at his ability to see through her.

He returned a little while later and set a cup down in front of her before settling on the armchair across from her.

"Is she okay?" she asked.

He nodded, "for now."

They fell into silence. She stirred a teaspoon through the thin green liquid in her mug and inhaled its soft aroma.

"Are you okay Tommy?" the words came out before she'd realized she was formulating them.

He nodded silently, not looking at her.

"You're calm," she closed her eyes. She had no control over her words tonight. They wouldn't do what she wanted them to, wouldn't say what she needed them to. "You're too calm. I don't understand."

"I've been living with this for a long time, Jude."

"So it gets easier?" she stared at him intently.

Finally his eyes rose to meet hers. "No."

**Teasers for Part 11: ****There's so much beauty that we take for granted**

Jude was silent and after a moment he glanced up, wondering if she'd somehow silently slipped from the room. She was staring at the wall and as he watched she scrunched up her face and exhaled. "I don't want to say this Tommy. I really don't. But I think you need to get over yourself."

Her words were so surprising he found himself actually smiling as the anger began to swirl in his gut. "Excuse me?"


	11. Chapter 11: that we take for granted

If you haven't noticed, is seriously kicking my butt. I don't know how the files got so messed up a chapter ago but I think it's fixed now.

_

**Chapter 11****  
**_**There's so much beauty that we take for granted…**_

Jessica leaned forward, one hand pressed lightly to her forehead as she tried to hold back a painful grimace. Waves of pain were washing over her body, with nerve endings firing like electric shocks just beneath the surface of her skin.

"Okay," Tommy said.

He'd been plumping up the pillows on their bed, determined to make her as comfortable as possible. It was always strange, returning home after time in the hospital. There, surrounded by illness and clinical smells, she could square with her disease, but at home it still felt unreal, like her life had collided with someone else's and they'd become entangled, their edges spilling over hers.

"How's that?" Tommy asked.

She leaned back, allowing herself to fully relax and sink into the feathery soft cushions. She smiled, "Perfect."

Kara had been watching quietly from the door but as her mother settled in she took a couple of nervous steps inside.

"Hi honey," Jessica held out a hand to her and smiled. "How was school? Did Jude pick you up again?" Despite her best intentions, her eyes drifted to Tommy's face, trying to judge some reaction on his strictly expressionless face.

Kara nodded and climbed up onto the bottom of the bed. She crossed her legs beneath her. "But she didn't take me to McDonalds like last time. She said she thought you guys might get mad if she kept filling me up with junk food." She shrugged, "I told her I wouldn't tell but I guess she has better scruples then that."

"Scruples?" Tommy laughed as he sat back against the bed head beside Jessica.

Kara blinked. "It's my word for the day. Did I use it right?"

Jessica smiled, "I think so, honey. Well, I'm glad the two of you are getting along because I was thinking of asking her if she'd mind picking you up from school on a regular basis."

Tommy glared at her, frowning. "We can't ask her to do that."

"Yes, we can. She's my friend and she wants to help. She offered."

"She was just being polite."

"No, she wasn't. Besides, it will be good for Kara to have another woman in her life right now. Everyone needs a positive adult influence outside of their family."

Kara glanced between her parents. From her mother's firm but sympathetic determination to her father's pale face. Jessica's words had shaken him but Kara couldn't figure out why. It all seemed perfectly reasonable to her.

Jude noticed a change in the G-Major lobby atmosphere immediately. She looked up from the piles of paperwork and contracts for her upcoming concert and met Tommy's eyes instantly. He nodded and waved to his coworkers who offered hushed condolences or just stared stupidly and kept his head down.

"Hey," she reached out a hand and caught his elbow as he passed the sofa she was seated on. He froze. "How are you?"

"I'm fine Jude." His eyes fell to her hand and feeling self conscious, she dropped it quickly.

She tried to think of something else to say but for someone so verbal, words suddenly escaped her. What was there to say? 'I'm sorry your wife's dying?'

"If there's anything I can do."

"Yeah, about that." He rubbed the back of his neck which his hand and continued t avoid her gaze. "I know Jess asked you to help with Kara but you really don't have to. I can handle it."

"You don't want me to."

"I didn't. I don't mean it like that. I just, you don't need to get sucked into all of this."

"I'm in this Tommy. Jessica's my friend."

His eyes met hers briefly then once again darted away.

"Tommy," she breathed, reaching for him again. "It's okay."

"No!" he took a couple of steps back as the word echoed around the room and all eyes turned to him. "It's not." He moved through the crowd quickly and Jude debated for a moment before getting up and following.

Tommy let his office door shut behind him. He closed his eyes and silently repeated the word 'calm' over and over again. He'd only meant to pick up a few things today and then return to Jessica. His time out of the house was meant to be a distraction yet here he was on the verge of some embarrassing emotional breakdown.

Three quick taps sounded on the door and he sighed.

"Yes?"

The door opened and Jude stepped inside, quickly closing it behind her. He fought the urge to sigh once again.

"I'm sorry if I said something wrong," she said.

"It's not you." He spoke the words aloud and in his mind they echoed 'it's absolutely you.'

"If you want or need me to stay away for whatever reason then I will. I don't want to make things any worse for you then they need to be."

Her expression was so sincere and familiar he felt his resolve melting. He opened his mouth to speak and the words began to pour out.

"It's just that whenever I see you it reminds me of all the people I've hurt and all the things I've done wrong. It's enough that Jessica's suffering and there's nothing I can do to help her fix it, and then there's all this guilt piled on top. Guilt for leaving her, for betraying her and then guilt for leading you on and hurting you when I should have known I could never follow through with anything I initiated. It's like there's this chaos of thoughts and memories and regrets in my head whenever I'm around you." He lowered his eyes to the floor, unable to meet hers.

Jude was silent and after a moment he glanced up, wondering if she'd somehow silently slipped from the room. She was staring at the wall and as he watched she scrunched up her face and exhaled. "I don't want to say this Tommy. I really don't. But I think you need to get over yourself."

Her words were so surprising he found himself actually smiling as the anger began to swirl in his gut. "Excuse me?"

"Your guilt isn't helping anyone. It's not changing anything. It doesn't alleviate Jessica's pain and it doesn't make up for what happened between you and me. It's just you suffering, pointlessly. It's just you." She was silent, waiting for him to respond. "I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't have said that. Look, I'm just going to go now. I'm sorry if I badgered you."

She was halfway through the door when he called after her. "You're right. Thank-you."

"She fainted?" Mark's voice was small and tinny, traveling some wire thousands of miles to meet her.

Jude clutched the phone a little tighter to her ear and wrapped the blankets around herself securely as she snuggled into the corner of the sofa. "Well, it was a little more then a faint. She's really sick Mark. Terminally."

There was silence on the other end of the line and then he sighed. "I'm sorry Jude," his voice was truly sad. "She's a genuinely nice woman."

"I feel so selfish," she shook her head, "I mean I'm so mad that I finally have a real girl friend, you know, since Sadie went to NYC, someone I can really talk to and now she's dying." Her voice wobbled precariously. "And then I think about Tommy, and Kara, she's eight years old and she's losing her mother."

"You lost yours when you were seventeen."

"And it was hard enough then."

"How long does she have?"

"A few months. I've offered to help with Kara, picking her up from school and stuff like that."

"Is Quincy still working at G-Majory?" There was something in his tone she couldn't quite place.

"I don't know. He took this week off and I'm not sure if he's coming back or not."

"Don't forget you were going to meet me in Vancouver for a few days next week."

"Oh," she paused. "I had forgotten. I'd offered to take Kara to see that new Disney movie."

"Why don't you bring her?"

"To Vancouver?"

"Sure. I'm sure her parents would appreciate some time with just the two of them."

"I don't know. This time is important for she and Jess."

"Ask them, you never know."

"I'm still not sure about this, Jess." Tommy leaned against the doorframe as he watched Jude's car pull out onto the road and slowly drive away down the street. He could faintly make out Kara's smiling face as she waved from the passenger window. Her image was speckled by the reflection of the leafy trees shading the road playing across the window's reflective surface.

Jessica was sitting on the lower stairs leading to the first floor. Standing for any period of time still made her feel a little queasy though she tried not to let on. She tucked her cardigan a little tighter around her body and tucked her arms around her sides, hugging in the small traces of warmth and the memory of her daughter's farewell embrace.

"It'll be good Tom. We need some time out to regroup and Kara's going to have fun." She tried to smile reassuringly as he turned back to her. "I think we need to seriously think about telling her the truth when she gets back." She watched his face fall and felt her heart reflect the sentiment as the words swirled around her, spoken aloud for the first time. "This will be her last normal experience before it all changes."

He didn't speak as he closed the front door and sat down beside her on the stairs. They stared in silence together at the front door, the stained wood, its grain almost invisible. She exhaled slowly and leaned her head against his shoulder. The silence of the house seemed to hum with invisible energy as the last traces of Jude's car engine faded away.

"Wow, this is big." Kara tilted her head back as she gazed above her at the Vancouver skyline. She gripped Jude's hand a little tighter as the motion tilted her a little off balance. "Wow."

"You've never been to Vancouver before?" Jude asked.

"Nope." Kara shook her head as they sat down on a bench in front of the airport. "We didn't leave Montana very much. A couple of times we went to see a few Doctor's when Mum wasn't feeling very well. She and Dad went to Chicago once but I had to stay with a sitter."

"Oh," Jude glanced away for a moment, pretending to search again for Mark's car arriving to pick them up from the airport. "I came here with your Dad once when I was really young."

"Really?" Kara kicked her feet back and forth in the empty space beneath the bench they were seating on. "What for?"

Jude shrugged. "I think we were promoting one of my albums. It was a really quick trip and at first I thought it was just going to be me and my band and then your Dad surprised us at the airport." She smiled.

"What was Dad like then?"

"Um," she brushed a stray strand of hair away from her face and leaned back against the bench. "He was different from how he is now. He wasn't quite so serious, you know, kind of like a big kid? Immature is the word my sister used to describe him once." She smiled. "But he was smart. It was good he came along on that trip because the guys in my band played a prank on this elderly couple with one of the elevators in our hotel building and they threatened to call the police. Tommy was able to smooth it over and talk them out of it. The lady ended up giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek as they parted ways; he'd charmed her so much."

Kara laughed. "He can still do that."

"Yeah, I'm sure he can." She caught sight of a yellow Lamborghini maneuvering its way through the myriad of taxis and cars collecting people from the airport and rolled her eyes. "That," she pointed the car out to Kara, "is our ride. I bet you ten cents."

Kara grinned. "You're on."

The car continued it's slow pace toward them, the engine roaring in frustration. Five cars away they stood to their feet, shading their eyes from the sun as it began to indicate and pull over to the side of the road.

"Looks like I owe you ten cents," Kara remarked as it slowed to a stop beside them and Mark stepped out.

"How about you help with the bags and we'll call it even?"

In response Kara raced over to Jude's largest bag and attempted to lift it.

"Easy there kiddo," Mark remarked, patting her on the head. "Jude's probably packed the kitchen sink and you might pull something."

As Kara frowned in confusion he turned to Jude. "Hey honey," he slid his arms around her waist, an action so confident and familiar. She leaned in for a moment, closing her eyes as lips grazed the sensitive skin to the left of her eyebrow then pulled back, aware of Kara's eyes on them. Aware of Tommy's daughters eyes on them, like some fragment of her father still watching and judging their relationship.

"Hey," she whispered.

_

**Teasers for Part 12****  
**

"I'm going to get worse, Tommy. It's how this goes."

"But not yet. They gave us longer."

"It was a guess, not a promise."


	12. Chapter 12: Thinking of you

**Chapter 12:**** Thinking of you, what you would do if you were the one…**

The roar of the crowd was exciting and just a little terrifying, Kara decided. From her spot just to the left of the stage she could peer out at the sea of faces, jumping and cheering and waving their hands above their heads. Beneath her feet the ground seemed to vibrate like the warning before a major earthquake. She shrunk back a little and collided with a warm body.

"Hey kiddo, careful there. You don't want to fall off the stage or anything. I tried it recently and believe me, it wasn't fun."

Kara smiled up at Mark as he patted her shoulder and peered out at the audience. She wasn't entirely sure why her father disliked Mark so much. He was nice and even though he was really old, she still thought he was really handsome. Looking out at the sea of girls screaming his name it seemed a lot of other people really liked him. So why not her Dad?

"Are you nervous?" she asked. She had to shout a little to be heard over the crowd.

He shrugged his shoulders a little. "Kind of. Mostly I'm excited. When you're really excited the fear kind of mixes with and amplifies the excitement, you don't feel it so much then, or at least you don't recognize it."

Kara wanted to respond that she understood what he meant and racked her brain for an example. The closest she'd been to a stage was at an end of year performance at her Kindergarten and then it wasn't even a stage, just a space in front of a group of chairs. She decided to remain silent.

Mark's band members ran over and the group huddled in a little group in front of her. Mark chanted a few words, his arms on the shoulders of the two guys on each side of him. They repeated the words which Kara couldn't actually make out then all four of them yelled out 'ROCK!' The other guys filed out on stage, taking the respective spots behind drum sets and keyboards as they waved to the crowd.

Mark turned back to Kara and held up his hand, "High five for luck?" he asked.

Smiling shyly she slapped his hand then folded her arms across her chest as he ran out on stage. She glanced up at movement beside her a moment later and smiled up at Jude.

"The crowd really loves him, huh?" Jude asked. Her eyes were on the girls in the front rows. They were dancing, or at least that's what Kara thought they were trying to do. Their eyes were fixed to Mark, their hands sliding up and down their bodies slowly as they moved their shoulders in time with the music. Jude frowned.

"Yeah," Kara agreed. She glanced from the girls, to Mark grinning and winking at one of them and then back to Jude. She was having fun on her trip with Jude. It was like a different world hanging out with Jude and her husband. She liked the way they treated her, like an adult they could talk to without baby talk her any irritating tone changes. But she still felt she was sorely missing the points and reasons to a lot of things that were happening, no matter how grown up she felt. She couldn't figure out why with all the cheering and the fun music roaring around them that Jude could look so unhappy and uncertain.

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Tommy poured the two banana flavored protein shakes into matching glasses, rinsed the blender glass under the kitchen tap then joined Jessica in the back yard. She was sitting beneath an old apple tree, gently leaning against the course bark as she flicked through a photo album. Numerous other books were stacked beside her and she held a small notebook in one hand and a pen in the other. Her expression alternated between frowning and smiling as she absentmindedly clicked the button on the pen.

"There aren't words to express how much I love that picture," Tommy remarked as he slowly lowered himself to the grass beside her.

Jessica glanced up, her nose scrunching in displeasure, dappled by moving patches of sunlight filtering through the leaves. "It's not funny," she insisted.

He tried unsuccessfully to keep from smiling as he gazed at the picture. Jessica, aged twelve, sat on a bench in front of her school. Her hair was in disheveled pigtails, one holding firm midway up her head while the other hung limply on her shoulder. Her skin was marred by a bout of acne, the sun was in her eyes causing her to squint and just as the picture was taken Jimmy Hendricks, who had successfully snuck up behind her unnoticed had just overturned a bucket of water above her head. The water was captured on film, eternally suspended in air, a split second before drenching Jessica.

"He was such a jerk," Jessica muttered.

"He probably had a crush on you."

She shook her head. "I am never going to get that. You, guys, are such idiots. What other intelligent life form would express affection with cruelty?"

Tommy smiled. "Intelligent life form is a very generous choice of words."

She turned to him, the patterns of light dancing across he features. "Most of you get there eventually." She leaned over; grazing his chin with two fingers she pulled his face to hers for a gentle kiss. "I'm not sure about Jimmy though." She picked up the offending photo with two fingers as if it were a foul object and dropped it into a shoebox beside her.

Tommy lay back on the grass, tucking his arms behind his head. "Remember when we first met?"

Jessica grimaced. "The dare."

Tommy nodded. "The dare."

"You were such a teen movie cliché."

"The handsome, charming lead every girl fell for. I know."

"No, you were more like the lead's best friend. The guy who said all the wrong things, got drunk a lot and eventually got arrested for streaking at a football game."

"Mmmm, let's not tell Kara about that bit."

"No, it's good. When you sit her down to warn her about the harsh reality of teenage boys, and how they're all awful and only want one thing, you can use yourself as an example." An unruly strand of hair fell out from behind her hair, swishing in front of her eyes as she smiled at him sweetly.

Laughing, Tommy rolled over onto his stomach. "We should record it, the story of how we first met, for Kara."

Jessica nodded. "The camcorder is in the house. Do you want to get it?"

Tommy nodded and jumped to his feet. A few moments later he returned with the camcorder. He set it up on a mini tripod and sat down beside Kara. She shifted slightly, leaning into him and placing one hand on his knee. He held up the remote control and pressed the record button. Their faces filled the screen.

"You start." Jessica instructed. "It started with you."

Scratching the back of his neck Tommy looked down. "The story of how we met began when I was fifteen. Jessica was a freshman that year. She was tall for her age and hadn't yet been taken over by the obsession with preening that most of her peers has fallen prey too. Her hair was a crazed mess, her clothes were drab and she generally kept her eyes down between classes. At lunch she studied, after school she went straight home."

At this point Jessica covered her eyes with her hands, her cheeks warming with embarrassment.

"It was good though." Tommy nodded, a smirk playing on his lips. "She was the top of her classes and accelerated in a few courses. She was in my English class, as was my…" he paused, "'friend' Spencer."

"Spencer wasn't a friend." Kara shook her head. "Watch out for that Kara. Choose your friends wisely. It's one of the oldest rules of wisdom in the world. It's in the Bible and everything."

Tommy nodded seriously, a smile playing on his lips. "May I continue?

"You may."

"Spencer thought Jessica was a riot. He'd tease her when the teacher wasn't looking during class. He'd throw things at her, pull her hair, whisper things, you name it. One day I got sick of it and told him to stop. He was amused by this too. He accused me of liking Jessica and I soon became the victim of his ridicule. It was winter and the formal was coming up. Around the time his girlfriend subjected him to watching 'She's all that' he came up with this idea that I should ask Jessica to the formal. He thought it would be hilarious, the two of us showing up together."

"I'd seen the film too." Jessica explained, "and as much as I wanted my own Freddie Prinze Jr. I didn't trust your Dad one bit. We ended up with this running routine of him asking me on a daily basis and me rejecting him. He really took to it too. Each day he'd come up with a new creative and crazy way to ask me. He broke into the office and asked me over the PA system, he spray painted my locker, hired the marching band to spell out a message at a game and each time I'd say no. The day of the formal came and I said no. I told him I didn't trust him and told him he could tell Spencer to, well, get lost." She looked away and Tommy laughed.

"The night of the dance I turned up at your Grandparents," Tommy said. "Thankfully they were out. Jessica was upstairs and studying and didn't notice when I started hanging streamers in her front yard. I had a battery powered stereo that I set to playing a prom song and I even hung a disco ball from the patio roof."

"I eventually heard the music playing and came downstairs. When he asked me to dance I began searching the yard for a hidden camera. Tommy followed me, his hand extended the entire time, waiting for me to take it. If the fact that my neighbors were all peering out their front windows wasn't bad enough, he started singing along with the song, loudly. By the time I'd finished my camera search he'd started to dance around me, as if we were on the dance floor together and I simply didn't know what to do. Eventually I gave in and shuffled my feet a little."

"She was an awful dancer. Simply awf-" Tommy was cut off by a sharp elbow into his ribs.

"The next song was a slow song and as much as I wanted to walk away and leave Tommy and the nosy neighbors, I gave in and gave him my hand. We danced. It was nice until I twisted my ankle on a tree root and Tommy had to carry me back into the house. My parents came home around then and there was a lot of explaining and suspicious looks. Tommy apologized profusely and left. My Dad started cleaning up the streamers and I hobbled upstairs."

She took Tommy's hand in hers. "I filled ten pages in my diary that night, describing every single detail about how wonderful the whole thing was. The next day at school, things were back to normal. No more dance proposals and except for a smile across the classroom in English, we didn't speak again. Your Dad got in some trouble after that and wasn't at school for a year, which he'll tell you about eventually. We didn't start dating until quite some time after all of that but I never forgot that night."

A moment of silence passed during which Tommy turned off the camcorder. Jessica's head was resting on his shoulder and he ran a hand through his hair. "You're still there, at that night, aren't you?"

She nodded slightly and he felt a tear soak through the thin fabric of his shirt. "Life was so much easier back then. Remember how big the world seemed, how much possibility lay ahead of us?"

"I never felt like that," he admitted. "It's why I didn't speak to you that next day at school. You were so sweet but so nervous. I knew you weren't the kind of person who trusted easily and I didn't want to win your trust just to hurt you. I knew I wasn't going anywhere and I didn't want to drag anyone along with me. It wasn't until Darius discovered me and the early days of Boyz Attack when my confidence got ahead of me and the future started to seem infinite. You'd gotten gorgeous and I'd never forgotten you. I thought it was the perfect time to pursue you, to win you. I was such a catch, I was sure of it. I deserved you then, but I didn't."

"Intelligent beings." Jessica repeated, "You got there eventually. That's all the matters."

He turned his head, ducking his face to find hers and their lips met in a sweet, lingering kiss.

[center]-=|=-[/center]

"How's her mother?" Mark asked.

He and Jude were sitting at the table of his Hotel suite, matching goblets of red wine sitting in front of them. Jude picked up hers and twirled her wrist, watching as the red liquid climbed the sides of the glass as if yearning for escape then gradually surrendered to gravity and settled in the bottom.

"I think she's okay. I haven't spent much time with her since she went into the hospital last week. We spoke on the phone a few times. She sounded tired but optimistic."

"She has such an amazing attitude, considering," Mark remarked. "I'd be seriously sulking if I were her."

Jude smiled.

"No cheeky responses please."

"I wouldn't dream of it."

He raised his glass to his lips and downed the last of the wine.

"So that was a good show tonight." Jude was surprised at her need to resort to small talk topics. It hadn't been that long since she and Mark had last seen each other but it felt as if there was a wall between them.

"I thought so." He flashed her a roguish grin. The twinkle in his eye implied jesting but the grin held just enough arrogance to imply some truth. She both loved and hated that about him.

He stood up, his eyes on her and she felt herself blush as his hands found hers and slowly pulled her to her feet. He was humming one of his songs softly as his hand slid to the small of her back and the other cradled hers. She found herself laughing as he guided her around the kitchen, occasionally spinning her out then pulling her back into his embrace.

"You're a dork."

"And you're beautiful," he whispered into the curve of her neck, his lips gently graced her sensitive skin. She sighed as his lips rose to meet hers. She was lost in the moment in the sensation of his lips against hers until she noticed he was guiding them toward the hall.

"No," she murmured, breaking away from him as a name ran through her mind. "Kara," she whispered, though that wasn't the name that had floated through her mind. "We can't, she's just next door."

"She's sleeping. She's fine. Her parents do it all the time."

Jude's eyebrow rose. She felt a little weird at the thought of that and it certainly ended any trace of 'the mood' that may have been present. She pulled away from Mark easily.

"I wouldn't be comfortable."

Mark sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "You came all this way and we're not-"

"Is that why I came all this way?" she asked. Eyebrows raised accusingly. "Is that why you wanted me to visit?"

"No! Well… yeah, that's a part of it."

Jude shook her head and looked away, Mark opened his mouth to speak but a small voice interrupted.

"Jude?"

At the end of the hall Jude could make out a small silhouette hugging the doorframe.

"What is it honey?"

"I'm okay. I just, I really miss my Mom."

"Oh sweetie." Jude was aware of Mark turning and striding back to the kitchen as she walked over to Kara. "We'll be home again before you know it."

Kara nodded bravely but Jude could have sworn she could see reflections in her eyes of her own childhood. The way a space could seem too big and empty when you were alone, the night so quiet you felt you could be the only person on the planet, or that echoing in hour head, the dull pumping of fear through your head.

"Would you like me to stay with you for awhile?"

Kara nodded, "please."

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Tommy could feel the enveloping embrace of sleep wrapping around him. Just as he was about to succumb to the oblivion, a small movement in the bed beside him caught his attention. Jessica exhaled slowly not a sigh but more of a gasp and shifted beside him. He reached out, his hand searching out hers beneath the cover.

"I'm okay," she answered his silent question.

He rolled onto his side to face her and in the dim light, saw her do the same. "Maybe we should call the Doctor in the morning."

"I'm going to get worse, Tommy. It's how this goes."

"But not yet. They gave us longer."

"It was a guess, not a promise."

"Maybe they should start increasing your transfusions. They don't seem to be working as well as before."

She shook her head slightly. "I feel so weird after those. It's like I'm less me, my body isn't even my own when I have someone else's blood running through my veins."

"Jessica," he smiled teasingly, "you are not your blood."

She rolled her eyes and tried to smile but it wobbled, shattered, than collapsed. Tears pooled in her eyes as she gasped out, "good. Because it's poison."

**Teasers for Part 13**

She lifted her gaze to his and he noticed the way her eyes seemed to never quite focus.

"You're drunk."

"I've become a singing monkey." He breathed, his voice shaking ever so slightly.


	13. Chapter 13: You picked up the pieces

This one is for . ;)

**Chapter 13:**** You picked up the pieces and put me back together again**

Tommy returned from a rather mammoth grocery expedition to a house vibrating with 80's pop music. The front door swung open invitingly.

He stepped inside and lowered the bags he was carrying to the floor. "Jess?"

"Tommy!" Her voice rang down from upstairs. "You're back."

She appeared at the top of the stairs, her dark hair loose and wild around her shoulders. She was wearing one of his shirts, butting in two places and hanging loose from one shoulder and a pair of jeans. She stopped when she was him and leaned against the wall.

"Hey." She drummed her fingers against the surface softly and blinked, her eyes remaining shut for a second or two too long.

"Are you okay?"

"Mmmm." She exhaled, long and slow.

"I'm just having an issue with the stairs."

Tommy closed the front door behind him. "What issue?"

"How to get down them." She shrugged and pushed away from the wall, twirling slowly as she did so. Her turn slowed and she began to fall, or so it seemed, until she was sitting on the floor. She swung her feet over the first step and began lowering herself down, one at a time, like a child sliding down stairs on it's bottom.

"What are you doing?" He laughed.

"Overcoming the stairs." She stopped and leaned back, her hair sweeping against the stairs behind her. "So I have a confession to make."

"Uh-huh."

"You know that bottle of wine we've had sitting around basically forever?"

"I guess."

"I kinda drank it."

"The whole thing?"

"Yeah."

She lifted her gaze to his and he noticed the way her eyes seemed to never quite focus.

"You're drunk."

"It's just, I never really did it before and I was curious."

He began climbing the stairs to meet her. "Didn't you see me drunk enough when we were young to kill all curiosity?"

"Yeah, and you were always loud, wild, pouty and…" she wrinkled her nose, "pukey."

He laughed and extended his arms to her. "So you wanted to try it, being pukey?"

"No," she slapped his hand away and stood on her own. She wrapped her arms around his neck as he scooped her up and carried her to the bottom of the stairs. "Not the pukey part, just the wild and an inhibitionless part."

They reached the bottom of the stairs. "Down please," she instructed.

He obediently complied.

"I saved some for you." She motioned for him to follow her to the kitchen. She was watching him over her shoulder and when she turned to look where she was going she instantly walked into a wall. "Oh." She giggled. "Yup, that's a wall there. Be careful of that one. It's tricky."

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"Well, this trip wasn't the biggest success." Mark remarked. He was reclining on a park bench, his arms casually resting on the backrest. Jude sat at the other end, with him but not really. She was leaned forward, Her chin propped up on her hand, her shoulders slumped. Before them Jessica was running across a field to a playground. She was all for being a big girl, the grown up hanging out with two rock stars but the moment that brightly colored monstrosity came into view there was pleading for the car to stop. Pleading that was given into far too easily.

"Not the smallest either," Jude suggested, a small smile playing on her lips.

Mark dropped his arms and leaned forward, matching her posture. "I'm sorry."

Jude closed her eyes and shook her head slightly. "You're always sorry these days."

"And you're always mad."

She opened her eyes, lifting her face to the bright sunshine fighting it's way through the clouds above them. "I'm not mad, Mark. I'm just frustrated."

"Well, I do recall suggesting a way to fix that."

"Don't." She stood up, anger beginning to lace her words. "Don't do that. Don't flirt. Don't bury the problem. Especially not under something that happens to be a big freaking part of the problem!"

Now swinging happily, Kara suddenly glanced their way. Jude cringed and lowered her voice to a hiss. "This isn't the time or place."

"Neither is a phone, Jude. You don't want me to bury the problem but that's all we do. You said we were okay, that we were moving forward but we're not. I'm doing what I said I'd do. I'm staying out of trouble but there's still this wall between us. It's like we're strangers."

"Maybe we are."

He stood up, shifting to stand in front of her. He took his hands in hers and leaned down to be closer. "You know that's not true. We never were and we're not going to become that, not if we stop it now."

"Fine." Jude nodded. "I'll come visit again in a few weeks. Without Kara here we'll be able to talk, work on things some more."

He smiled. "How long for?"

She shrugged. "Not long. I promised to help with Kara after school and I don't want to leave for long."

His face clouded slightly. "You promised to help Tommy."

"I promised to help Jessica." Her voice was strained, impatient.

"Who's married to Tom Quincy."

"Mark!"

"I don't like him Jude, he rubs me the wrong way."

"Well, that's your problem. I'm not going to give up my friends just because you have a problem with them." A wobble entered her voice and tears glistened in her eyes. "It's not like I'm going to have her for much longer anyway."

"I'm sorry." He tilted her chin up so their eyes met. "I'm sorry. I was being selfish. I was being far too… me." He sighed the last word.

Though there was no desire to and the action was mechanical, Jude leaned into him, wrapping her arms around his waist. She rested her head against his chest, listening to the steady drum of his heartbeat. "Things will get better." She insisted. "They have to."

A moment later Kara called to them from the swings. She waved her arms wildly.

"I think she's got a crush on you." Jude remarked as she sat down on the park bench.

"Mark! Come push me." Kara pleaded, her small voice drifting to them on the wind.

"That's too bad," Mark remarked with a smile. "I'm taken." He stroked Jude's head, his hand ran the length of her hair and paused to tug on the tip playfully before he turned and ran to meet Kara.

"Yes," Jude agreed softly as she leaned back against the bench. "You are."

[center]-=|=-[/center]

"Hi sweetie!" Jessica braced her arm around Tommy's waist, leaning against him for support as Kara leapt out of Jude's car and bounded over to them. Jessica knelt down slowly and wrapped her arms around their daughter in the tightest hug she could manage. "How was your trip?"

"So much fun!" Kara said, her eyes wide. "But I missed you."

"I missed you too, honey."

Kara turned to Tommy. "I got you a present."

"You did?" He ruffled her hair affectionately. "What is it?"

"It's a surprise. Jude helped me pick it out."

Jude was standing at the trunk of her car, struggling to pull out an oversized suitcase.

"Go help her." Jessica instructed.

Angry at himself for having to be told, Tommy hurried across the lawn. "Let me guess, you packed the kitchen sink?"

Jude rolled her eyes. "You're not the first person to say that this trip." She gave another tug and the suitcase came loose and fell to the ground with a crash.

"Miss independent," he scolded as he reached her, "I was going to help."

"It's my fault. I shouldn't have put Kara's suitcase in first." She pointed to the small, bright pink suitcase in the most distant corner of the trunk. "There it is. It's hard to miss. All the other suitcases on the luggage line were black. I had a hard time figuring out which one was mine, but Kara…" She smiled.

"How was your trip?" He asked.

"Good." She didn't meet his questioning gaze, holding the trunk lid up as he pulled out Kara's suitcase then hefted hers back into place. "Mark's show was great. A sell out."

"I saw you had good weather."

"Yeah," she laughed at the small talk topic, "we had good weather." She fell into step beside him as they walked up the front path.

"Come on! Come on!" Kara instructed, "I want to give out the presents." She ran inside, waving at them to follow.

"Someone's a little excited." Jessica extended her arms to hug Jude. "Hi Jude."

Inside, Kara took her suitcase from Tommy and dropped it onto the ground. She tugged the zipper open and the lid exploded, bright clothing spilling everywhere. Kara began digging around inside.

"Honey, what did I tell you about folding your clothes?" Jessica asked, holding up a crumpled white shirt.

"That I should do it," Kara answered. "Here it is!" She held up a brown paper bag. "Sorry I couldn't wrap it." She handed it to Tommy.

Tommy accepted the bag and lifted the tape sealing it shut. He glanced inside and smiled. He pulled out a bright green monkey stuffed toy. "Wow, thanks honey."

"You haven't seen the best part!" Kara squealed. "It sings. Look." She snatched the monkey from his hands and squeezed its stomach. A tinny recording of The Backstreet Boys' 'I want it that way' played. "Not that one." Kara muttered. She squeezed again. An Nsync song began and an impatient Kara squeezed a third time. Tommy cringed as 'Pick up the Pieces' began to play.

"Oh no," he murmured.

"I thought you'd like it." Jude remarked. She shared a smile with Jessica.

"I've become a singing monkey." He breathed, his voice shaking ever so slightly.

"Isn't it great?" Kara asked, her eyes wide.

"Yeah," Tommy agreed. "It's great honey."

"I got you something too," Kara told Jessica. "But it's not as neat." She handed her a matching brown paper bag.

Jessica opened the parcel and pulled out a white teddy bear. It held a red satin heart with the text 'I love you!' printed across it.

Jessica smiled. "It's perfect. Thanks sweetie." Her voice also shook as she spoke, but for an entirely different reason.

[center]-=|=-[/center]

"Thanks so much for taking her, "Jessica said. It was an hour or so later and Jude was preparing to leave. Kara had fallen asleep on the sofa, leaning up against Tommy. He'd left a few minutes earlier to carry her up to her bed. "She obviously had a great time."

"I enjoyed the company," Jude answered honestly. "How was your weekend?"

"It was good. We spent some time captioning old photos and recording videos for Kara to watch later, after I'm gone."

Jude didn't know how to answer that but Tommy returned at that moment, saving her from a response.

"Well I should go. I'm glad you had a good couple of days. If you need me to watch Kara again I'd be happy to."

"Tommy can you walk her out?" Jessica asked.

Tommy seemed surprised by the request but he moved to the door. "Sure."

"Call me sometime; we need to have a proper girlie catch up." Jessica smiled, her eyes implying it was more than a casual request.

"I will." Jude hugged her again then joined Tommy outside.

He said, "Thanks again for the weekend."

A small breeze had picked up and Jude had to hold her hair back from her face. "It was nothing," she insisted. "I really did enjoy her company."

"She can be a handful. I was worried Mark might be unhappy that she came."

"He was fine with it," Jude lied. "He really likes Kara and I think she might even have a little crush on him."

Tommy shook his head. "Wow, I really don't get that."

"Thanks." Jude frowned.

"I'm sorry."

"It's fine. Look, is it okay if I pick Kara up from school again this week?"

"I don't want you to." He grimaced. "I still feel strange pulling you into our lives like this but Jessica and Kara both love you and if you want to be involved then I can't stop you. I can barely fend off one strong willed woman, not three. But this does worry me Jude. I don't know why but it does."

"I'll try not to be offended by that." She forced a smile, tried to hide the irritation. "Look, I don't think things are ever going to feel normal between you and me again but I don't want to keep dwelling on that. This is where and what we are now and I'm kind of in love with your family, as strange as that might be. Let's just try to make the most of all this."

She opened her car door and stepped inside.

"Okay," Tommy nodded. "Good-bye Jude."

He closed her door and Jude started the car.

"Good-bye," she echoed softly

**Teasers for Chapter 14:**** If you want more love, why don't you say so?**

"I was giving you a blanket you ungrateful buffoon."

Tommy's eyebrows rose and he let out a chuckle. "Buffoon?"

"I've never asked for this," Mark insisted. "I never looked for an opportunity to cheat. They sought me out, not the other way around."


	14. Chapter 14: Why don't you say so?

**Chapter 14:**** If you want more love, why don't you say so?**

Jude turned off the lights in studio B and turned away from the room. As she walked she attempted to jam a bundle of music sheets into her shoulder purse. The papers crumpled and tore but refused to fit into the already full purse. Sighing, Jude sat down on a nearby sofa and emptied the contents of her purse onto it. Quickly sorting, she crumpled up old receipts and compartmentalized items. She noticed an unfamiliar sheet of paper and took it out. Hastily scribbled on airline stationary was a child's picture of a house and a front yard. The image was cliché, expected for someone of Kara's age but there a few small differences. Rather than colored walls and lawn, Kara had written tiny song lyrics, using the words to color the surfaces. In the top corner was the simple message 'For Dad'.

Jude deposited the music sheets into her bag, tossed the trash into a waste paper basket and crossed the room to Tommy's darkened office. She stumbled into the darkness, groping for a light switch. Around the same moment her fumbling fingers located the cool plastic switch, she was nearly startled out of her skin by a loud groan and the sound of someone moving in the darkness.

Every horror film her sister had ever forced her to watch flashed before her eyes as she spun around.

Tommy was asleep on the couch, his knees bent uncomfortably to force his frame to fit on the small surface. His leather jacket served as a pillow and he appeared so pathetic, Jude couldn't keep her heart from softening.

She tiptoed to a corner cupboard where she knew he kept a knee rug. She'd teased him about its presence enough when she was younger. She threw it over his shoulders and was turning to leave when his hand shot out to grab her wrist as he sat up suddenly. They let out simultaneous yells before each realized the situation.

"Damn it Tommy," she grumbled, "don't do that."

"Don't sneak up on me then." His voice was thick with sleep.

"I was giving you a blanket you ungrateful buffoon."

His eyebrows rose and he let out a chuckle. "Buffoon?"

"If the shoe fits." She folded her arms across her chest. "I'm tired. I'm going home which is where you should be."

"Jessica was asleep. I wanted to get some work done now so I would be there when she woke up. I was just going to take a little nap."

She leaned against the edge of the desk. "You should ask Darius for some time off."

"Jessica doesn't want me to. Not yet." He glanced around him. "What are you doing in my office anyway?"

"Oh, Kara drew you a picture on the plane the other day. I'd forgotten I had it in my purse and wanted to leave it for you."

"Right. Thanks."

She made a move to the leave but he spoke up, interrupting her. "You settling back in after your trip?"

She nodded.

"How's Mark?"

She glared at him suspiciously from the corner of her eyes. "He's good. It was nice seeing him again."

Truth was Jude had spent a decent hour on the phone with Jessica earlier that day. It had started out a casual call between friends, recounting amusing stories from her trip but somewhere along the way she'd ended up spilling all her fears and concerns for her marriage. Jessica had listened, offered some advice but mostly been the sympathetic voice on the other end of the wire that Jude had needed. It was surprising how easy it was to talk to Jessica and how much it now hurt to talk to Tommy.

"So he's being good?"

"For goodness sake Tommy, can't we have one amicable conversation?"

"It was just a question."

"I'm going home." She brushed past him but he caught her wrist again, his touch warm and familiar against her skin.

"I'm here if you need me. You know that don't you?"

Their eyes locked for a silent moment. She then pulled away and left.

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Mark mopped his forehead with a towel as he ducked through the backstage crowds. The roar of the crowd demanding a second encore vibrated through the stage floors but he had no intention of complying. He was tired. Tired and frustrated.

He swung open the door of his dressing room, surveyed its content and slammed it shut again. He turned, pressed to the door and sighed. A roadie ran past, a cell phone pressed to his ear and Mark snapped his fingers, flagging his attention.

"Jason?" he barked, "What is this?"

Jason feigned ignorance, his expression perplexed. A glimmer of a smirk marred the affect. "What's what?"

"The girl in my dressing room. I told you I wanted it to stop."

"Yeah, you've told me that a lot, but you never kick them out."

"No?" Mark felt his blood beginning to boil. He opened the dressing room door, averted his eyes from the semi naked girl inside and barked. "Get out now!"

"But-" she began.

"I'll call security."

She swore under her breath. There was a rustling as she gathered up her clothes. A moment later she brushed past him and disappeared into the backstage bustle.

"No more Jason."

Jason nodded and walked away.

Mark heard clapping. His band mate Adam walked over, slowly slapping his hands together. "Quite impressive." He remarked.

Ignoring him, Mark entered his dressing room. Adam followed.

"I've never asked for this," Mark insisted. "I never looked for an opportunity to cheat. They sought me out, not the other way around."

"I know."

"So stop with the judgy look."

"How long has it been?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"A month? Two?"

"Not one on this tour."

"Yeah? Adam tilted his head, searching his eyes.

"Yeah."

"You're not going to last."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"You're my best friend. I have complete confidence in you in everything but this. You're trying your hardest because you love Jude and you know she's not the kind of girl who's going to look the other way. But I don't think you've changed and I don't think you really want to."

"So what are you saying?"

"I'm saying if you love her, and I know you do, you need to stop hurting her. If you give in again, you need to end things. Admit defeat and walk away."

Mark shook his head. His fingers contracted into fists and he fought the urge to strike out at his friend. "Get out."

[center]-=|=-[center]

"Can we go to McDonald's today?" Kara asked the moment she joined Jude in her car.

Smiling, Jude checked her rare vision mirror and pulled away from the curb. Driving near school's always made her nervous. "Sorry kiddo. Your Dad asked me to drop you off at the hospital in twenty minutes."

"Twenty minutes is enough for the drive through." Kara pointed out.

Jude smiled. "I guess so. But I wanted to stop by the record store. If I recall there was a certain album you had your eyes on."

Kara's eyes widened. "Is that why we're going?"

Jude shook her head. "No, I wanted to pick up the new album from one of my favorite bands, but I do believe there's a discount on a second CD deal this week so maybe I could be convinced…"

Kara threw her hands together, leaned back against the door and gave Jude her most pleading look. "Please, please, pretty, pretty please."

Jude laughed.

A few moments later they pulled up in front of the CD and bookshop that had been one of Jude's favorite stores since she was younger then Kara. The automatic doors slid open and Kara ran ahead. Almost instantly she'd located the display for the Disney Channel's latest young starlet's album. She held it up to Jude who nodded.

"See if you can find me Kissing Jane's new CD," Jude instructed as her eyes fell on a magazine rack and her husband's face on the cover of the latest tabloid.

Jessica scampered away happily and Jude fought the urge to look at the tabloid. She'd long ago discovered magazines were only a source of frustration, not fact. Of the hundred or so stories printed about her and her husband in the first year of their marriage, only two had proven to be true.

She tapped her foot against the floor and absentmindedly flipped through a sales rack but her eyes constantly turned to the rack. She could make out the headline from here. "My night with Mark", it read, "my backstage story." The cover was a publicity photo from a few years ago. It showed Mark standing in front of a dressing room mirror, pulling off a jacket.

"I found it!" Jude turned to see Kara running toward her with a CD.

"Thanks honey." Jude took the two CDs from Kara and started for the counter. On a last minute impulse she passed by the magazine rack and picked up the tabloid.

"Hey, that's Mark!" Kara said excitedly, catching a glimpse of the cover.

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Jude watched Tommy intently scribble in his notebook. He was seated in a row of chairs across the hospital hall from her. Above them, a fluorescent light was constantly flickering and driving her crazy but he hadn't noticed it, as far as she could tell. Kara was inside the hospital room with her mother who was receiving a blood transfusion. Jude had planned to drop her off and leave but Jessica had asked her to stay.

"What are you writing?" she asked as she shifted in the uncomfortable plastic chair.

"Doctor's notes, some questions," Tommy answered.

"Oh."

She propped her chin up on the back of her chair and gazed through the glass wall behind her, to the children's waiting area. A young toddler was running after a round red and white striped ball, screams of joy spilling from his mouth. She turned back to Tommy. "You need to take a break."

He glanced up, an air of impending dismissal around him and stopped. "And do what?"

"Remember the scribble game we used to play when we got writers block?" She stood up and crossed over to the seat beside him.

"Um, let's see. I'd scribble a shape or a pattern and you had to turn it into something real?"

She nodded. "Let's do that."

"Okay." She got the feeling he was just indulging her but still he flipped to a new sheet of paper and quickly drew two connecting strokes on each side, then handed it to her.

"Hmmm," she tapped the pen against her chin and gazed at the page. "Let's see."

Confidently she drew two matching lines on the other side of the page, then between them a slanted line. "No, too creepy." She changed it to a circle. A sideways triangle between them soon became a nose, followed by a sloping grinning mouth on the right of the face. "Wow," she remarked. "Her lips look like slugs. I seriously can't draw."

"Add some teeth," Tommy suggested.

She obeyed, adding six downward lines. "Oh, that's better."

He leaned closer to get a better look and their heads bumped together slightly. "Now what?"

"She needs something else. Oh, I know." Smiling, she drew two quick sunflowers on each cheek.

"Tattoos?" He asked.

"No," she turned to him and rolled her eyes. "They're roses; I can't draw the real thing. You know, rosy cheeks?"

"Oh," A strand of hair had fallen loose from her ponytail and he was struck by the sudden desire to reach out and touch it. He coughed. "Why is one smaller than the other?"

She sighed. "Because I'm not perfect."

She hunched over the page and began to draw a border for the face, clipping it beneath the wide eyes. "Well that doesn't look right."

"It needs ears."

"It?" She asked in mock outrage.

Half circles were added beneath the cheekbones.

"Those just look like 80's earrings."

"It's starting to look like a transvestite," Tommy observed.

Jude's eyes widened and she slapped his arm with the notebook. "That's mean!" She tried to fight it but she began to giggle. "…to transvestites!"

Tommy joined her laughter. The moment was comfortable, easy, so he reached out and brushed the strand of hair behind her ear, his knuckles unintentionally brushing her cheek as he did.

She froze.

Silence.

"Uh, so, uh, do you want a turn?" She asked a moment later.

He nodded. "Scribble me a puzzle."

Jude sat back in her seat with the notebook. Flipping to a new page she twisted the notepad sideways, then right way up, held her pen to its surface then stopped. Tommy smiled. Jude had always taken great pleasure in creating the most complicated puzzles.

He leaned forward in his chair, bracing his elbows on his knees. Jude shifted in her seat too, crossing one leg over the other, knocking her purse over as she did so. She didn't seem to notice so Tommy leaned forward to scoop up its contents and put it back for her. The first thing he noticed was the magazine. She'd rolled it up but as it fell loose from her bag it unfurled, it's bright red headline leaping out, only emphasized by the seat of white that made up the hospital floor.

He had picked up the magazine and was a few paragraphs into the article when Jude looked up and noticed.

"What are you doing?" she asked, her voice tired.

"You were taking so long I thought I'd entertain myself with some light reading."

"Something tells me that isn't light." She reached across him, trying to snatch the magazine from his hand.

He extended his arm away and out of her reach. "Since when do you read tabloid trash?"

"I don't. I don't know why I brought it. "

"Sure you do. You were worried this would be one of the moments it was true."

"How often was the tabloid trash true when it was you?" Jude asked. Her eyes were icy. The question was an attempt to deflect, and an attempt to hurt all rolled into one.

He didn't hesitate. "Almost always."

Her attempt to deflect the attention from her only caused personal pain. He could see that. He instantly regretted his words and the added concern he'd caused her. He lowered his arm and offered Jude the magazine. She shook her head.

"It's probably nothing," he offered, hating himself for inadvertently defending Mark. "The girl doesn't offer much information. She's probably just looking for attention and money." He smiled and motioned to the picture of the girl who'd shared her story. "Look, she's not half as pretty as you."

Jude sighed. "That doesn't tend to matter, but thanks."

He glanced at her then at the magazine again. Quickly standing, he crossed to a trash can on the other side of the room and dumped it inside. He turned back to see Jude smiling. "So how's that puzzle coming along?"

**Teaser for Chapter 15:**** "I hear in my mind, all of these voices. I hear in my mind, all of these words. I hear in my mind, all of this music... and it breaks my heart."**

"How do you feel about my husband Jude?"

Jude froze. "I'm sorry?"

"Are you letting yourself feel?" She asked.

His shoulders tensed. His gaze remained focused on the fire in front of him. The flames danced across his face, their warmth and vibrancy a sharp contrast to dull grey that had settled over him. "Don't play Oprah, Jude."


	15. Chapter 15: All of this music

Sorry. I've had this written for a while but kept forgetting to post it. The next chapter's the hardest one of I've written for this story and probably the reason I kept putting it on hold (so I wouldn't have to write it.)

**Chapter 15:**** "I hear in my mind, all of these voices. I hear in my mind, all of these words. I hear in my mind, all of this music... and it breaks my heart."**

Jude entered Jessica's hospital room with the sense of trepidation that always invaded her bones in hospitals. The hallway hadn't been so bad but the moment she stepped into a confined space full of hospital equipment and beeping machines, the claustrophobia started to set in.

"I'm so sorry I asked you to wait." Jessica was propped up on the bed, not quite sitting, just reclining gently. Her arms were still at her side, her eyes tired.

"That's okay."

"Did Tommy keep you company?"

"Eventually. When he managed to tear himself away from his notes for the Doctor."

Jessica rolled her eyes slowly. "He brought the notebook. He's obsessed with that thing. I think there's a part of him that really believes he could somehow find a cure. That the more he learns, the more chance he has to think of something no one else has before."

"It's a nice aspiration."

"He's exhausted. I worry about him." She gazed at Jude, standing with her hands grasped nervously in front of her and motioned to a chair. "Please sit down."

Jude obeyed. "Tommy's pretty tough. I don't think he'd want you to be worrying about anyone but yourself right now."

"That's a very astute observation," she laughed slightly, "you know him so well."

Jude looked down at her hands.

"But you see," Jessica paused for a moment, inhaling slowly. Her eyes closed in a pained winced then were forced open. "I'm a futile problem. I'd much rather worry about the things I can change; the things that matter to me; my daughter and my husband."

Jude waited. Her eyes drifted to the door, counted the five or steps it would take to carry her out of this room, away from this conversation she was pretty sure she didn't want to have. Away from here she could pretend life was simple, not so tragic.

"How do you feel about my husband Jude?"

She froze. "I'm sorry?"

"You don't need to look like some small woodland creature about to be run down by a bulldozer. I'm not accusing you of anything."

"I'm not sure what you want me to say."

"Do you love him?" Jessica's voice had gotten very small. As hard as it was for Jude to meet her eyes, she could tell Jessica was struggling to keep up her searching stare.

"I used to."

"And now?"

"Now I just want to love my husband, live my life and be happy."

"That's not working out so well is it?" Jessica patted the blanket that covered her abdomen. She looked away from Jude as she smoothed out the wrinkles. "How do you feel now?" She asked again.

"I don't know." Jude sighed and pressed her hands to her face. She exhaled slowly, pressing her fingertips firmly against her forehead. She let them fall. "I don't think you can love someone based solely on who they were. You have to love them for who they are now. I don't know Tommy anymore. I don't know how I feel about him."

"Honestly?"

Jude shrugged. "I think that's honest, yes. Mostly. Jess, I don't why you're asking me this."

"I'm not always going to be here. As much as the future always scared me, the thing I want most right now is a crystal ball that could show me the future I'm going to miss. I feel like I'm holding my breath, every moment of every day and if I could just see it, figure it out, then maybe I could just… breathe."

Jude smiled sadly. "I feel like that too sometimes. Only I fear the future I'm going to be here to see. I really hate myself for that since I met you."

Jessica shook her head. "Don't. I want you to be happy too, Jude. I wish everything good for you." She pushed upward, slowly rising up until she was sitting, her shoulders slumping slightly. She reached out her hand to Jude who paused then took it.

"Let's leave it at that okay? Neither of us has a magic ball. We don't know what tomorrow holds other than that I'm not going to be here and you are. You're going to have to live the best life you can, for both of us. Live the live you deserve, be happy and don't regret a single thing. Think of me, but when you do I want you to smile. No remorse. No guilt. Okay?"

Jude felt as if she needed a tape recorder and to spend the next three hours rewinding and replaying those few sentences. Only after constant repetition could she find the message hidden between the lines; all the things that would never be said.

She smiled, even as the tears stung her eyes. "Okay."

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Jess sat on the pink window seat in the corner of Kara's room, watching as her daughter expertly clicked through a maze of windows on her computer screen, traveling from twitter to youtube, to a computer game, never settling on anything for long. Impatient, just like Jessica at her age.

They'd been home from the hospital for a couple of days and it had meant a lot to Jessica. Tommy had stayed home from work though she knew he got up while she was sleeping and worked in his office. They'd even kept Kara home from school. The three of them had hid away from the world, playing board games, watching old movies and generally enjoying each other's company. It was ending though, Jessica could feel her strength ebbing, the tides changing.

"Are you missing your friends?" Jessica asked.

Kara shrugged. "A bit. They hardly ever write anymore and they're always too busy to Skype. I kind of feel like they've forgotten about me."

"It's hard maintaining friendships, especially at your age, especially when someone moves away."

Kara shrugged. She fiddled with the mouse, pulling it out to straighten kinks in the cord. "I don't get it," she said.

"Get what?"

"How you can love someone one moment and then not care about them the next."

"You think your friends don't love you?"

"No, it's not them. It's just in general you know. How Tiffany's parents got divorced but when they got married they promised they'd love each other forever. Then Tiffany's Dad married someone else and now he's supposed to love her and not care at all about Tiffany's Mom. I don't get that."

"Come sit with me." Jessica tapped the spot next to her on the window seat.

Kara turned and eyed the spot, her eyes fell to the floor and her shoulders slumped. She stood up and joined her mother.

"You know love isn't just a feeling, right? People always talk about love like it's something that's engulfed them and taken over their body. It can be like that but a lot of the time love is an action, it's a decision. It's something you have to work on. It can change, it can evolve."

"You and Dad aren't going to change your minds about loving each other are you?"

Jessica smiled and shook her head. "We had our time when we decided we didn't love each other, that we didn't want to but we figured out that love means a lot of things including putting another person before yourself. I'm always going to love your father and I know he'll always love me, even if our lives change."

Kara nodded and Jessica saw her physically relax, just as she felt herself tense, felt the familiar queasiness in her stomach, the feeling of lightheadedness that had haunted her the last year. As Kara gazed out her bedroom window, watching a bird fly across the evening sky Jessica squared her shoulders and reached for her daughter's hand.

"Kara, there's some things we need to talk about."

"What things?"

"It's about how I've been sick…"

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Jude awoke to the sound of rain crashing angrily against her bedroom roof, a tree branch scraping against the wall like an angry whisper and the insistent pounding of someone knocking on her front door. She threw back the covers and glanced at her bedside clock. It was 11:30. She'd gone to sleep early after watching a DVD and trying unsuccessfully to call Mark before his show. She threw on a robe and raced downstairs.

Tommy stood on her doorstep, rain sparkling in his hair and soaking into his clothes. He held Kara in his arms, her body blanketing his like a shield. Kara shook softly and over the roar of the storm Jude could faintly make out soft sobs.

"I'm sorry." Tommy said.

Without speaking, Jude stepped back, pulling the door with her. Tommy stepped inside and she motioned to the next room. Warm embers still smoldered in the open fire and Jude set about relighting it as Tommy sat down on the sofa, stroking Kara's back.

"Jessica's in the hospital," Tommy explained in a hollow voice. "She had a bad spell and the Doctor's wanted us to bring her in."

The scrunched newspaper began to burn, fire leaping forth and wrapping around the kindling and logs Jude had quickly piled on top. She turned away from the fire and sat down in an armchair beside the sofa.

Hearing the movement, Kara lifted her head from her father's shoulder and turned to Jude. "My mommy's dying," she whispered, her voice trembling uncontrollably.

"Oh honey," Jude dropped to her knees beside them. She leaned forward, her mind not knowing what to do but her body following some instinct led by her heart. Her arms wrapped around Kara's small frame, her warm cheek was pressed against Kara's icy one. "I'm so sorry."

"Did you know?" Kara asked. Her tone wasn't accusing or angry. She'd learnt something huge, something earth shattering and was starting to realize the sea of people who surrounded her were all trying to protect her and kept things from her.

"Yes, I knew."

Jude glanced at Tommy, her eyes questioning.

"We told her this morning," he said softly.

"I wanted to come see you." Kara said. She leaned back slightly; one hand stroked the soft fabric of Jude's robe. "I woke you up. I'm sorry."

"It's okay." Jude shook her head and smiled. "You can some see me whenever you like."

"Can she stay with you tonight?" Tommy asked. "I was hoping to go back to the hospital."

"No!" Kara shrieked. "Don't leave me. If you're going to Mom I want to go with you."

"Kara, it's late. You need to sleep. Mom's sleeping right now. You wouldn't be able to talk to her and she doesn't want you spending any more time at the hospital then you need to." He tried to smile, tried to joke. "You know how much trouble I'd get in if I disobeyed her."

Kara shook her head. "Please don't go."

Jude spoke up. "I have a spare room. There's a king size bed. You can both stay here." As Tommy opened his mouth to argue she shook her head. "No. You've been outvoted." She kissed the top of Kara's head and felt the small girl's arms wrap tightly around her waist. "Two stubborn women remember?"

[center]-=|=-[/center]

"Kara's asleep." Jude reported as she walked back into the lounge. Tommy was sitting in front of the fireplace, a towel wrapped around his shoulders. "Are you dry yet?"

He nodded. "Yeah, I feel a lot better." He sighed. "I'm sorry about before."

Jude leaned against the doorframe. "I wish you'd stop apologizing to me."

"I wish I'd stop needing to," he responded ruefully.

"I found a pair of Mark's pajamas that will probably fit you. I left them in your room. It's the second on the left. Kara changed into one of my T-Shirts before she went to bed and I've put her clothes in the drier. There are spare towels in the on suite."

"Thank-you."

"Would you like something to drink?"

He smiled, "do you have vodka?"

"No," she laughed. "But I have hot chocolate."

"That'll do."

Jude returned a few moments later with two steaming mugs. Tommy had settled on the sofa. She passed him a mug then curled up on the armchair, her legs tucked up beneath her. They sipped their drinks in silence for a few moments.

"So Kara knows everything?" Jude eventually asked.

He nodded. "We probably took too long telling her. I couldn't bring myself to do it and Jessica was insistent we give Kara as much peaceful ignorance as possible. I think a part of her wanted to never tell her."

"How are you doing?"

"I'm getting by."

Jude gazed at him. She took in the familiar determined set of his jaw and the distracted eyes. Sometimes you could look at another person and see a mirror reflection of yourself. Like her, Tommy was burying his problems, or at least the aspects he didn't feel strong enough to deal with right now.

"Are you letting yourself feel?" She asked.

His shoulders tensed. His gaze remained focused on the fire in front of him. The flames danced across his face, their warmth and vibrancy a sharp contrast to dull grey that had settled over him. "Don't play Oprah, Jude."

Jude was silent for a moment. She gazed down at her drink, watched the surface of the liquid swaying in time with her breathing. "Are you letting yourself feel, Tommy?" she repeated.

His gaze shifted to her briefly. His eyes were angry. He leaned forward and placed his mug down on the coffee table. "I'm going to bed."

Jude leaned forward, spilling some of her drink on her leg as she did so. The hot liquid burned her skin but she ignored the pain as she reached out to grab Tommy's arm. With as much strength as she had, she held firm, pulling him back as he tried to stand. "Don't play robot."

"There'll be time for emotions later." He spoke in a rush, an angry, impatient rush. "There's be a whole lifetime without her and I can't waste my time now."

"There's time for emotions now, Tommy. There's time for tears, time for yelling, whatever you want to do."

He shook his head. "There's not."

"There is." She shifted in her seat, turned to face him and waited for him to look at her. "There is. You've got to deal with how you feel about this, not just survive it. I'm worried you're going to regret it if you don't."

He shook his head but didn't answer. His shoulders and head fell forward. She wondered if he was crying, if he ever would.

"Tommy?" she whispered.

He didn't respond.

She gazed at the flames, leaping merrily about the fireplace. If only these flames could melt and thaw the wall Tommy had built around his heart. Or the wall life and circumstances had put between them. How were you supposed to be there for someone who didn't want you to be? To someone whose body language constantly screamed his distrust of her. Or was it his distrust of himself?

"I'm here for you Tommy," she said softly as she leaned forward to place her mug on the coffee table beside his. As she stood up she touched the top of his head briefly, a small gesture that felt so limited. "But I know you don't want that right now. So I'm going to be here for your somewhere else." She smiled slightly at the absurdity of her words. "I hope the idea of that helps somehow." She sighed. "Good-night."

She was halfway up the stairs when she heard the softest of replies. "Thank-you."

**Teasers for Part 16****  
**_**Anything other then yes is no. Anything other then staying is going. Anything less than I love you is lying. **_

"Hello?" Kara asked, clutching the phone to her ear. She smiled. "Hello Mark! It's Kara." She twisted the phone cord around her finger. "She can't come right now. She's in the shower."

"I slept over," Kara was explaining. "My Daddy's here too."

Tommy cringed. "Can I talk to him?"

-

"Will you promise me something?"

"Anything."

She shifted so she could see his face. "Don't regret it?"

-

"Mark!" Jude's surprised eyes traveled from his face, to the bottle of champagne in his hand then over his shoulder to the candle lit table.

"Surprise!" He smiled and pulled her in for a kiss.


	16. Chapter 16: Anything less than I luv you

I seriously suck.

I actually wrote this chapter around the time I posted the last chapter but it was incredibly hard. There were a few tears blurring the computer screen. And then I didn't want to publish it because doing so made it all official and sealed. And then I had a death in the family as I was working on the next chapter which didn't help and I haven't written since. I'm so close to finishing this story and I really need to get back to it so I'm going to try. I hope there's still a few of you out there and reading it. Sorry for letting you down.

_

**Chapter 16****  
**_**"Anything other then yes is no. Anything other then staying is going. Anything less than I love you is lying..." **_

"Jude has a neat house," Kara declared at breakfast the next morning. She'd insisted on sitting on a stool by the side bench as Tommy made her an omelet. Her legs dangled beneath her, randomly kicking against the chair legs or the table in front of her. She drummed her fingers against the countertop and hummed a song under her breath. "Did she live here when you used to know her?"

Tommy shook her head. "She lived with her parents then."

"So she was just a kid when you knew her?"

Tommy smiled. "She was very young."

As Tommy dropped a piece of bread into the toaster, he glanced over at her. Kara was acting perfectly normal. It was almost as if she'd forgotten the news she'd received the morning before.

"Is Jude still in the shower?" He asked.

Kara nodded.

"Can you go call through the door and ask her if she'd like an omelet?"

Nodding, Kara jumped down from her stool. Her feet hit the ground with a loud smack and Tommy winced. Kara had just reached the stairs when the phone began to ring. Her head spun around, spotting it on a side table at the bottom of the stairs. She raced toward it.

"Kara! Don't answer-"

"Hello?" Kara asked, clutching the phone to her ear. She smiled. "Hello Mark! It's Kara." She twisted the phone cord around her finger. "She can't come right now. She's in the shower."

Tommy moved the fry pan of the omelet and slowly walked over to Kara. He tucked his thumbs into his pocket and paused in front of her.

"I slept over," Kara was explaining. "My Daddy's here too."

Tommy cringed. "Can I talk to him?"

"Daddy wants to talk to you. Okay, cool. Talk to you later." She handed the phone to Tommy who shook his head and pointed to the stairs. Bouncing up the stairs, Kara continued on her original mission.

"Sorry about that," Tommy said into the phone. "I thought Kara knew better then to answer other people's phones."

There was silence on the other end of the line. Tommy could practically see Mark right now, probably in a hotel room or on a busy tour bus, his knuckles turning white as they clutched the phone too tightly. Tommy could remember the uneasy feeling of displacement. How a phone could be your only connection to home and how inadequate it always felt.

"You slept at my house?" Mark asked.

"Kara was upset. She'd just found out how sick Jessica really is. She wanted to see Jude and she didn't want me to leave. It was late at night. Jude let us stay in the guest room."

Mark was silent again. Tommy waited. His patience was waning. As much as he didn't want to make problems for Jude, he didn't feel any need to alleviate Mark's concerns about Jude. Mark had left her with enough of her own.

"Where is my wife now?"

"I think she's in the shower. I'm not sure. I haven't seen her yet." An evil smile crept on to Tommy's face. "If you want to hold on a moment I could take the phone into her."

"No!" Mark snapped. "That's fine. Get her to call me. After you leave." He growled the last three words.

"Sure."

Tommy pulled the phone away from his ear. Mark had already hung up. He set the phone down and turned at the sound of footsteps on the stairs. Jude and Kara were walking down the stairs together, hand in hand. Jude's wet hair hung loose on her shoulders. She wore a pair of jeans and a T-shirt, her feet were bare.

"Good morning." She said.

Tommy nodded. "Kara answered the phone, sorry. She shouldn't have done that." He shot Kara a glare and her face fell. "It was Mark. He'd like you to ring later."

A look of panic flashed across Jude's face and Tommy felt his anger toward Mark rise to a boil.

"Would you like an omelet?"

She nodded. "I'd love one."

Kara was missing another day of school. Right now her classmates were clustered around lunch tables, trading peanut butter sandwiches for Tuna, discussing the latest episode of their favorite cartoon or the new music video from their favorite band. Kara was sitting by the window of Jessica's hospital room, gazing out to the gray midday sky.

Jessica met Tommy's eyes across the room. In them she read all the concerns in the world. All the weight she was leaving him with. How could she ever leave him? The idea was so awful and unfathomable.

"Kara?" Jessica called. "Come up here with me baby." She slowly patted the spot beside her, the movements slow and pained.

Kara glanced over at Tommy who nodded his encouragement, then slowly climbed up on the bed.

"You know how I often tell you stories about my friend Mindy and our adventures?" Jessica asked.

Kara nodded. She set her head down on the pillow next to her mother and Jessica raised a hand to stroke her hair. Kara's hand sought out Jessica's other hand and they rested, intertwined on Jessica's stomach.

"She was my best friend when I was ten-years-old, not much older then you. Most of my other friend's I'd known my entire life but Mindy had just moved to town six months earlier. Her Dad was in the military and they moved all the time. I thought that was so neat. Mindy and I talked on the phone every night and she spent ages telling me about all the cool places she'd gone and the things she'd done. We told each other all our secrets and stood up for each other when the other kids would bully us at school. I loved her so much."

Jessica lowered her head down onto the pillow beside Kara. Their dark curly hair, the exact same tone, blended together. A waterfall of shining alabaster.

"Her family were going away for a few weeks over summer vacation and we were heartbroken. We hadn't spent so long apart since she moved to town and we didn't know how we'd survive it. I went over to her house the morning they left to say good-bye. We hugged, we cried and then I waved good-bye until their car was a tiny speck on the horizon. I walked home really quietly, sobbing quietly to myself. A fire truck drove past with it's sirens screaming and I hardly noticed. Usually fire truck's made were really exciting. Mindy and I would always run after them, hoping to see a house fire. Anyway, I got home about a half hour later. My mother was waiting for me outside and she had this really serious expression, like she did when my Grandma died. I was instantly worried. She took me inside and explained to me that Mindy and her family had been in a car crash on their way out of town."

Kara's head shot up from the pillow. She stared at Jessica, eyes wide. "Was she okay?"

Jessica shook her head sadly. "A drunk driver hit their car at an intersection. He hit the car on Mindy's side and she was killed on impact."

"I'm so sorry." Kara whispered.

"It's okay. It was a long time ago." She reached forward and stroked Kara's cheek with her thumb. "I wanted to tell you about it though. Losing Mindy was the saddest thing that happened to me when I was growing up. It took me a long time to get over it, to make new friends, to laugh again. I think why I wanted to tell you about her is because that losing someone is really, really hard but in a way, you never truly lose them. After you were born, when I was in the hospital resting, I had a dream that Mindy came to see me. Out of the blue I sometimes remember a joke she told me or the way she smiled and I feel happy. It's like she's this invisible friend that I always carry with me. I knew her so well, how she thought, that sometimes my mind automatically knows what she'd say and I hear her voice in my head when I'm watching a movie or wondering what to do when I have a problem."

"I know what you're trying to say." Kara's voice was quiet and sad.

"You always were so smart."

Jessica's eyes met Tommy's across the room. He was leaning forward in his chair, his expression hollow.

"You're trying to tell me that even though you'll be dead, that you'll still be with me but you won't!" Her voice broke and Jessica felt a warm tear fall on her shoulder. "Not really. Not the way I want you to be."

"You know how much I love you." It was a statement. Not a question.

Kara nodded.

"How does that make you feel?"

"I don't know what you mean."

"How do you feel when you think about how much your Dad and I love you?"

"I don't know." Kara shrugged her shoulders and burrowed her face into Jessica's shoulder. "Happy, I guess. Kind of warm inside."

"It's kind of like a big hug isn't it?"

"I guess so."

"Whenever you'd sad or you miss me. I want you to think about how much I love you. Think about how sometimes I'd hug you so tight you'd complain that I was breaking your ribs. Focus on that warm feeling and that will be me hugging you, because I will always love you, even when I'm gone, when I'm with Jesus and the angels. I'll always be somewhere else loving you and you just need to focus on that when it's hard and it hurts and you want me to be there for real. I will be with you Kara. You'll know."

"Look at you," Jessica whispered. "All the weight of the world on your shoulders."

Kara was asleep on a sofa at the foot of Jessica's bed. Tommy was perched on the edge of a hard plastic hospital chair beside her bed. He sat with his shoulders hunched forward, his gaze on her but somehow looking through, looking beyond her. His eyes rose to meet hers as she spoke.

"I love you."

He exhaled. "I love you too."

"Come up here with me."

She inched back to the distant edge of the bed as best as she could, the movements slow and painful. After a moment's hesitation Tommy sat down on the edge of the bed, swung his legs up then slowly leaned back until he was lying beside her. She wrapped an arm around his waist and leaned her head against his chest.

"Ah, this brings back memories," she sighed as he wrapped his arms around her.

"Good ones?"

She smiled. "The best. I only remember the good things now. There simply isn't time for the rest."

"I don't know what I'm going to do Jess." He whispered, his voice hoarse as if he'd been speaking for hours, as if the desperate internal screams that had been plaguing him for weeks had in fact been out loud.

"You're going to live. You're going to be happy." She tapped her fingers against his chest, playing out the simple chords of a song they loved. "I know you can't see it but I can."

He kissed the top of her head and she felt the wetness of tears seeping through her hair.

"Will you promise me something?"

"Anything."

She shifted so she could see his face. "Don't regret it?"

"Regret what?" His voice was almost inaudible.

"The decisions you're going to make. The things you're going to do. You don't owe me anything more. I just want you to be happy."

"Jess…" his voice was pleading.

"You can't betray me Tommy. We're ending. Everything will be new. It will all be okay."

Jessica arrived home well after dark. She'd spent the entire day doing a photo shoot for her new album. She suspected the shoot had run over time due to her distracted state which doubtlessly would show in her expression in the images. She was constantly darting to her dressing room to check her cell phone for messages or to call the hospital and check on Jessica. She'd sent flowers, promised to visit when she was free but now it was late and she didn't want to disturb Jessica's rest.

Exhausted, she reached into her purse and fished around for her keys, glad for the automatic light that burst into life as she stood on the doorstep. She lifted her gaze to the door as she heard a sound inside. The door swung open.

"Mark!" Jude's surprised eyes traveled from his face, to the bottle of champagne in his hand then over his shoulder to the candle lit table.

"Surprise!" He smiled and pulled her in for a kiss.

"I don't understand," she gasped as she pulled back. "How?"

"We had a spare half day after arriving for the festival gig. We go on stage at midday tomorrow. I did the math and realized I could fly home, spend a few hours here with you then fly back during the night. I'd get just in time for the show."

Jude laughed. "You're crazy."

"Yeah, for you." He wrapped his arms around her tightly and pulled her in for another kiss.

Tommy felt his heart drop as the monitor beside Jessica's bed began to beep slowly. He didn't need to call for help. Almost instantly a doctor was in the room. He read the machine than turned to Tommy and Jessica who'd woken from her light sleep to meet his telling gaze.

Tommy paused on Jude's doorstep. He was shaking, every inch of his body from his fingertips to his jaw and he didn't know how to stop. He smoothed his hands over the front of his jacket and caught a glimpse of his watch. It pulled him back to reality, to this awful moment. He knocked.

Mark answered, his hair ruffled, his eyes sparkling with alcohol and that ever present air of confidence around him.

"Um, is Jude home?"

Jude appeared in the doorway behind Mark. "Is everything okay?"

"I…" the words were too big, too impossible. He felt him choking him. "We don't have much time. The Doctor's, they…" He paused, swallowed hard, felt his vision blur for a moment. "I need you."

Kara sat on the end of Jessica's bed, her legs crossed beneath her. As a nurse bustled into the room and checked the various machines her mother was hooked up to she leaned back, pulling her knees up to her chin. She was cold. She was scared.

Jessica's eyes fluttered open. For a moment they rested on Kara and her lips rose in a weak smile. "Where's your Dad?"

"He said he was going to get Jude."

"Good. That's good." Her eyes closed and Kara frowned.

Outside the world was dark. Stars twinkled in the sky and a large moon seemed to wink down on her. The nurse had dimmed the lights and it seemed the icy silver of the moon was the strongest influence in the room. Kara turned back to her mother. She was asleep.

Jude grabbed her purse and jacket form the sofa they'd been haphazardly tossed on a half hour before. Mark was leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed over his chest. Tommy was waiting in the car.

"Is there anything I can do?" Mark asked

She could see he was torn. Torn between his frustrations at their interrupted evening, his anger at the man who'd just stolen his wife away and the compassion no person could be incapable of feeling at such a time.

"I'm not sure there's anything anyone can do."

"Shouldn't this be a time for family?"

"Sometimes a family needs to be bigger than three people."

"What about two?"

"He's waiting Mark. There's no time. I have to go. I'm sorry."

Mark nodded and stepped aside so she could pass. "No, we don't have much time."

"I'm sorry about our evening."

He just nodded, nodded and watched her run out into the inky darkness and to Tommy's waiting form.

Jude clasped Jessica's hand in hers. She was drifting in out of consciousness, her skin pale. Tommy had taken Kara to the bathroom. He and Jude hadn't spoken since they left her house. She'd waited in the hall as he'd checked on Jessica and when he looked to her as she and Kara stepped into the hall, she knew to stay with Jess.

"Thank-you for being my friend," Jude whispered now. She caressed the back of Jessica's hand with her thumb and watched as tears fell onto the sheet. "Thank-you for giving me so much more then I deserved."

Mark sat at the dinner table, a nearly empty glass of champagne loosely grasped in one hand and the now empty bottle in the other. Before him the dinner he'd prepared was cold, the pasta drying and starting to resemble its original form.

There was a knock on the door, a slow, lazy series of taps, with lengthy pauses between them. Mark stared into his glass, watching as bubbles fought their way to the surface. Hadn't he always been like that? The one to rise to the top whatever it took.

It was a girl. A blonde. At the door. She was vaguely familiar.

"Remember me?" she asked, tilting her head to the side.

Kara paused in the doorway, her eyes red and her hair unevenly flattened on one side of her head. She clutched the door frame, blinking rapidly. Behind her Jude could hear the drone of hospital equipment, and Jessica's loud raspy breathing that was growing more and more irregular.

"Oh honey." Jude reached out her arms and Kara raced into them. She clutched the fabric of Jude's jacket with a sob.

"I'm a horrible daughter."

"No you're not."

"I can't stand seeing her like this. I ran away."

"It's okay. She understands. You just sit her for a moment and get some air. Then you can go back. If you want to."

"I'm not doing it wrong?"

Jude stroked her hair. "There is no wrong way to let go Kara."

"It's a name that begins with an L?" Mark asked, tapping her chin thoughtfully.

Smiling, the girl shook her head.

"An M?"

She took a step forward and reached up to smooth his hair. "It's Heather," she whispered.

He exhaled. "How could I forget?"

"I love you." Tommy whispered, clutching Jessica's hand in his. He brought her fingers to his lips, kissed each one in quick succession and tried unsuccessfully to hold back the tears that spilled onto them.

Jessica stopped breathing. Tommy felt his heart literally skipped a beat. Unconsciously he stopped breathing too. It was as if his entire world hinged on that breath. Eventually it came. Jessica inhaled; the breath loud and painful, choking.

"I'll never forget you."

Jessica's stopped breathing. Tommy waited. But this time there was no second breath.

**Teasers for Part 17****  
**_**Sing it out, sing it out. Take what is left of me and make it a melody **_

His chest jerked, the silent cries made the back of his throat ache as if he were choking. Jude's hand rested on his shoulder and suddenly she was sitting beside him. The darkness helped. She was there but not really and it made all the difference. He allowed her to wrap her arms around his shoulder, to softly pull him toward her. And then the cries came, muffled by her shoulder, soothed by her palm stroking his back.


	17. Chapter 17: Sing it out

This chapter's pretty short. The next will be better. It has a scene I wrote last year and have been itching to share.

**Chapter 17****  
**_**Sing it out, sing it out. Take what is left of me and make it a melody **_

Tommy was two blocks from his house when he realized he needed to drop Jude home first. She was now seated in the backseat, Kara nestled up against her. It was four in the morning and Kara was in that strange state of consciousness where words and motion didn't register, despite her eyes being open. His first instinct had been to get her home and in bed. She'd spent an hour crying following the news of Jessica's death and had only just calmed down during the car trip. But he couldn't leave Kara home alone. He was a solo father now, after all. He slowed the car to turn and drive back.

"What are you doing?" Jude asked softly, keeping her voice as quiet as possible to not startle Kara.

"Dropping you home."

"Don't worry about it. I'll get a taxi from your place."

"You don't have to do that."

"I want to stay with Kara until she's safely in bed. Please?"

He glanced in the rearview mirror, observed the way Kara's hand was intertwined with Jude's, the way Jude had opened her large trench coat to tuck Kara inside. He didn't feel confident he could be everything Kara needed right now. He wasn't sure anyone could. But he certainly wasn't brave enough to do it alone. He sped up again and navigated the final blocks to his house on auto pilot.

Kara was asleep by the time they pulled up in front of the large two story building. Jude remained seated as Tommy came around to the opposite car door and leaned in to pick Kara up. He glanced at Jude, their faces close in the confined spaced. She smiled sadly, her eyes still red for tears. Somehow the eye contact, the human connection stung. Tommy averted his eyes and concentrated on lifting his daughter and removing her from the car without hitting her head. Jude locked the car and ran ahead to unlock the house.

Kara was so much heavier then he remembered. He had the memories of her as a baby, of course, a tiny little person who weighed virtually nothing but somehow seemed to place the weight of the world on his shoulders. He remembered holding her close, watching her hands clutch the fabric of his shirt as her heart shaped lips gasped open in a tiny yawn. And then there'd been nothing, the years he'd run, the years he was gone and then the little girl who seemed to have grown every time he looked at her. Now she was so grown up and so small and vulnerable all at once. He could relate to that old fear that had driven him from his family, what would that man-child father think of him now, embarking into the world of parenthood on his own? It just goes to show you never know how bad things can get, what fear really is.

Kara woke as they climbed the stairs. Her eyes met his, large and unblinking and somehow her hand found its way to his chest. He felt it rest there, palms sprayed out, warmth seeking through to the spot where his heart was. Her fingers fisted, clutching the fabric as she had as a child.

Jude had turned on Kara's nightlight. The rotating lightshade cast star and heart shaped shadows on the walls and curtains as he carefully lowered Kara onto the bed. As her head hit the pillow her eyes closed, her body relaxed but not her fist. He carefully pried the fingers loose and stood up.

Jude stood in the doorway, uncertain of her place. He saw her wring her fingers, her gaze float around the room that Jessica had spent so many hours decorating so few months ago. Without a word he brushed past her. In the hallways he leaned his head against the wall to the left of Kara's door. He heard soft voices inside.

"Jude?"

"Yes honey."

"I liked staying at your house last night."

"I'm glad." He heard the floorboards creak as she moved closer.

"You could stay here tonight if you liked."

"Thank-you but I think I need to go home. I'll come see you soon though, okay?"

He heard the sound of a kiss, the rustle of blankets as Jude pulled them up to Kara's chin and then the floorboards squeaked again as she walked to the door. He felt the sudden urge to turn and walk away, to escape to his room and avoid her. Only it was his room and Jessica's and the thought of going there without her was suffocating, overwhelming and suffocating. He felt his legs give out and he sank to the floor.

Jude's shadow fell across him as stars danced across the opposite wall. He was grateful as Jude closed Kara's door softly, even if left them in the dark. He could feel the sobs welling up inside him and desperately tried to hold them back. His chest jerked, the silent cries made the back of his throat ache as if he were choking. Jude's hand rested on his shoulder and suddenly she was sitting beside him. The darkness helped. She was there but not really and it made all the difference. He allowed her to wrap her arms around his shoulder, to softly pull him toward her. And then the cries came, muffled by her shoulder, soothed by her palm stroking his back.

He felt five years old. He felt he was swimming in an ever expanding darkness. He felt cold. He felt empty. He felt so very alone.

Jude arrived home to a dark house as she'd expected. Mark had cleared away their dinner and left a note on the kitchen bench with a single red rose. He said he was sorry he had to leave at such a time and for her to please call and let him know how Jessica was. It was signed with x's and o's, empty kisses and hugs when all she wanted was the real thing.

She let the letter fall to the ground as she lowered her head to the cold countertop. Her fingers clutched the edge of the surface as her knees buckled. She didn't register picking up the phone and dialing the airport. She didn't register meeting the taxi, boarding her flight or the sight of the new day bursting to life through the cabin window. The orange light washed over her as she leaned her head back against the headrest and finally closed her eyes.

Jude braced herself as she approached the backstage dressing room at Mark's show. She didn't have the energy for his band, for the girls, for the life that came with life on the road.

She covered her mouth with her hand, stifling the urge to cough as she stepped into the smoky dressing room. Though it had been hard to gauge through the smoke at first glance, she could now see the room was anything but empty. As her eyes adjusted to the dim lighting, she made out the forms of scantily clad girls draped over sofa backs and chairs or happily perched on the laps of her husband's band mates.

John glanced up from the girl he'd been whispering to and caught sight of her glaring at him. "Well look at that, what a treat, Judy's here!"

"Don't call me that," Jude snapped through gritted teeth. "Where is my husband?"

His eyes glinted cruelly and for a moment her heart sank. Then he laughed and shrugged his shoulders dramatically. "Probably a hundred miles from our little den of iniquity here. Dude's just plain too good for us these days."

Adam spoke up and Jude noticed him for the first time, sitting in the corner with a guitar on his knee. "He's in his trailer, come on, I'll take you."

Despite the reassuring words of his band mate, Jude knocked on the door of Mark's bus terrified tonight would be the night his faithful streak had worn off. When he opened the door, decked out in flannel pajamas with sleep blurring his eyes she was so overwhelmed with relief that she launched herself into his surprised arms.

"Jude?" he asked, not entirely sure the girl he'd got little more that a glance at was actually his wife. "What are you doing here?"

"I needed to see you," tears were stinging at the edge of her eyes, when she finally pulled back. "Jessica died."

**Two Month's Earlier**

Mark messed with his hair nervously as he watched Jessica slowly tour the arena stage. He figured she must have seen this world when Tommy was famous but she seemed to be seeing it with new eyes.

He hadn't believed his ears and subsequently his eyes when one of the stage hands informed him of Jessica Dutoir's visit to the arena. He'd snuck a glance from backstage, watched as she paced nervously and checked her watch. She was alone, that much he was grateful for but he couldn't imagine why she would have slipped away from her family and taken such a long trip for him.

"It must be exciting," she remarked now, glancing over her shoulder at him, "standing on this stage with the eyes of thousands glued to you."

He nodded, unsure of her words and his answer. "It is. It can be overwhelming too."

Her brows drew together almost imperceptibly. "Really? I have a hard time imagining you ever being overcome, by something like that anyway. The energy, the adoration, the girls, isn't that exactly what guys like you thrive on?" She smiled softly. He wanted to call it taunting or cruel but it wasn't. Somehow it was impossible to interpret cruelty from Jessica.

"I'm not really sure why you're here. It's a nice surprise and all but I'm confused…"

She looked down, exhaling softly. "Jude's my friend, Mark, I consider her a true friend and I want to know that she's okay, that she's going to be okay. She's convinced you've turned over a new leaf, but I'm not."

"Let me guess, your suspicions came secondhand from your husband?"

His words seemed to hurt her and she visibly recoiled. He regretted speaking as she turned to the empty seats of the arena and slowly sank down to sit at the edge of the stage.

"Are you okay?" he asked, rushing to her side.

She nodded. "See? That. You're not a bad guy Mark. I can see that. I don't think you ever wanted or meant to hurt her, I just don't think you're that strong."

He sighed angrily. "I've been on tour for three weeks and I haven't done anything I shouldn't have."

"How hard was that?"

"Hard. It's always hard."

"How long until you slip up again? You've chosen this career for life and it's always going to be hard. The temptations never go away."

"What do you want from me?"

"I want you to be honest with yourself, and with Jude."

_

**Teasers for Part 18****  
**_**"When I caught myself I had to stop myself from saying something that, I should have never thought..." **_

"Mark will be waiting." Tommy repeated.

"Stop saying that."

"It's the truth. You have someone waiting for you. I don't. But we're in the same boat, you know that? We're both more alone then we care to admit."

"I don't want to discuss this with you right now." She tried to shake his arms loose, to turn and shift away from him but his grip stayed firm.

-

Jude felt her heart drop as an icy chill filled her veins. "Is this a new confession?"

He shook his head. "No. I mean in general."

She shook her head. "No you don't. Mark, what happened?"


	18. Chapter 18: I had to stop myself

Lots happens in this one and I'd really like to hear your thoughts on it all...

_

**Chapter 18****  
**_**"When I caught myself I had to stop myself from saying something that, I should have never thought..." **_

Toronto didn't feel quite right as Jude and Mark's plane landed. In the car on the way home, Jude leaned back in her seat and gazed at the passing buildings. It was strange, the way emotions could taint a scene. How a place could feel warm and familiar in one light and empty, dangerous and lonely in another.

She and Mark hadn't really spoken since the night before. Mostly she'd cried and he'd tried to comfort her. When her tears had dried she eventually succumbed to a fitful sleep on Mark's dressing room sofa while he made calls and arranged for his next few shows to be put on hold so he could return home with Jude. The fans wouldn't be happy. Jude hated the fans.

Back at the house Jude contemplated calling Sadie but couldn't face words. Strange how she was terrified to be alone but unwilling or unable to communicate.

Mark made them dinner while Jude dozed in their giant bed, dull late afternoon light seeping through the window.

She and Mark ate their meal in bed, while watching some inane sitcom with irritating canned laughter.

When Kara called just before her bedtime, Jude clutched the phone tightly and tried to be upbeat for her. She tried to be sympathetic, helpful, to find the answer that would somehow make it all better. When Kara started to cry she felt the tears rolling down her own cheeks while she struggled to keep her own pain silent.

A strange thing happened as Tommy stood in front of his bedroom mirror preparing for Jessica's funeral. He wrapped the tie around his neck, feeling as always that it was more of a noose. And then, for a moment he wasn't alone. Jessica stepped up beside him and took the tie from his fingers. Expertly she twisted and tugged the knot into place. Her hands drifted to his shoulders, slid down his arms and squeezed his hands. Then she was gone.

He opened his eyes, gazed at his reflection in the mirror, fingers still grasping the newly tied knot, took a deep breath then left the room.

Tommy felt the oldest he ever had as he sat in the front row of the church and gazed at the shiny white coffin. Kara was calm and quiet as she sat beside him, her small hand grasping his tightly. Strange how much his world and family had changed in so few years.

Surrounded by a sea of familiar faces; his family, Jessica's, their childhood friends and acquaintances from back home, that he should feel so alone.

He had to pry his hand free of Kara's to go up and speak when the Pastor called him and it was only when she left her seat and ran to Jude that he noticed her.

Their eyes met for a moment and for the first time in a long time, there was nothing: no spark, no remorse, no feeling. He looked away.

Mark stayed close to Jude throughout Jessica's wake. She wasn't sure if it was a fact she appreciated or resented. The same confused question always seemed to be associated with Mark these days.

As she sat at Tommy and Jessica's dining room table she felt as if an immeasurable amount of time separated her from that night they'd had their dinner party.

Mark sat across from her, tapping his fingers against the tabletop in a soft and familiar rythmn. His cellphone rang and he fished it out of his pocket so quickly he almost dropped it. He smiled at her ruefully and she felt, or more remembered the way her heart would leap when such a smile was directed at her.

"Hello?" he nodded to himself. "Yeah, just a moment." To Jude he said "It's something from People wanting a couple of statements about the tour and the new album.

"You can head home if you like. This probably won't last much longer. I might start clearing away some of the plates and things then head home myself."

"You sure?"

She nodded.

"Okay." He crossed round to kiss her on the cheek and said to the reporter. "Look, let me call you back in ten okay?"

She sat at the table a moment or two longer, her gaze drifting outside to where Kara sat beneath a tree with a classmate from school. Several kids were running around with a soccer ball but Kara sat still and quiet, her young friend clutching her hand in both of hers.

Sighing, Jude stood and began clearing plates from the table. Already the crowds were thinning. Tommy now stood by the back door accepting handshakes, hugs and pats on the back as people left. Their eyes met as she passed and they shared a sad smile.

Jude walked down the stairs slowly, each foot moving down a step tentatively, as if the floor wouldn't be there to meet her and she'd simply fall forever. When she reached the end of the staircase, she paused, one hand circling the banister. She could hear Tommy moving around in the next room, his footsteps urgent and pacing. A part of her wanted to take the five steps to the front door and run out into the blanketing night. This moment was too big, too painful. She was choking.

With great effort she urged her feet to move. One step. Two steps. Three. She reached the doorway and watched as he straightened a couple of books on the shelf, shifted a vase, straightened a couch cushion. He noticed her out of the corner of his eyes and straightened, his gaze lifting to her.

"Kara's asleep." She said.

He nodded. "Thanks."

"Would you like me to leave?" She pointed to the door absentmindedly but the motion was pointless, already his eyes had left her. He sunk down onto the sofa cushions, his gaze falling to his hands. He didn't answer. "Tommy?"

"She's really gone," he whispered.

She lifted a hand to her forehead then lowered it, her index and middle finger pressing against her eyelids, willing back to the tears, the pain. She exhaled slowly and stepped into the room. Somehow, unconsciously she began to mirror his previous actions, straightening items, just reaching out and touching inanimate objects as if they could offer strength, or some sort of advice. Finally she paused in front of him.

His hands clutched one another, the nails digging into the flesh, the knuckles turning white as he squeezed harder and harder. She saw the shocking crimson of blood and dropped to her knees in front of him, her hands covering his. "Don't," she whispered, pulling at his hands as they refused to budge. "Please."

Suddenly he released the tensed muscles in his hands and arms, they slackened and his shoulders dropped. Air escaped his lungs, a slow, moaning sound. He didn't inhale.

Jude was scared. Truly scared. It was like seeing your parents cry, that shocking feeling that the rocks in your lives were still human and vulnerable, only this was a hundred times worse. She'd never seen Tommy like this. Never felt so alone, while with him.

"Is there anything I can do?" she asked. She'd raised one hand to his shoulder and was caressing it softly. "I don't know what to do, Tommy."

"I don't know either." He swallowed deeply, as if he was attempting to swallow the pain. He lifted his head and squared his shoulders. His eyes cleared a little and finally met hers. "You'll be wanting to get home."

"I can stay if you need me too."

"Mark will be waiting."

"Mark understands."

He nodded, gritting his teeth. He stood up suddenly and she lost her balance for a moment as she leaned back to avoid him crashing into her. She braced herself with one hand against the cold floor and rose to her feet too. They were standing far too close for comfort and she took a step back. The room seemed to spin.

"This isn't how it was supposed to be. None of it." He said.

"No," she agreed.

She turned away, figuring she probably should leave. Tommy wasn't really with her, in this room. He seemed a thousand miles away, not even completely aware of her presence. She picked up her jacket from the armchair and swung it over her shoulders, pulled her hair from beneath it and let it fall loose on her back. When she turned around Tommy was watching her, his expression unreadable.

"Will you call me if you need anything?" she asked.

"What kind of need, Jude?" Strange. She realized she hadn't heard him say her name in a long time. It was so familiar coming from his lips and in that moment, that felt wrong.

"I don't know." She didn't want to consider the question.

He took a step toward her and she took one back. The back of her leg collided with the chair and she wobbled slightly. He continued to move toward her then stopped. He placed his hands on her upper arms as if to stabilize her. She felt an uncomfortable fluttering in her stomach.

"Mark will be waiting." Tommy repeated.

"Stop saying that."

"It's the truth. You have someone waiting for you. I don't. But we're in the same boat, you know that? We're both more alone then we care to admit."

"I don't want to discuss this with you right now." She tried to shake his arms loose, to turn and shift away from him but his grip stayed firm.

"It's the truth."

"Okay, maybe it is." She shrugged her shoulders, her eyes meeting his defiantly.

And then he truly shocked her, suddenly crashing his lips into hers. She stiffened, raising one hand between them and crashing it into his chest, almost a slap, almost a punch. Acting on their own, her fingers tightened, clutching the fabric of his shirt, tugging it toward her softly. Her lips matched his, sliding and caressing. Her eyes fluttered closed. His arms wrapped around her, his palms spread flat against her shoulder blade and the small of her back respectively.

Why was it that kissing him was so familiar, when they'd shared so few moments like this? She and Tommy were like a distant memory, one that sometimes felt more like a TV show she'd once watched then a part of her life. Only the feelings and emotions were as fresh as they'd ever been.

He took a step forward and she felt her balance tip. She desperately clung to him as she fell. His arms caught her, lowered her back onto the soft arm chair. He was hovering above her, one knee braced on the corner of the chair as their lips and hands continued to caress one another. And then she caught herself, remembered she wasn't a character in a TV show and this wasn't a distant memory.

This was now.  
This was real.  
This was wrong.

"Stop," she gasped, prying her lips from his.

His lips fell to the corner of her mouth, her cheek, her eyelid. Her words fell unnoticed.

"Tommy," she was firm this time. "Stop."

He obeyed. He stopped kissing her but he didn't move. His body still blanketed hers, the warmth of his skin seeping through the thin fabric they each wore, melting into her. His closeness was suffocating.

"Don't do this," she whispered the words, her voice breaking as she spoke. "I don't want to do this. I don't want to be a distraction, Tommy. I don't want to be that to you and I don't want you to be that for me."

As she spoke he pulled back until he was crouching beside the chair. He didn't look at her. She was lying back on the cushions, her hair splayed around her, her shirt riding up slightly. She suddenly felt dirty and evil; a betrayer of confidence and friendship.

She stood up, brushed herself off and moved away from him. Her steps sped to a run and she soon reached the door, flung it open and escaped into the night. The darkness wrapped around her, pressed down upon her, and welcomed her.

The heat in her home was overwhelming as Jude stepped in from the frigid evening air. She shrugged off her jacket and let the door slam shut behind her as she hung it on the coat rack.

"Mark?" she called.

Without answering he appeared at the top of the stairs, his hair disheveled and his eyes bleary.

"Where you sleeping?"

He nodded. "How did it go?"

She shrugged, resting one hand on the banister. "It went."

"I was expecting you home sooner."

She gazed up at him. His eyes were flickering with something she couldn't quite place; hiding behind the distant expression he generally saved for press conferences. She didn't answer.

He started down the stairs and she turned away. His hand on her shoulder stopped her as she entered the living room and she turned back to him slowly.

He sighed. "I don't know what I should be saying here."

"No, you don't." She agreed.

He sighed again and pulled her into a stiff hug. She closed her eyes and inhaled his scent while trying to let her mind drift back to the early days when he was her rock in a sea of misery, the one person who could make her smile and feel safe when everything was so uncertain.

He pulled away and she felt herself wobble forward, her balance thrown. He didn't notice as he turned to the fireplace and threw another log into the blazing heat.

"I don't get you." She said softly. When he didn't answer she figured she'd spoken too quietly, that her words were lost in the roar of a passing car on the street, or in the eerie whir of the wind whistling through the eves outside.

He sat down on the sofa, his eyes still on the fire.

"You're like a different person each time I see you. It's like I don't know who I'm going to wake up next to each day, if I wake up next to you at all."

His gaze finally rose to meet hers and she was surprised at the pain she saw in his eyes, the telltale sparkle of early tears.

"I'm always letting you down." He said.

"What do you mean?"

"I was supposed to make you happy."

She crossed her arms over her chest. "That's my job. Not yours."

"Fine. But I wasn't supposed to be the source of your unhappiness. I had all these expectations of myself when we got married. I had this image in my head of what marriage was going to be like and how it was going to merge in with our fame and success so flawlessly. But I keep messing it up."

Jude felt her heart drop as an icy chill filled her veins. "Is this a new confession?"

He shook his head. "No. I mean in general."

"No you don't. Mark, what happened?"

He stood to face her and she stepped back, hating for the first time the way he towered over her, how she could be completely concealed in his shadow.

"Did you cheat on me again?"

He shook his head. "No. But nearly."

She felt the sting of tears filling her eyes. "When?"

He groaned and looked away; raking his fingers through his hair so roughly she was sure it must have drawn blood. "When you were at the hospital… with Jessica."

Jude's voice broke as she tried to stutter out her response. "The night she died?"

He didn't answer.

"Oh my God Mark."

"I didn't actually do anything. I let her in the house. We talked, had a bit to drink. She kissed me but I told her to leave. "

Jude sank down onto the sofa and closed her eyes.

"You were with another woman while I was with my dying friend," she breathed.

"And him. Don't forget him."

"MARK!" She yelled, anger suddenly overriding the pain and scorching away the tears.

"Don't do that! Don't get all self righteous on me Jude. I know how you felt about him. You told me, remember? That night in Vegas after the MTV Awards when you were so upset about that comment Lady Gaga made about you during her acceptance speech. You got drunk in your hotel room, called and invited me over and eventually told me the whole damn story."

Jude frowned. "I don't remember that."

"Well I guess it was good Vodka then." He shook his head. "I probably should have run for the hills then. Competing with a ghost was a bad enough prospect. And then he came back."

"It's not like that between us. Honestly, half the time I hate him."

Mark slowly lowered himself onto the sofa next to her, not sure if he would be punched or welcomed. "And the other half?"

"I pity him."

He reached for her and she let him. He ran a hand through her hair and pulled her face toward his. He smiled sadly as he pressed his forehead to hers. "Not true. Not the whole truth."

"I'm so tired Mark."

He pulled away and leaned back, letting his head rest on the back of the sofa. "Me too."

There was a moment of silence. The fire cracked and roared and the wind continued to harass the building. Jude felt as if something had fallen within in her. Suddenly a weight had dropped and she was filled with both a sense of relief and an awareness of a gaping hole that had been left behind.

She turned to Mark and watched as the shadows of the fire danced across his features. She closed her eyes and committed the sight to memory and then closed the virtual photo album, closed the chapter that contained him.

"I think you should leave."

His eyes opened and he turned to meet her gaze. For a moment his expression was surprised and then it changed. She felt as if she were seeing that same weight fall inside him. Slowly he nodded and when he spoke his voice was choked with tears.

"I think you're right."

-=|=-

Jude remained seated in front of the fire as Mark packed his things and placed them by the front door. She fought the urge to cry each time his footsteps sounded on the stairs. Finally he paused in the doorway and she glanced up.

"She came to see me you know."

She frowned. "Who?"

"Jessica. She was worried about you, about us. She really wanted you to be happy. I didn't fit into her image of that. I think she was right."

_

**Teasers for Part 19****  
**_**""do they collide?" I ask and you smile." **_

"She came to say good-bye."

His heart plummeted at that. "Where's she going?"

She glanced down the corridor then back to him. "She said something about seeing her right now not being good for you." Her nose scrunched up as she frowned. "I think that's stupid."


	19. Chapter 19: Do they collide?

[center]_

[img].[/img]

[b][u][size=15pt]Chapter 19 [/size][/u]

[i]"Do they collide? I ask and you smile..." [/b]

Tommy lay on the sofa; the sheets of his makeshift bed tangled around his body like funeral wraps while the blanket lay on the floor, tossed aside at some point during his nightmare ridden night. He pressed a hand to his forehead as images from the day before flashed through his mind: Jessica's coffin, Kara's tear stained face, his home full of mourners all dressed in black like creepy creatures who melted out of the night and finally… that kiss with Jude. That so wrong, waited so damn long, what was he thinking kiss.

He felt ill, both literally and metaphorically. His thoughts leading up to the action were a jumbled blur, ultimately leading him to the conclusion that there had been no thought, no decision to do what he did. But did that make it less of a crime, a betrayal of his wife, the act of someone who must certainly have no heart at all?

Thirty odd years and he still wasn't in control. Still like that teenage boy who ran on impulse and lust and crushed the lives of the people he should love as he steamrolled right over them.

"Daddy?" Kara stood in the doorway, adorably tragic in her pink pajamas and bunny rabbit slippers. An old soft toy, one that had been mostly forgotten in recent years was clutched in one hand. "Why did you sleep down here?"

He sat up and tugged at the sheet wound tightly around his legs. "I don't know." His voice trembled as he spoke and he hated himself for it. Of all people couldn't he at least be strong enough, good enough for his daughter? "My room felt too lonely without Mommy."

Kara was at his side in an instant, her arms wrapped tightly around his torso. "I miss her too."

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Jude rubbed her stinging eyes and sighed. She was sitting on the end of her and Mark's bed, or at least what had been their bed, surveying a room that looked as if it had been hit by a tornado. Mark had taken the majority of his clothes and accessories, the major necessities of his life when he left the night before and he'd done it in a hurry.

Jude noticed an old silk tie partially hidden beneath a pair of her high heels and crouched down beside it. The tie was pink, bright pink. She'd brought it for Mark a few months after they started dating. It was their last night before he went on his first world tour and though he was doing his best to hide it, to be cocky and confident, she could tell he was scared to death.

"Here, I got you this." She'd said, handing him a black parcel with white ribbon.

He'd smiled, raising one eyebrow suspiciously as he took it from her.

"There's just one catch," she said as he begun to loosen the ribbon. "You have to wear it."

"Why did my blood just run cold?" he asked with a laugh.

She'd smiled and tilted her head innocently as he quickly tore away the wrapping and pulled out the offensively pink object.

"Pink?" he'd asked.

"Yeah," she nodded, trying not to smile, "but it's punk pink, not fairy pink."

He'd laughed. "Yeah, that really helps. Where do I have to wear it?"

"At your concert tomorrow, and the one after that, and the one after that. It'll be like your thing."

"Yeah, my kind of gay thing."

"You come first, Mark." She'd said, suddenly serious. "It doesn't matter what the critics think of you, or the fans, what comes first is how you feel about yourself. So I thought this could be your symbol of that." She shrugged. "I don't know, maybe it doesn't make sense but it's kind of a screw them thing, you know? 'I'll be what I want to be and you'll just have to deal with it'. Show them you don't care, you make your own rules. They'll love you for it."

He'd gazed at her silently as she spoke and when she finished he glanced from her to the tie. "You think so?"

She nodded. "You're awesome Mark. Own it. If not with this tie, with something of your choosing."

He nodded. "I love it. I'm going to wear it. Help me put it on?"

She'd leaned forward to kiss him and then obliged.

Mark had worn that tie on every tour date. Magazine's had insisted he wear it to photo shoots and sure enough it had been come of his image, his quirk. Jude hadn't really noticed when the stylist had replaced the tie with other bold fashion statements, but somewhere along the way it had fallen from its proud position to pool in the dust at the back of their closet.

Now, she rose to her feet and folded the scarf into a small ball. She walked out of the bedroom and into the spare room. She opened a cupboard full of old keepsakes and odds and ends; drew out an old shoe box and tucked the tie inside.

"Right." She said to herself, "what next?"

An idea occurred to her and she ran downstairs. She picked up the phone and chose her second speed dial number.

"Sadie?" she asked a moment later. "I'm good. How are you? Hey, I was thinking, maybe I should come visit. I feel like getting out of town for awhile."

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Kara kicked at a loose pebble on the footpath and hugged her arms to herself. It was cold and dark. The dim patio light cast a small pool of light around her and beyond it the world slept. She glanced up at the house, to the spare bedroom where Tommy was now sleeping. She'd received a call from Jude ten minutes ago, asking her to meet her outside their house. She'd asked her not to mention it to Tommy; that she was just coming to see Kara and the idea had appealed to her. But now she felt guilty, as if she were keeping special from her father at a time when he really needed it.

She heard a car pull into the street and walked down to the footpath to check it was Jude. She waved and the car slowed.

"Hi sweetie," Jude said as she killed the engine and leaned over to open the passenger door for Kara. "Hop in, it's cold out there."

Kara complied, carefully closing the door behind her so her father wouldn't hear.

"You should have waited inside," Jude said. "It's not safe you being outside alone at this time of night."

Kara nodded. "Sorry. Why'd you come over?"

"I wanted to see you." Jude leaned over to brush Kara's cheek with the back of her fingers. "How are you doing?"

Kara shrugged. "I'm okay. It's weird, you know?"

"Yeah."

"Why didn't you want to see Dad?"

Jude opened her mouth to speak; her forehead creasing with stress, then paused. "It's not that I didn't want to see him. He's going through a lot right now and I think this is one of those times when my being around wouldn't be good for him."

"Why not?"

"I can't explain it Kara. It's big and complicated and I'm not sure I completely understand it myself."

Kara crossed her arms over her chest and gazed at the windscreen.

"I'm going away for awhile." Jude said slowly. "I mean, I'd like to go away for awhile. I was thinking of going to visit my sister in New York. I really miss her. But I feel bad about leaving you right now. So if you want me to stay. I will."

Kara glanced at her. "Can I come with you?"

Jude shook her head. "Not this time. Your Dad needs you."

"And I guess he can't come either?"

Jude shook her head.

Kara shrugged, feeling the anger that had been simmering beneath the surface for days begin to bubble. "You don't owe me anything. You can go if you want."

"Not if it makes you mad."

"Everything makes me mad right now. I'm mean and grumpy and really not worth being around." Her eyes welled with tears. "I don't know what's wrong with me."

Jude reached for her but she pulled away. "You're mourning," Jude said with a sigh. "It's like a rollercoaster for the heart."

Kara was silent and for a couple of minutes the two of them just sat in the car, watching as a light drizzle began to fall around them, coating the windscreen in silvery drops of water.

"You can go see your sister." Kara finally said. "Really. It's okay. But will you skype me each night?"

Jude smiled. "I was just going to ask you if I could."

Kara nodded. "Okay then."

[center]-=|=-[/center]

Tommy sat in the dark, watching unseen through the mesh blinds as Jude and Kara spoke outside. He leaned forward, resting his forehead against the glass as Jude and Kara hugged, and Kara stepped out of the car. Jude's engine roared to life and he fought the memory of the first driving lesson he'd given her years ago as it tried to creep into his mind.

Jude's tail lights disappeared from view and Kara raced back inside. As the front door closed he left the room and waited for her at the top of the stairs.

"Oh." Kara said, freezing in place on the fifth step as she noticed him. "What's up Dad?"

He leaned against the wall and crossed his arms. "What did Jude want?"

"She came to say good-bye."

His heart plummeted at that. "Where's she going?"

"To visit her sister in New York for awhile." She continued to walk up the stairs, finally pausing beside him.

"Did she mention me?"

She shrugged. "Not really." She glanced down the corridor then back to him. "She said something about seeing her right now not being good for you." Her nose scrunched up as she frowned. "I think that's stupid."

He reached out to ruffle her hair but she pulled away. Seeing his hurt she smiled and hugged him.

"Get to bed kiddo." He instructed, giving her one last squeeze.

She scampered off to her room and he flicked off the hall light and returned to his own room. Outside the street was now empty, the hum of Jude's engine long forgotten as the silence settled around the house. He pulled back the covers and climbed into bed, wondering if tonight would just be sleepless or full of the nightmares of deserts or storms separating him from his family or the sweeter dreams of years long gone by; after school studio sessions with Jude. The dreams that led to the sleeplessness, the guilt that was his only pause from the pain of his loss.

[b][u][size=15pt]Teasers for Part 20[/size][/u]

[i]" So What? I'm still a rockstar..." [/b]

"Oh Kwest," Jude felt laughter beginning to bubble up inside her. "You are an evil, evil person… and my personal hero."  
***

"I think you're leaving because you still love him. And you're not sure how to process it."

"Jude." Tommy was a little breathless, surprised. "Oh... I was hoping I'd get your answering machine."


	20. Chapter 20: Still a rockstar

**Chapter 20 ****  
**_**"So What? I'm still a rockstar" **_

"I love your view," Jude declared.

She was standing at the large living room window of Sadie and Kwest's Manhatten loft which gazed out over a small park nestled between two high rise apartment buildings.

"It's nice to see a little green," Sadie agreed as she walked up beside Jude and handed her a glass of orange juice. "Most days it makes me miss Toronto and suburbia. I love New York, I live my job here but I don't think it's home forever, just now."

Jude nodded and took a sip of her drink. "When does Kwest get home?"

Sadie glanced at her watch. "Any moment now. Come on, let's sit down."

When she were seated together on the big black triangular shaped leather coach in the middle of the room, Sadie turned to Jude and clutched her hand between both of hers. "Now. Why are you here?"

Jude's eyebrows rose in amusement. "I need a reason to come visit my sister?" As she spoke the door behind Sadie opened and Kwest stepped in. He smiled at Jude and hung his coat on a hook beside the door. "and her wonderfully charming husband?" Jude continued with a smile. She stood to hug Kwest as he joined them at the sofa.

"What'd I miss?" He asked as he sat down.

"Sadie's grilling me." Jude remarked.

"Oh, my favorite part." He laughed.

Sadie rolled her eyes good naturedly and tilted her head to the side. "Come on honey, I know you. I'm absolutely thrilled you came to visit but it's not like you to arrive so suddenly, not with your album press tour about to start."

Jude sat back, shifting her shoulders against the sofa cushions as she prepared to say the things she wasn't sure she was ready to speak aloud and alive.

"Mark and I are getting a divorce."

She heard Sadie's sharp intake of breath but kept her eyes focused on a wall clock across from her, watching as the seconds hand bravely ticked on.

"We're not going to officially announce it until after my tour. He's in the middle of his right now and by the time that wraps I'll be in the middle of mine. We would have been apart anyway so we're hoping the press won't really pick up on the change. We don't want the personal dramas getting in the way of our careers right now."

"You sure Mark can keep a low romantic profile that long?"

"Kwest!" Sadie scolded.

"I'm sorry. I am but the guys an ass. I never said anything before and I probably should of."

"He's pretty good at keeping his going ons undercover," Jude said with a sigh. "I'm sure I didn't even have a hint of a clue of half of his indiscretions."

"That's why you're breaking up?" Sadie asked. "He cheated on you."

Jude shook her head, running a hand over the back of her neck roughly, letting the finger tips dig into the vertebrae and leave a red mark on the skin that slowly faded.

"He's cheated on me a lot but we came to an agreement before his tour. He tried to be better, to turn the girls away and I think he actually was being true. I can't be sure but he had nothing left to lose when he promised me. I had my spies on the tour too. I don't think he slept with anyone else but he did betray me. We decided it wasn't going to work, that we couldn't be what we needed to be to make the other person happy. No matter how much we wanted to."

"So it was a mutual decision?" Sadie asked.

"And a friendly one." Jude answered.

"I'm not sad to see him go." Kwest said.

"Me either." Sadie agreed softly.

They were silent for a moment until Jude noticed Kwest smiling softly to himself.

"Remember that time the two of you came to visit while you were in New York for the bands press tour for their last album?"

"The one with that dreadful live interview on Today?" Jude asked.

Kwest nodded. Sadie was watching him closely and Jude felt realization dawning.

"You had something to do with that?" She asked.

"You girls were in here talking and Mark was in the bathroom. I walked past the door and heard him talking on his cell phone and though I couldn't be sure I had this feeling that he was talking to a girl. I swear; that guy always gave me a bad feeling in my bones. Anyway, I went to the kitchen to make coffee and I might have added a little something extra to his drink."

"He nearly crapped himself on life TV," Jude said, cringing both at the vulgarity of the words and the memory. "What did you do, put laxative in his drink?"

Kwest nodded silently.

Her hands flew to cover her mouth as Jude stared at him wide eyed.

"And here I thought I knew you by now." Sadie said, fighting laughter.

"I can't believe you did that." Jude whispered. "He had to cancel all his press appointments for the rest of the day. He spent an hour in the bathroom at the studio. Johnny Depp was there to be interviewed after him. His manager tried to introduce them and Mark was in the middle of shaking Johnny's hand when he had to run back to the bathroom. He was mortified. Johnny had been his hero since he was a kid."

By this point Sadie was laughing hysterically and Kwest was grinning.

"Oh Kwest," Jude felt laughter beginning to bubble up inside her. "You are an evil, evil person… and my personal hero."

"You're right about this coffee," Jude remarked as she and Kwest walked down a busy New York Street. The air was brisk, around them people were bundled up in jackets and scarves, their breath glowing in front of them.

"Best in the city, for sure." He agreed.

Jude idly shook the coffee mug, stirring the liquid. "It must have been a vigorous search to find it."

He nodded, smiling. "It took a couple of years of searching. A new coffee shop each day."

Jude laughed and they walked together in silence. Eventually they reached a small park nestled between two high rises and took a seat together In a corner.

"Sadie seems really happy." Jude said.

He nodded. "She enjoys her job. It's the just right combination of challenge and security for her. Plus she's got some good friends in the city. I think she still misses Toronto though."

"Do you think you might ever move back?"

He nodded. "Probably. We've talked a little about where we'd like to start a family and neither of us particularly wants to do it here."

Jude's eyes widened. "I must have nieces and nephews, Kwest. At least five. Just so you know. You guys should probably start on that."

He laughed. "Yeah, I'll keep that in mind." He leaned back on the park bench, absentmindedly plucking a leaf from a nearby rose bush. "I hear you and Tommy's daughter have become close. She's a real sweetheart."

Jude glanced sideways at him, sensing a not so casual segway into a topic he'd most likely been planning. "Yeah, she's great."

"We still talk on the phone pretty regularly and he came to New York on business last year but I don't think we've spent any significant time together since Sadie and I's wedding."

"Really? I don't remember him being there."

He shook his head. "He didn't come to the wedding because of you. He figured sister of the bride had first dibs on feeling comfortable and he didn't want to make it strange for you."

"Oh."

"But he came to my bachelor party. Helped me pick out a tux, did the whole behind the scenes best man thing."

"I'm sorry he couldn't stand at the altar with you. I didn't realize that was because of me." Her voice was small.

"Not because of you, because of him."

She sighed and rubbed her forehead with her hand. "Oh what a tangled web we weave, right?"

Kwest stood up and crossed over to a nearby trash can. He tossed his empty coffee mug inside. "How's he doing?"

Jude paused, than shrugged. "I'm not sure. I haven't seen him since the funeral."

"Yeah, I felt awful I couldn't make it to that. When you called and said you were coming to visit, before we knew about Mark, I almost wondered if the visit had something to do with Tommy and Jessica." He turned back to face her and she looked away.

"Maybe a little."

He sat down beside her again and put his hand over hers for a moment, giving it a slight squeeze.

"It was strange enough before, our lives intersecting again. But Jessica made it okay. She was like the outline, the boundary that allowed everything to settle. Now she's gone but she's not, kind of at the same time. And I just feel like I should be running away or something. And now with Mark… I can't believe how much everything has changed in just a few months."

"So you can start your press tour after this visit then start your concert tour." He tapped the index finger of his right hand over the tips of his left, as if counting. "You can avoid spending any real time in Toronto for months."

"He kissed me Kwest." The words came out quickly and she instantly cringed. She'd intended that moment to stay a secret, shared with no one, not even her sister and now here she was, sharing it with her brother in law on an overcast winter day, surrounded by the cheerful faces of listening roses.

Kwest inhaled sharply. "When?"

"After Jessica's funeral."

He shook his head. "That's so Tommy."

"It's so messed up is what it is." She gritted her teeth. "I can't believe we did that."

"So you're running away because you feel guilty." It was a statement, not a question.

She felt angry suddenly. "I'm running away because I don't want to go in circles, because just because I'm married to an adulterer doesn't mean I have to be one. Because I'm sick of being the thing Tommy plays with to keep himself amused or distracted before he leaves to live his life with the person he actually cares about-"

"I don't think he's leaving again."

She scrunched her eyes closed. "That's not the point Kwest."

"I think you're leaving because you still love him. And you're not sure how to process it."

She shook her head and stood up suddenly. "I'm not. I'm mad at him. Sometimes I feel like I hate him."

"Love can feel that way sometimes."

She continued to shake her head as she walked away, blindly following a crushed quartz pathway through the maze of flowers.

"I'm sorry Jude." Kwest called behind her. His footsteps were following her, but at a much slower pace than her own. "I know I shouldn't interfere. But I've known Tommy since I was fifteen years old and I've been pretty much been there since day one when it comes to the two of you."

"So you think you see it clearer?" she asked, spinning around to face him.

"Just differently. And from two different directions. You're my sister in law and love and he's like my brother. I care about you both."

"Well I appreciate that, Kwest. I do. But he and I, this situation is far too complicated to be summed up in a couple of sentences."

He smiled; his expression apologetic. "Now there's a point we can agree on."

She shook her head, feeling a sad smile tugging at her own lips.

"Come here," he urged, holding his arms out to her. She accepted the embrace, resting her head on his shoulder for a moment. "Give it time. It can only get easier from here."

Jude gazed out at the crowded New York City street, some ten or so stories beneath her spare bedroom window in Sadie and Kwest's apartment. It was starting to rain, that gradual drizzle you easily ignored until you realized it had somehow turned into heavy raindrops and you were already half drenched.

Soft jazz music drifted through the walls from the living area. Sadie and Kwest were preparing dinner together. Kwest was singing softly, occasionally pausing to twirl Sadie around the kitchenette. Their laughter bounced off the walls, warming the space.

Jude ran her hands down her face, yawning sleepily, She was too close to home to suffer from jet lag but still the trip had thrown her off somehow. She felt as if she'd left some part of herself in Toronto and her body was yearning toward it, stretching itself across the distance.

She stood up and crossed over to the bed. Tucking one knee under her she sat down and picked up her day planner. Press for the tour started the following morning and it was time to plan her approach to the press. She'd already figured out her power words for the album, the best ways to sum up the theme and inspiration to make it all sound far more elaborate and academic then it actually was. 'I just feel something then spew it all out on paper' was not a romantic way of summing up the creative process; she'd learnt that during one of her first interviews in her teens.

Her phone buzzed and she glanced at it on her bedside table. It was set to vibrate and was slowly working its way to the edge. She reached out to catch it moments before it fell to the crisp, white carpet.

'Tommy', the screen read.

She sighed, her gaze drifting from the screen to the view out the window. The rain had truly set in now and she imagined the people on the street all rushing for cover, newspapers and briefcases thrown over heads in a desperate attempt to ward off the deluge.

She contemplated not answering, even reached forward to put the phone back, than stopped. Quickly, before she could second guess her decision she press the call button.

"Hello?"

"Jude." Tommy was a little breathless, surprised. "Oh... I was hoping I'd get your answering machine."

Her eyes drifted to the ceiling in an eye roll, a wave of unwanted irritation rolling over her. "Right. I'll hang up then."

"No, Jude wait-"

She pressed the red call button and the phone went silent. A moment later it began to ring again and she swore under her breath. She tossed it onto the table and turned back to her day planner and the doodle of a flower she was working on in the corner of tomorrow's page. The phone continued to ring insistently, almost pleadingly then finally stilled. She glanced over to the see the screen still glowing optimistically.

The clock on the wall moved slowly as she waited, tapping her pen against the page. After a few moments a series of chirps signaled a new message and she reached for the phone, dialed in her pin and played back the message.

"Well my foot's firmly in my mouth." His voice was so familiar, like an old summer song. "That went great. Sorry about that. Look, that's why I'm calling and why I didn't want to face talking to you. I get that you're taking a step back and that's fine, I respect that. But I wanted to apologize for what I did the other night. It was entirely inappropriate and unfair on you. I had no right to put you in that position. I was…" he paused, sighed. She could imagine him sitting there, clutching the phone to his hair, the worry lines creasing his forehead. "I'm not sure what I was doing really. I wasn't entirely there. Most of that day is a blur now. I'm sorry. Please don't hate me." There was a moment's pause in which she could make out the faint sound of him breathing on the other end of the line, than a click and message ended.

Jude powered down the phone and clutched it in her hand. Rain drops bled down the glass before her and the hum of energy from the room next door continued to seep into the room - contentment in one space, confusion in another.

_

**Teasers for Part 21****  
**_**"So here were are in this big old room, staring at each other. Who's gonna make the first move?" **_

"Dude that was totally my fault." Spencer was mumbling nearby, "sorry about that."

"_Dude_," Tommy's voice was sarcastic and irritated. "Get lost."


	21. Chapter 21: So here we are

**Chapter 21: "So here were are in this big old room, staring at each other. Who's gonna make the first move?"**

"Dad!" Kara called, "Jude's on TV again."

Tommy glanced in from the kitchen as Kara pointed at the TV excitedly. On the screen concert footage was being shown, interlaced with scenes of fans queuing for blocks to buy tickets. It cut to a shot of Jude being interviewed, sitting in a brightly lit studio with an overly made up early morning show interviewer.

Tommy returned to the kitchen, feeling a strange lump in his throat as Jude's voice echoed in behind him. He finished drying and putting away the dishes then braced his hands against the bench. Involuntarily his eyes drifted up to the ceiling and his bedroom which was directly above that.

It had been a month since Jessica died and he'd spent much of that time sleeping in the guest bedroom. However, he'd gradually been spending more time in his own room, slowly easing himself into it. He'd decided this was the week that he would move back.

"Kara I'm going upstairs. Can you come up soon and help me with some things?"

Kara nodded as he walked through the room, her eyes still fixed to Jude's face on the TV screen.

"I'd like to say hi to my friend Kara, she told me she was going to get up early to watch this interview today," Jude said on screen. She smiled and waved to the camera. Kara squealed excitedly.

Upstairs, Tommy stood in the doorway of his bedroom. The room still smelt of Jessica. He knew now much of it came from her perfumes, still lined up on the dressing table. The human scent had been fading since the day she died.

He carried a box with him and he set it down inside. Over the course of the next fifteen minutes he went through Jessica's make-up, checking expiries and throwing away partially used items. Some he put aside for Kara to play with. The perfumes and other lasting items were carefully packed away to be given to Kara when she was older. Jessica's favorite perfume he tucked away into the back of his sock drawer.

When he was finally finished he surveyed his work. In front of him was a bachelor's dressing table. Mostly clear save a comb, a tie pin, a box for cufflinks and not much else. He didn't allow himself to dwell on the sadness. Instead he turned his attention to the closet.

Jude picked at her nail polish, peeling back the tips of the white French manicure as her manager reeled off the names of reporters, magazines, TV stations, the never ending litany of press she was to meet with over the next couple of days. Her eyes drifted to the hotel window, seeking out the far off horizon littered with buildings. Somewhere beyond that, some hundred miles away lay the ocean. She could imagine waves lapping against the shore, teasing as they inched forward only to forever pull away. She pressed her fingertips to her forehead and pressed down. Her head hurt.

"We're doing well," Timothy Turns, manager extraordinaire continued. "Two weeks into the tour and everyone's talking about you right now. You've trended on twitter three times this week."

Jude nodded, trying to remember what trending met and which of the social networking sites Twitter was. She was pretty sure it had something to do with a bird. Either way it was just another website she'd learnt to avoid since fame began to chip away at her personal life and blur the edges.

She'd received the divorce papers from her lawyer the night before. She'd spent the evening curled up in her hotel bed, flipping through the pages. She had the TV playing softly, a CNN reporter talking about unrest in the Middle East and an earthquake in a far off country. She tuned out the words, trying to let the sound trick the edge of her mind into believing she wasn't alone.

As the red lights on the bedside alarm screamed out 3:03am she'd set pen to paper and signed her name. Above it Mark's bold scrawl sat plain and obvious.

This was it.

It was over.

She was free.

She was starting afresh.

She was alone.

Tommy had been itching for a fight for days. It was like re-meeting an old friend, this familiar feeling coming back to him. The way his fingers itched, constantly curling into fists, the jumpiness that made his steps large, his shoulders bounce and of course the twisting fire of anger in the pit of his stomach. Everything was wrong. Everyone was to blame. He just wanted to pound his fist into something, hear the crunch and see the blood. Maybe that would help in some messed up way. Could it really hurt?

Kara was spending the weekend at a friend's place. When he'd snapped at her over breakfast on Friday morning after she complained about the lack of orange juice, he figured it was best to get her away from him. He wanted to lash out at everything, everything but her.

Going to G-Major probably wasn't the best idea. It was a Saturday. It wasn't necessary but the house was far too big and echoing with no one in it. He didn't feel haunted by Jessica anymore. More like he was haunted by the memory of them both, the way being a family had felt. The memories collided so harshly with the present it was as if the house came to life.

The lobby was busy. Interns ran around with piles of paper and headsets on their head. Artists leaned against walls, strumming guitars and humming to themselves, lost in their own world. And then there were the people in suits; backs straight, expressions serious, dollar signs flashing in their eyes.

Tommy stood in the middle of the room and took it all in, slowly turning, letting everything blur together. And then a familiar voice caught his attention. He turned to see commotion at the door. Mark and his band were walking in. People flocked about them as they arrived. Mark was the center of attention. He grinned, his white teeth flashing as he slipped off his glasses and tucked them into his pocket in one fluid motion. He wrapped an arm around a new intern's shoulder as someone flashed a photo of the two, and then kissed her on the cheek. Her skin flushed a bright red as she watched him walk away.

Tommy felt the familiar itching in his fingers and he shoved his hands into the pockets of his jacket, hiding the angry fists. He turned and left the room, walking quickly to the nearest exit which happened to be an empty studio. He leaned against the mixing station, inhaling and exhaling slowly; feeling the peace and complete silence of the room slowly calm him.

He wasn't surprised when the door clicked open. It was as if a part of him had suddenly developed psychic powers and new this moment was coming, that it was simply inevitable.

"Tommy Quincy, I wasn't expecting to see you here." Mark tipped his hands to the side in a casual gesture. The door clicked shut behind him. "It's been awhile hasn't it?"

Tommy gritted his teeth, his hands clutching the edges of the soundboard so tightly the edges left imprints in his palm. "Not long enough," he growled.

Mark smiled as he leaned back against the door. "Still no love between us, huh? And no one's watching, no need to put on a happy face?" He tipped his head to the side in a shrug. "No one left to watch I guess. I mean, Jude's been gone for months and, well…"

Tommy waited for him to mention Jessica, knowing the moment Mark did, he'd lunge forward and slam his fist into that smug face. Mark remained silent.

"How is Jude?" Tommy finally asked. The words were hard to say, it was as if he were a child still learning to speak, he had to focus on the syllables and the letters, pausing slightly between each word.

"Oh, she's great." Mark nodded, the movements too big, too happy. "She loves life on the road, all those big spaces, that energy. She gets so excited, if you know what I mean."

Tommy turned his head to see Mark's eyes sparking. He seemed so pleased with himself and yet there was something not quite right. There was something defensive about the set of his shoulders, the way his eyes would drift away if Tommy met them. Tommy turned so his back was to the sound board and leaned back against it, crossing his arms over his chest.

"When did you see her last?" He asked

"One of her shows, the cities, places, they all run together after awhile."

"Must have been hard to fit in with your own schedule?"

"Well, you make time when it matters, right?"

Tommy tilted his head to the side, eyes searching. "You haven't seen her recently have you?"

Mark tucked his hands into his pockets. He didn't speak for a moment. His expression flickered from one thing to another, as if he were trying to decide what course to take. Eventually he decided. "Well, I saw [i]a[/i] girl recently. Not sure if it was Jude."

Instantly Tommy's hands were gripping his collar, pulling him up and shoving him back against the wall. Mark lifted his chin, a slightly shaky smile on his lips. "Still her little guard dog I see? Kicking her one minute, defending her the next."

"Shut up," Tommy growled.

Mark laughed. "Or what?"

Tommy let go and took a step back. He turned away, running a hand through his hair as his heart raced.

"Yeah, that's what I thought," Mark said.

"Get out."

"Hey, this is my studio session. You get out."

Tommy glared back at him then started for the door. Mark stepped out of the way, quickly. He shrunk to the opposite side of the room, his expression still mocking. "I'm over it." He said. His voice had grown serious and there was something almost vulnerable in his town. "She and I, well, we were so last year. I'm moving on. It's all up hill from here."

Tommy glanced back at him, one hand on the now open door. "Does she know that?" he asked.

Mark nodded. "Yeah… It was her idea."

Jude woke with a start. Her body still vibrated with the energy of her concert. The faint roar of the audience echoed in her ears and beneath her the ground seemed to sway. She ran a hand through her tangled hair and reached with the other for the bedside lamp. Only then did she remember where she was. Beneath her the wheels turned, spraying water from the road against the underside of the bus, sounding like a whispering monster reaching up for her. She lay back in her bunk, wondering if it was this uneasiness that had woken her.

In her dream she'd been in a forest. Above her the tree branches made a canopy of soft green. She'd gazed up, squinting as sunlight filtered through and temporarily blinded her. Footsteps had sounded behind her and she'd turned, shading her eyes with her hand.

Jude scrunched her eyes closed; trying to conjure up the image and remember what had come next.

Eventually she fell asleep again, one hand hanging limply over the side of the bunk. Her subconscious mind drifted, wandering down tunnels and through fields, a peaceful, empty landscape. But somehow, eventually it made its way back to the forest.

She sat on the ground, twigs digging into her legs and causing her to draw them up to her chest. She rested her chin on her knees and gazed at the sea of tree trunks before her, feeling a deep drowsiness settle over her.

There was movement beside her and she turned, suddenly starting to find Jessica sitting beside her.

Jessica smiled sweetly, calmly. "How've you been honey?"

Jude had fumbled for words, finding only syllables and vowel sounds. "Okay," she finally managed.

Jessica's head had tilted to the side as she gazed at her, her eyes clouding slightly. "You seem a little lost."

"I'm where I'm supposed to be." Jude answered quickly, perplexed.

"Where you always thought you would be?"

Jude shook her head slowly.

"Where do you want to be?"

"I don't know anymore."

"You're not alone you know? You don't have to be alone."

Jude blinked, opening her mouth to answer, to ask what she'd meant. But in the split second her eyes were closed, Jessica disappeared. Jude rose up onto her knees and glanced around her wildly. The trees stretched away from her, first feet then meters and finally miles settled between her and them. She sat on a dry lake bed, suddenly aware of her desperate thirst.

She woke up once again and quickly tipped sideways out of the bunk. She padded through the bus to the kitchenette and poured herself a glass of water. She braced her hand against the bench as she once again became accustomed to the motion of the road. Somewhere in the bus her cell phone lit up, a new text message automatically displaying on its screen.

'_Hey Jude. Saw footage from your last show on Youtube. It was great. Kara says to say she loved your blue dress the best. Hope you're doing okay. I've been thinking about you a lot lately.' – Tommy._

**Teasers for Part 22**

"_Sunlight sends you on your way, And those restless thoughts that cling to yesterday, Never be afraid of change." _

"Dude that was totally my fault." Spencer was mumbling nearby, "sorry about that."

"_Dude_," Tommy's voice was sarcastic and irritated. "Get lost."

His eyes, which had been cast downward rose back to meet hers. "So what do you want Jude? What made you leave?"

"Why do I have to be the one to say it?"


	22. Chapter 22: The End

Sorry for being so MIA. I actually wrote the big scene in this a few months back but it was all I had. I've had really bad writers block for everything else that comes at the end of this story. I've decided now It will just have to sit with this. Maybe I'll come up with an epilogue at some point and run that. The most important stuff is here and I don't want to keep you all hanging any longer waiting for me to come up with something more.

**Chapter 22: **

"**Hallelujah, every breath is a second chance. It is always, always yours." **

It was hard to believe it was nearly a year since Jude had left Toronto. The months had been a strange mix of whirlwind chaotic days without a moment to spare in between vocal warms up, hair and make-up sessions, interviews and meet and greets and then there were the nights where she tossed and turned, trying to adjust to the coldness of an empty bed that you know is now the new normal.

She wasn't surprised when she woke up with dark rings still present under her eyes. There was a strange detachment to her life. Like she was going through the motions on auto pilot and somewhere the real her was locked away, hiding away, forever in turmoil over problems both imagined and real.

The platinum album passed with a roar and a fizzle. She smiled and accepted the congratulations and hugs and mumbled her way through another wave of interviews. Only when she was on stage did the magic of her reality ever begin to set in. The roar of the crowd would engulf her, the music massage her tired soul. There she was powerful, loveable and someone wanted.

Meanwhile back in Toronto life continued for Tommy and Kara. Eventually they found their routine of work, school and far too many takeout dinners. Kara managed to make friends, something she'd mostly avoided during her mother's illnesses. The girls and boys who'd stood on the edge of her life were finally allowed in and she fell into the comfort of their company with all the joy and abandon of her age.

Tommy would watch through the kitchen window as the children tore around the yard, tossing balls and squealing instructions to one another, a blur of color and chaos. He'd sip his coffee, scribble lyrics in a notebook and determine to follow suit, to live by Kara's example.

Unabashed life. Whole life. Abundant life.

"Hey Gorgeous."

Jude fought the urge to outwardly cringe as Spencer wrapped an arm around her and pulled her close. There was a sea of backstage chaos surrounding them; the roar of the crowd still vibrating through the floorboards as the stadium slowly began to empty.

"Um, hi Spencer." As his other arm snaked around her waist she slapped her hands down against his chest, subtly pushing him away, or at least attempting to. "What's up?"

He hadn't let go and she was aware of the curious glances she was receiving from the backstage crew.

"Last night was fun."

Her eyebrows rose. "Right. Yeah. Fun. A little uh, strange but fun." She took a step back, trying to loosen herself from his grasp but he followed. She turned to the side, hoping he'd take the hint and suddenly felt that hair on the back of your neck feeling that someone was watching her.

Misjudging her movement and the cause behind it, Spencer laughed and grabbed one of her hands, somewhat roughly pulling it up above her head. He began to twirl her, slowly first then gradually faster. As the room passed by in an ever increasing blur she caught a glimpse of someone leaning against the doorframe, his arms crossed. At the same moment her foot connected with a loose scaffolding pipe and she felt herself begin to fall. Spencer clumsily tried to save her but as his own balance began to wobble his grip on her hand loosened. The floor rose up to meet her but in the final seconds two strong arms were there to cradle her fall.

"Are you okay?"

Jude shook her head as her vision shifted and slanted with the after affects of the dizziness, her mind still spinning.

"Tommy?" she asked, going more on his voice and the familiar scent of his aftershave as her vision still hadn't focused.

"Dude that was totally my fault." Spencer was mumbling nearby, "sorry about that."

"_Dude_," Tommy's voice was sarcastic and irritated. "Get lost."

Jude had gained back enough of her equilibrium to sit upright unaided and she did so, feeling Tommy's arms fall away and the warmth of their presence fading with them.

"You know that guy?" he asked as he leaned back, still crouching beside her.

Jude put a hand to her head and looked at him for the first time. His hair was shorter, skin a little lighter and he sported a few days of growth on his jaw. It was his eyes that made her heart jump though. The haunting pain and anger she'd grown so accustomed to had faded and finally, looking into his eyes she was starting to see her Tommy.

"He's my drummer."

"Yeah, I know that. But do you [i]know[/i] him?"

She frowned. "My head hurts. Don't talk in Tommy code."

He smiled ruefully.

"We had a few drinks together after last night's show. I don't know. Maybe he thinks it meant more than it did."

Tommy helped her to her feet and she brushed her hands over the front of her jeans, brushing away invisible specks to fill in the awkward space.

"I'm starting to miss SME." He admitted.

"Right. Cause that kind of thing never happened with them."

"I saw Spiederman in the states last year. On the set of his latest film."

"That's nice. Careful though. I might think you actually didn't hate the guy."

He smiled. "I never did peg him for the next action star."

She laughed. "No one outside of his daydreams did. The next Sasha Baron Cohan… maybe."

They were silent for a moment. She crossed her arms then uncrossed them, tucked her hands into the back pockets of her jeans and shuffled her feet. No position felt right, no motion natural.

"So, what are you doing here?"

He glanced down, and raked a hand down the back of his neck. "I came to see your show. I've actually seen a few from the tour. Kara's visiting her grandparents in Montana…"

"Yeah, we skyped last night. It sounds like she's having a lot of fun."

"Yeah, yeah it does." He paused, his eyes meeting hers. "I'm sorry Jude. About what I did."

A roadie walked past, casually glancing at them as he spoke into a headset. Jude watched him pass, exhaled and turned back to Tommy.

"Come on." She reached out and took his hand, gripping it loosely as the contact made her skin tingle. "Too many eyes and ears here."

She led him through a labyrinth of hallways to a door with her name in a golden star.

"I shouldn't have kissed you," he said as she closed the door behind them, locking them in and the world out. "That was entirely inappropriate and selfish. I put you in a bad situation; I hurt your relationship with Kara by making you feel you needed to put distance between us. And I'm sorry."

Jude leaned back against the door, her palms pressed flat against its cold surface. She sighed. "You were in a bad place. I get it. You kissed me but I participated. We can't put it all on you."

"The awful thing is I was mad when you left. I guess I'd gotten used to you being there and being able to rely on that. And then you were gone. I noticed your absence more then I'd expected." He snorted softly. "I felt really sorry for myself for a while there."

They were silent. He sat down on the sofa and she moved to lean against her make-up table. The room hummed with an invisible energy and she felt as if waves of pent up feeling were lapping her ankles, pulling her down like a bog.

"Maybe we could just pretend it never happened," she suggested softly, the words coming slowly.

Tommy looked away, his eyes scanning a collection of flower bouquets on a table in a corner. "No, I don't think we can."

She felt frustrated, annoyed. "What do you want Tommy?"

His answer was instant. "I don't know."

She shook her head. "Yes, you do." She felt a wave of dread wash over her as the words she wanted and intended to say fell into place in her mind. Did she have the courage? Was she willing to pay the cost? "I did. That's why I had to leave. I just wasn't willing to admit it myself at the time let alone anyone else."

He was silent, his eyes scanning hers. She wondered what he could see, what was on plain display and what little there was she could hide from him. Finally he broke the gaze and let his head drop down. He massaged the back of his neck with his fingers and she felt as if she could almost see the tension in his shoulders.

He said, "I saw Mark in Toronto."

"Oh." It came out as more of a sigh. The lights that framed the mirror glowed behind her and she cast her vision to the left, watching as a small flying insect floated toward one then flew backward as it felt the heat and grew nervous because of it.

"He said you weren't together anymore."

"No, we haven't been together since I left Toronto."

"So you're getting a divorce?"

"The papers are all signed and in my possession. I'm just waiting to file them until after my tour, in case the press catches wind of it... I am divorced."

His eyes, which had been cast downward rose back to meet hers. "So what do you want Jude? What made you leave?"

"Why do I have to be the one to say it?"

He stood up and walked over to her. Uncomfortable she felt herself shrink backward, lifting up until she was sitting on the table. He paused just in front of her, close enough for her to feel the warmth radiating from his body, close enough to smell his scent. As she looked down at her knees he raised his hand and gently ran it down her arm, the touch so feather light it made her skin tingle. She felt herself gently leaning into him. "Because I don't feel I have the right to and because you've always been braver then me."

She paused, exhaled, willed her eyes to stay with his. "I want to be with you." The bomb dropped. His eyelids flickered at her words and it was almost as if the blue or his irises warmed. She continued, even as his thumb slowly stroked the sensitive skin of the inside of her arm, just below her elbow, drawing small circles and distracting her no end. "I've always wanted to be with you. And when you kissed me, a part of me realized we were inevitable, that we'd always been inevitable. I felt if I stayed in that melting pot of emotions that we'd be like two overcharged magnets. We'd be pulled together at entirely the wrong moment and for all the wrong reasons." She paused and whispered. "I didn't want to break us."

The last words were lost in the air between them, breathed out by her and inhaled by him as he leaned forward and captured her lips with his. Kissing her with such an intensity she felt as if every bit of breath in her body was being taken, sucked out of her by the power of the moment.

A long heart stopping moment passed, in which she felt herself pressing as close to him as she possibly could, eliminating every space both physical and metaphorical that had even separated them. Finally he pulled back slightly, still so close she could feel his eyelashes flutter against her skin, the feel the brush of his lips against her as he whispered, "I want you. I've always wanted you. Even when I shouldn't have."


End file.
